Chasing Me Chasing You

An attempt to balance children, work, and my husband without losing my submission and myself.

Feeling Useful

I’m finishing up my third week at my new job. I think the honeymoon period of feeling perfectly qualified is over. I just want to feel useful. Tell me to do something. I’m not saying it will be perfect the first time, but I’ll ask questions, take notes, and fix whatever corrections you have. However, I won’t complain, and the next time I won’t ask the same questions or make the same mistakes.

It’s a bit like starting a relationship with a new Dom. I don’t know all the rules, and punishments will be required. After a few days and scenes though, I will have it figured out. I will learn all the ins and outs of what you want. Eventually, I won’t need told at all. I will have the system down. Your coffee will be perfectly prepared and your shirts ironed just so. Once you show me once (twice if I’m tired or drunk) you can expect the world. If I disappoint you it’s my own fault and I will probably beat myself up more than you.

I always thought I would be a great personal assistant. Getting pleasure from delivering a perfectly toasted bagel or keeping their schedule organized. But that’s not the job I have. I am trying to learn the quirks of the three people I work with. I keep trying to get them to show me how to complete certain projects to help take things off their plates. Most of our conversation stem from them talking about the piles on their desks and how overwhelmed they are.

I can only ask so many times if they have something for me to do though. Finally today I sat back down at my desk and sent myself an email with things I wanted to remember to do tonight. I have a grocery list going too. My desk can’t be organized anymore. I think I may just start cleaning the two empty desks in our office tomorrow. It will at least get me out of my chair and make me feel useful for a bit.

I’m just whining. And it’s the Friday before a long weekend, so it seems an even sillier time to do so. We are heading to my parents, so I will have several useful opportunities there. As they get ready to move into a smaller townhouse they are de-cluttering on scale not seen in that farm house before. Several ciders and some traditional grilled food for the fourth of July should make for a pretty relaxing weekend all around. Maybe after a few drinks I won’t care about feeling useful for anyone but Sir.

I wish sex was as rough as my life

Yesterday was rough. I have meeting with my doctor every once and awhile to talk about my meds and how I’ve been feeling. Our meeting went well, we just started talking about all the things coming up in the next month or so. About how the renovation was more expensive than we planned and how the kids being sick has kept me from working on the business when I get home. How Sir is stressed with his own job and other family crap that refuses to give him closure. It was nice to talk to her, and she even said she was impressed that it seemed I was handling things well.

And I was…until I got in the car. The whole way home the panic attack was crawling under my skin. When I got home Sir noticed that something was wrong, but he had to get ready for work. He asked if I was okay and the damn broke. I felt terrible doing that to him and then him having to leave for work; he didn’t need that. Everything just felt like a wave trying to carry me off with it. I’m a good swimmer (literally and figuratively), but this riptide is wicked. Someday I’ll write about the time I actually nearly drowned in a riptide (sorry, it seemed on topic).

The positive bits and pieces and each day aren’t overshadowing or even balancing out the negative lately. Those brief moments of bliss when I wake up in the morning, or when Sir gives me release don’t add up to staring at a pile of bills and a house that needs cleaned and in many cases still unpacked. I know this will pass.

The new job is going well. There is a lot to learn, but everyone is nice and positive about my progress. The long weekend will be good too. Definitely going to save my calories so I can have a drink or two.

Everyone in my life is just under a lot of stress. The twitter boyfriend has a mountain I can’t even begin to explain. I hate bugging him with anything less than fantastic news to brighten his day. Sir’s work stress continues. My parents are condo shopping, which is turning out to not be as fun as my mother expected. It’s just hard to find refuge in people when everyone else is looking for it too.

Yesterday was just the price of doing business I guess.

Turn Around and Start Again

So did you get any comments today on the hot skirt I bought you?

 

Not specifically, but I did get a few on the outfit as a whole. Does that count?

 

Sure, they probably just didn’t want to point out how amazing your ass looks, so they went for the general compliment.

 

Yeah, the middle-aged, conservative women I work with were struggling to find a way around that, I could tell.

 

Enough witty banter from you, Cunt. The kids are asleep and my cock needs worshiped. Leave the skirt on.

Yes, Sir.

 

There’s a good girl. I love the way your nipple piercings rub against my thighs. Don’t forget my balls while you’re down there, Cunt. They have had a rough day too.

Sorry, Sir.

 

That’s better…Maybe we should have your work colleagues over for a dinner party. I bet they would love one of my dinner parties. Don’t you think?

Honestly, no Sir.

 

It was a rhetorical question. I didn’t tell you to stop.

Sorry, Sir.

