Chasing Me Chasing You

An attempt to balance children, work, and my husband without losing my submission and myself.

Yeah, Butt

I bought Rye three things for her trip to California. First, I bought her a brand-new lube shooter. it’s a kind of syringe with a modified tip for shooting lube into an asshole (or vagina). If you’ve never taken the opportunity to fuck an asshole which has been FILLED with lube beforehand, I encourage you to give it a go!

Second, I bought her a six pack of disposal fleet-enemas. Those may or may not go with her on the plane. It will depend on whether I can learn how well they handle depressurization in the luggage compartment of a commercial airliner.

Lastly, I bought her a “standard” enema kit.

For someone like Rye, who is enthusiastic about anal and gets the good kind of woozy when she’s sexually humiliated, you might assume that being “enemaed” (or told to enema herself) is not a big deal. You’d be wrong. This step toward enema play is a big deal.

This is the first time that I have ever pursued an area of play without first discussing it with her. Her ass has always been in-bounds. I have, on occasion, fucked her asshole without so much more warning than squirting lube on her asshole in silence. She has always taken whatever I have thrown at her. But I don’t throw all that much at her, really. I don’t surprise her with kink. It isn’t really feasible in our lives as parents and it isn’t necessarily part of who I have been as a dominant.

Honestly, this kind of asymmetrical play is not really my thing, normally. I usually make sure that whatever we are doing has a chance to please both of us. This is mostly a technique by which I manage the possibility of failure. Enema play will be something completely different for us. This will be an unknown for both of us. So, it is very different that I have come to Rye, tools in hand, and told her that she is going to receive an enema. This is the first time when I’ve presented her with something that is totally for my benefit and offering fuck-all in exchange. Taking completely without giving, at all.

In a way, it feels a bit like I am forcing this to happen against the natural grain of our relationship. It is the sort of thing that would fit better into a Master/slave or Owner/property dynamic than the more playful rhythm which we have been enjoying. I recognize the poor fit at the same time that I am compelled to ignore it. Perhaps the fact that it doesn’t fit is why I want to do it. For the first time, I’m not going to think about it too much. I’m just going to make it happen.

As I alluded before, I told myself that the reason I bought these things was because I wanted to give them to Rye for her trip to California. The man she is going to see has said, in no uncertain terms, that he is going to take liberal use of her asshole. I welcome this! But, if I am going to loan my wife to someone for butt sex, I am going to at least make an attempt to make sure that it is safe, clean, and awesome.

I want the experience for everyone to be as perfect and memorable (in a good way) as possible. In part, that means I want her to fuck like a pornstar. I know she can handle the acts well enough on her own. But, we all know that porn stars enema before doing anal porn shoots. It makes everything clean, easing post-orgasm body anxiety.

But, honestly, it’s for me. All of it. The novelty, her discomfort, her cleanliness and the easy sluttiness I want it to inspire. All of it is in the service of my desires.

A Crazy Week

This week has been emotionally and physically exhausting. The kids went to grandma’s house on Friday night and all Sir and I could think about was a good night’s sleep.

A dear friend found out his daughter was sexually assaulted by someone they knew.

All you can do is try and be supportive. I started to get upset with him when he indicated that she might not pursue prosecution. But, after reflecting, that really wasn’t fair of me. I have never been through such a horrific experience, and it’s not my place to judge. I just wish I could do more for their family as they struggle with this tragic event.

Took on a big grant project at work.

Much more positive than above, but still overwhelming. I am really looking forward to the challenge and showing my boss that I am the amazing person they thought I was when they hired me. And it’s a long term thing. The complete project isn’t due until January, but it will take a lot of piece meal work whenever I get a moment. Usually my desk is covered with requests and filings, so finding extra time may be tough. But the rewards could be worth it if I can get us a chunk of money next year, so fingers crossed.

2yo has decided that sleep is for the weak.

It’s been about a week and a half now. I’m not sure why, but 4:30, or 5:00 if we are lucky, has become his new morning. Which he chooses to share with Sir and I by coming into our room and poking Sir in the stomach. I don’t think it is really sustainable as we are both grumpy and he is falling asleep before lunch at school. Running around at night isn’t helping though, so more devious tactics may be required.

Sir talked to his doctor about his libido and is changing his meds.

Neither of us are getting ahead of ourselves with high expectations. We’ll see if he notices a difference in the next few weeks. I feel bad as I am afraid that he just got tired of me whinging on here. But at the same time, if it helps, I don’t think either of us will be complaining.

Had my STI screening done before I go to California next week.

Everything came back negative, but it was still a tense few days. I don’t know why, but testing like that always freaks me out. Neither Sir nor I have had an symptoms, it was just a formality really so I could take paperwork with me. The last thing I want is for my friends to feel uncomfortable. And the clinic was actually very nice. I was worried they would be judgmental as I numbered partners, but they were informative and polite.

Pinched a nerve in my neck which incapacitated me for several days.

And, the reason I haven’t written much this week is that I pinched a nerve. I wrote a bit about it on Thursday, but it continued to get worse. On Friday, while the kids were at grandma’s and we were supposed to be enjoying a sexy evening along, we ended up at Urgent Care. They prescribed some muscle relaxers and sent me home. After a good night’s sleep I felt a lot better, now it’s mostly a light soreness. But last week was a mess of unproductive evenings.

Luckily, even with everything going on, yesterday was amazing. We had some good family time and I got a lot done. Business stuff and house cleaning got caught up and Sir and I were even able to connect. Hopefully, this week before I go to California we will be able to focus on each other and really have some time together. I want to ensure that we are in a good, solid place before I leave him with the kids for a week so I can have a sexual tryst. His support and mutual excitement for me has been amazing, but connecting with him before I go and after I get back will be the real test to see if this will ever happen again.

#MomLife

5yo: We need to lift my bed up. Way, way high up. And then put a ladder on it. I am a very good climber. And then we can put a bed underneath by bed. So someone else can sleep under my bed.

Me: Like your brother?

5yo: No mom….like my dog. She is not a good climber.

~

Sometimes life isn’t always sexy, and that’s okay.

Arousing Control

I threw my neck out on Tuesday. Driving home from work was horrific. By the time I got myself and the kids in the door I could barely walk. Sir walked in the house, took one look at me, and immediately ordered me to drop the boy’s lunch boxes. After a brief description of my pain I was given marching orders.

I had to immediately go upstairs, lay out on the floor, and stay there. I couldn’t take my phone. He called me down for dinner awhile later and that was it. Pain meds and a heat pack were my only companions.

I know that sounds like it should be relaxing. Sir took care of dinner and the kids. Without my phone I couldn’t be bothered by anyone or concerned about work. However, it sort of had the opposite affect. I had nothing to do but fret. Worrying about the fact that I wouldn’t be able to do up a post for the blog. Knowing that laundry is piling up. Finally, I had to pull out the Doxy for its official purpose and try to force my shoulder muscles to relax. It did help.

Eventually I was able to pop my neck and I think get it back in place. Sir gave me some more pain meds to help me sleep. Since I was feeling a bit better he even let me sleep in bed. I had to sleep on my back though. A good night’s sleep did help, but I am still quite sore today.

Sir was in his element though. He came up early on to lay out the rules. After he gave me all my restrictions he admitted to a massive boner. I think he enjoys control more than he lets on. As much as he enjoys it when I cook and give him a break from the kids, I think he likes taking charge. Maybe I just need to be ‘weaker’ so he can swoop in more often. When I think that my mother’s voice starting screaming in my head. There has to be a way to balance it though.

At least, there has to be a way that he can feel comfortable being in control that doesn’t involve me having throbbing back pain.