 

Now, before I was rudely interrupted,…we could dress you up to serve dinner. Probably in that skirt. Probably just in that skirt. Then, after dessert, I could lock up in the stocks and let people beat and fuck you. Hmmm, that sounds good. Turn around and up on your knees. You better be wet for me Cunt.

Yes, Sir.

 

Do you think they would fuck you slow, like this? Or fast, like this? Maybe they would hit you. Or pull your hair. Or maybe grab onto your collar so they can get really deep. I bet they would like that as much as I do. Mmm, and as much as you like it apparently, your pussy just starting dripping around my cock. Think you could stay wet for a few hours while they all took their turn? There are a lot of people in your office, and their spouses. Could be a long night. I don’t know if you’re up for it Cunt. You’re already drying out on me. Are my plans not turning you on?

No, Sir. Well, yes and no, Sir.

 

Explain.

Well, the thought of being dressed up in nothing but a skirt for serving dinner is fine. Being tied up and beaten and fucked for hours is fine. It’s the company. All I can see as you are talking is the line of secretaries from the first floor with belts, strap-ons, and sadistic grins. It’s not only killing my horny, but I may have to sneak into the building tomorrow so I don’t start hysterically laughing.

 

Well, I must say I’m disappointed Cunt. Your imagination needs some real work. Now we have to start over. Back to sucking cock and this time the neighbors are coming over. Turn around and start again.

Wicked Wednesday for post Stockpiled Cravings

Biased Support

So my Twitter Boyfriend had a ‘conversation’ with this wife. And by conversation, I mean that their talk ended with an ultimatum that he has to choose between kink or their marriage. My heart broke for him when he told me. I know that this is what he feared. His exploration into kink was headed in this direction, but I certainly wasn’t expecting it to happen so soon.

He and I are very close. Despite my post yesterday and my being bummed that I’m not his pet anymore, he’s still very much an important part of my life. The other night he admitted that I know more about him than anyone except his wife (more than his wife in some cases). That meant so much to me. And the idea that that could be ending hurts. But I certainly cannot judge him. He’s in a impossible position that I wouldn’t wish on anyone, much less a dear friend.

He can choose kink, which means he leaves. He can openly search out kink relationships and explore the online community. He wouldn’t have to worry about how she feels about his desires. There wouldn’t be any guilt in his actions. He would be allowed to be himself.

But that doesn’t come without consequences. There is no guarantee that he would find a person who shares his desires and kinks. We still live half a world apart.  And he would be walking away from the longest relationship he has ever had. They have children together (albeit grown). It’s not something that’s easy to dismiss.

If he decides that the risk isn’t worth the reward, he chooses the relationship. He stays with his wife and they continue together. However, there is no kink. No online presence, no in-person meetings, no discussion of desires or fantasies. And (obviously most important to me), we can’t talk anymore. I believe that to mean everything. No Skyping, no Twitter, no email. He couldn’t read my blog or have any relationship with me as I represent something he should be avoiding.

He would be giving up kink, the idea of kink, everything. Voicing his desires and talking to her about trying things, let alone talking to anyone else, would be out of the question. I couldn’t offer support or help in any way as he deals with it either.  A portion of who he is would be shut down.

I’ll admit I’m having a hard time being unbiased. I can’t imagine being put in that position. Being told to choose between a person you care about or your own happiness. And that is grossly oversimplified. I just can’t imagine being told that I had to give up kink. At this point I see it as my sexual orientation, to walk away from that would be living a lie.

I’m trying to help with perspective. I would never tell him what to do. Even rooting for kink has me encouraging a man to end his marriage. That idea turns my stomach. But I also want him to be happy. So I’ve taken a step back for a bit to allow him to think things through. I will be nonjudgmental support, no matter what.

Today’s Episode: How I keep fucking everything up

Rye's collar and 'good girl' collar.I want to be spoiled. I’m horribly selfish. I want gifts and kisses and surprised at work to take me out to lunch. I want pampered and tweeted about. I want someone who is proud of me and wants to show me off. I don’t necessarily go in for age play, but I want to be able to curl up in his lap and let the day’s stress go.

At the same time I also want to be forced to kneel. Beaten and fucked and covered in cum. I want to be told I’m a good girl and then covered with my aftercare blanket and told to nap. Wrapped up in rope and gagged for his afternoon footstool. Woken up for sex in the night. Told what to order at restaurants and how far to run for my workout. Clothing approved before I leave for work and sexy flirting all day with orders and tasks for the evening.

I just don’t know if I can have both, especially from the same person. And if not, do I pick one or consider opening myself up to being hurt by someone else? The idea of an open marriage sounds good in theory, but I’m terrible. I’m needy and dramatic and I often wonder why Sir puts up with me. I’m sure another person would be ready to kill me after about a week (if that). I try to present myself as calm, and I am with the kids and my job. But when it comes to relationships I’m an emotional mess.