When What You Wish For Is Amazing

The other night I was tweeting about craving cock. As I have started to get nervous/excited about my sex vacation in a few weeks I have started some serious fantasies. The threesome experience I will be having (hopefully) will be with a married couple, but my fantasies as of late have been largely centered around two men. Sir and the gentleman I will be visiting could be an amazing night of fun. Often, when he and I flirt, we talk about spit roasts and how much I love the idea of being used by two guys at once.

So the other night I was thinking about it and getting all gooey. A few people appreciated my desires and even Sir was thinking fondly on my idea for an evening with friend(s). I had had my Njoy in earlier in the day and that always makes me super horny for the next twelve hours or so. Sir even helped me put it in, which is always leaves me a gooey puddle. By the time we went to bed I was a wet mess.

Sir ordered me to strip and get between his legs. Cock worship started with rubbing my breasts across his cock and balls. Obviously I don’t have the experience myself, but apparently my piercings feel pretty amazing on his shaft. He was breathing heavy after only a few minutes. But, always in command, the orders continued.

“Keep your ass in the air. So that you are ready when he arrives to fuck you. You better be wet for him. You will, right? Because you’re a good girl.”

“Yes, Sir.”

For a split second I honestly thought that someone else might be joining us. I was so excited that I started wiggling my ass from side to side as I began taking him deep.

“You’re dripping for him, aren’t you slut? Get your hand back there. Show him your pussy. Show him how wet you are thinking about him fucking you while you suck on me.”

I was more than happy to oblige. I really was dripping. And my eagerness with my fingers were matched by my tongue. The phantom threesome was working for both of us. With both us teetering on the edge Sir had me stop. He turned me around and slammed into me.

“Suck on your fingers. Taste how went you were thinking of him. Fill your mouth while I fuck you.”

He pounded into me while I sucked the salty brine from my fingers. Neither of us lasted very long, but it was so amazing we didn’t care. Cleaning up we both curled into our post sex positions and relaxed with our post-orgasm glow.

I was just so shocked how well that little bit of role play worked for both of us. A simple fantasy exchange and he really ran with it. Control and the mere idea that someone may join us was a great night for both of us. Sometimes all the kinky pieces fit together and it just works.

Lick Me Suck Me Fuck Me

Lick me suck me fuck me

As I walk in through the door,

Lick me suck me fuck me

Until I beg and plead for more.

Lick me suck me fuck me

As I kneel down at your feet,

Lick me suck me fuck me

Make me feel cherished and complete.

~

Kiss me beat me eat me

Watch me squirm against the rope,

Kiss me beat me eat me

Your grin smothers all my hope.

Kiss me beat me eat me

Say I’ve earned my pleasure,

Kiss me beat me eat me

Your smile is something I treasure.

~

Whip me loan me own me

As I scream out for your touch,

Whip me loan me own me

You can never ask too much.

Whip me loan me own me

I am a slut at your command,

Whip me loan me own me

I am a groupie to your band.

~

Love me squeeze me please me

We are a perfect match,

Love me squeeze me please me

We love to have others watch.

Love me squeeze me please me

I love you more than I can say,

Love me squeeze me please me

I am heading up to play.

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Bad Math

Sir’s low sex drive + My horny, submissive personality = Me feeling very inadequate.

We haven’t had sex in….I actually can’t remember the last time we had sex. I’ve had a few Doxy orgasms with and without his help over the last few days, but that’s been it. And that last night I remember giving him oral he had to look at Tumblr the whole time.

Sir’s dependency on visual stimulation to keep his erection = Me having serious self-esteem problems.

I just feel like I should something. Don’t get me wrong. I get that I’m not some big sexual prize. My tits are pretty great, and I have some skills sucking cock, but that’ about it. I’m not sure why, but I guess part of me thought that BDSM was going to be my sexy ticket for life awhile. I could play out my fantasies and maintain my high sex drive. And he could try out all of the porn he liked and see how sadistic he could be. Now obviously that was a pipe dream, but that doesn’t mean I should let things continue like this without doing something.

My insatiable sex drive + His guilt over not craving sex as much as me = Me wanting to want sex less and resenting myself when I don’t.

Any one who has ever tried this knows how hard it is. I don’t want to crave sex. And when I do, not only do I get upset about it, but the longer I go without the grumpier I get. It’s a vicious cycle. The biggest thing is that I don’t want to be upset with him. It’s not his fault and he feels bad enough about it. However, my attempts to be understanding have only left me to direct all my frustration and confusion back on myself.

My sexually frustrated, low self-esteem state = Crappy writing from me + A probably unwise level of expectation for my upcoming trip to California.

My writing on here lately has just gotten whiny. I don’t judge any of you that I have given up on the sexy scenes I used to post. It’s hard to write without inspiration and writing my fantasies when I’m not sure they will ever happen just makes me depressed. I even took a few days off last week in the hopes that I could come up with something that wouldn’t offend you all. The best I could come up with was how much I am focusing and getting nervous about this vacation. And now I’m starting to worry that me talking it about it is upsetting Sir, which probably is doing his sex drive even more damage.

Today’s Moral = I really hope you’re not reading this as any sort of advice column.

I am just a mess of a submissive trying to make any portion of this dynamic work. I keep hoping from a fake disaster to a real one and back again. Normally I wouldn’t classify myself as any sort of drama queen, but BDSM has shone new lights on all parts of my personality, so who knows. In any case, I hope that we can figure something out to reach a happy medium for us. A sex drive balance or a pathway to other partners that includes him as well.

I’m just tired of all this bad math.

The One Yank That Isn’t Sexy

When Sir and I started dating I had long hair. I started growing my hair out and donating it to Locks for Love every few years. I had donated before I started college, so when I wandered onto campus in the fall of 2003 it was only about 2 inches long. When we started dating four years later my hair had grown significantly. I hadn’t cut it (aside from an occasional trim) during my college career, so it was well down my back by the fall of my senior year.

Sir always liked the androgyny of short hair. He says that that is what attracted me to him all those years ago. But with BDSM we both enjoyed the benefits of keeping it long. When he decided to stop our 24/7 dynamic last fall and walk back our D/s I took the opportunity for change. Off came 13″ for charity. Looking back, I think I was trying to remind him that he used to think I was sexy. And possibly also as a defiant act against the traditional submissive with long hair in a braid. But I forgot how much work short hair is. I got it trimmed a few times, but was soon itching for hair to play with. Right now my hair is at that awkward length where it’s too short to pull back, but too long for comfort. Meaning it hangs in my face all the time.

So I have started regrowing it. My work wants tattoos covered, so I need to get/keep it long enough to cover the calla lilies on my neck. Plus, as we continue to try and add more D/s elements back to our daily routine, having the long hair back would nice.

I love to play with my hair. I run my fingers through it and twirl it (yeah, like a four year old) when I try to think. And I find myself doing it at stop lights when I drive. I also love when others play with it. Brush it, stroke it, style it, I don’t care. Just touching it gives me all sorts of gooey loved feelings.

Oddly enough though, I wouldn’t call it a kink. When it’s stroked, I feel like a pet, so it may work with that definition. But I hate to have my hair pulled. I’m not sure why. I don’t like idea of it as a sexual activity. It does seem sexy to me though. Long flowing locks wrapped around his fist sounds so arousing. However, actually having the hair yanked, even during sex, does not provide the positive results the fantasy promises. Even in a punishment context, I just get defensive and bitchy. That particular pain reminds me too much of my little brother being a pest rather than a hot sexual experience.

In any case, I’m growing my hair out. Right now I would say it’s about 50/50 between doing it for me and doing it for D/s. Both are viable reasons, in my opinion. And next time I donate it I’m not sure I’ll cut it quite so short. Then I could skip this ‘not quite long enough’ phase. And whether he pulls on it or not, being able to braid it always helps me keep from playing with it when we scene.

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Threesome Etiquette

So you know that nervousness when you are going to go on a date? Even if you knew the person in some other capacity beforehand. Somehow the transition of your relationship with the official status of ‘date’ changes things. That is how I am starting to feel about my upcoming California trip.

We have been chatting for a long time. Sharing pictures and stories of our jobs and families. It’s crazy to me how much sexual tension can be generated through our text conversations. We have a lot in common, and I think that has helped our sexual attraction to grow.

I wasn’t nervous when I bought the plane tickets. And I was fine when I confirmed everything with him that he and his wife have child care sorted out. Yesterday was three weeks until I fly out and my cousin texted to say that she and her roommate had bought a new couch at Ikea, so I would have somewhere to sleep when I visited her. I am heading to her place in L.A. for the last two days of my trip.

It was the conversation about the couch. My brain immediately went into a panic about where I was going to sleep while in their home. What is proper manners where a threesome is concerned? Should I assume that I will be in bed with them, or is that too forward? If I am in bed with them, what is the least intrusive position? Should I plan for the couch and go with the flow? Should I take pajamas?

I’m just nervous that I will say or do something wrong and one or both of them will be upset with me. Then what? I’m planning to stay with them for two days. What if my first threesome freaks me out and I turn into an emotional mess? So an upset submissive or a pissed off couple, not sure is worse there.

I don’t know what I’m really that worried about. We have similar opinions on religion and politics. We both have kids and blogs. I’m not worried that he is going to sit me down and try to get to me to go ‘be saved’ or something (no judgment if that’s your thing, but just leave me to my sinful life, trust me, I’m happier here).

Maybe this is just a standard reaction. Maybe I am over thinking things. Perhaps this is just my brains last test to make sure I really want to do this. And I really really do. So this last piece of the puzzle can just fall into place.

And who am I kidding, this nervous excited feeling makes me feel young. Feeling young will help my back if I end up having to sleep on the couch.

Wicked Wednesday for post Stockpiled Cravings

Self Care Doesn’t Pay the Bills

Twitter Boyfriend: I do hope that you are giving yourself enough care and attention and not trying to be superwoman or supermom too much.

Me: Self care and attention doesn’t pay the bills. I am trying though.

Twitter Boyfriend: I know it does. But I do see some things that you’ve worked on taking a bit of a backseat at the moment. Just want to know that this is only temporary.

Me: Like what?

Twitter Boyfriend: Your writing and diet tracking are the two I’ve notice. I suspect there are other I don’t see – reading/craft I suspect.

Me: I wish I could argue with that.

***************

Balance is something that I used to be good at. At least, I thought I was. I would make sure I set aside time for myself when I was working. I would take a half day or even a whole day off every few months to relax. I would wear sweat pants, sew, clean; it was nice to feel productive and have ‘me time’. I could always balance time with Sir and his work without issue. Even in law school we managed to set aside time for one another.

Flash forward to two kids, a house, a dog, and two full-time jobs. Three if you count my business. My tight rope has gotten narrower and my balance has worsened. And that isn’t even taking into account our attempts at D/s in and out of the bedroom. I just feel like the ‘have to’ things are always taking precedent over the ‘want to’ items. The twitter boyfriend commented that my writing and diet tracking haven’t been great lately. But they haven’t. Work and birthday parties have been my focus for weeks now.

So now, how to get balance back? I hate to put too much pressure on it, but I have high hopes for my California trip. Even the plane flights. Time to read my book, or write some flash fiction. I have a day on a train. No joke, I get on the train at around 9:30 am and don’t get into L.A. until near 10 pm that night. I’m honestly just as excited for that as I am for my first threesome. Don’t judge me!

I think over the next few weeks before my trip I want to try and find a better way to balance things. Hopefully that won’t continue to mean that my diet and creative projects aren’t ignored. Maybe even some more regular D/s play could be found to fit in somewhere. Full bondage or wax play may not work in the schedule, but more spankings are always a good thing.