Attempt #1: Sir

So maybe I just can’t have everything. Maybe my desires are too unrealistic and need to be tempered. Maybe it’s just not going to work right now, when Sir and I are both dealing with jobs and stress and life. And maybe that will never change. Where does that leave me?

I just keep fucking everything up. Sir and I have been through various stages of kink. M/s, D/s, and all manners of control in-between. I crave so much and the pressure that puts on him is too much. The ‘break’ we took from kink last winter was horrible. We keep trying to make things work, but kink is so few and far between for us. Each of us dealing with our depression issues and work and family always have kink on the back-burner. It’s never a priority, and for the foreseeable future it won’t be for him.

 

Attempt #2: Being Loaned

So I started talking to other Doms. Sir was supportive. I found someone on Fetlife that seemed interested in all the control and kink that I was. He didn’t seem grossed out by my body and was willing to work within Sir’s perimeters. And I let my eagerness get ahead of myself and ruined it. We didn’t demand the ‘meet first’ policy and I didn’t explain my needs. Which left me with an unsatisfying experience that is no one’s fault but my own. Sir was still supportive and helped me to ensure that the same mistakes wouldn’t happen again. I’m not all about casual sex in that way. I need more of a foundation of trust.

 

Attempt #3: Expanding a Friendship

With that in mind a very dear friend and I started talking about changing the nature of our relationship. I would be his pet and he would take control over my weight-loss and diet. It was wonderful. Control like that is something that Sir was never interested in, so he was more than happy to encourage this growth. And there has always been (for me anyway) a sexual tension between us. The idea that we could start with control over diet and see if expanded into more was really exciting.

But, as usual, I pushed too hard and expected too much. He showed the slightest interest in something more and I let him know how much I wanted it too. But things started moving too fast and he’s still trying to make everything work while being honest with his wife. So as I got more invested, he became more uncomfortable. And when the reality of talking to his wife about expanding our relationship came up, the dam broke.

So now I am no longer his pet. We will always be friends, but it still felt like a break up. I cried. A lot. It sucked. He called me by my real name. Not Pet, not Rye, but my vanilla name. He’s the only person in the kink world who knows it. I don’t think he did it to be mean, but it crushed me. Everything kink was just sucked out of our relationship. He’ll always be a good friend, this won’t change that. It just hurt that we lost that chance at something more.

What now?

This ‘break up’ didn’t cause all of this, obviously. It’s just one more way that I’m failing to make kink work. And I don’t see how I can blame any of these men for this. I’m doing something wrong. My expectations are too high. I keep comparing myself to other subs and other dynamics. I’m just trying to find something that works, but even when I do I stupidly want more. The control isn’t enough, the sex isn’t enough, the aftercare isn’t enough.

All I want is to make them happy, but they aren’t. I’m missing some piece that keeps the relationship going and strong. Sir is stressed about the rest of life. And while he appreciates the things I do to try and make him happy, it never lasts. The Sean experience was short lived as I’m not sure I did make him happy, he never said. And my friend has his own kink journey. Bolstering my sub ego is the least of his concerns (not that that isn’t justified).

Maybe I just need to figure out realistically what kink looks like in my life. Craving control, M/s, and being spoiled is all well and good, but that doesn’t mean it’s going to happen. I’m not trying to take the agency away from these men. They all had a hand in why our respective relationships didn’t work either. But I’m at a loss. I’m supposed to keep trying when I have no control. I try and I give everything I can and it’s not enough. I have gotten to this point where I just can’t give anymore. Sir doesn’t want me to give up, but I just don’t know where to go from here.

I’m collared to kink without direction. Wandering aimlessly with my pile of expectations, looking for someone willing to take the lead.

TMI Warning

***I should probably title all my posts with some sort of warning. Just thought I should warn you of the pending ick factor that could be this post for some people. Mostly men. In fact, if you are a woman you will probably find it funny, or at the very least understand it. If you are a man and you find it funny, I want to have sex with you  🙂 ***

So my new job gave me a yeast infection. I shit you not! Not from a toilet seat or anything, but because I have to wear real clothes. I got so used to wearing long flowy dresses with no underwear at home. Some days I wouldn’t get dressed at all. And my pussy was happy. Aired out and cool; a picture of shaved perfection. Good times.

Now that I am working outside the house full-coverage is required. Pants, long-sleeves, and shoes (I know, it’s crazy!). And even though my body is trying to acclimate, my cunt can’t keep up. No matter how fast I strip when I walk in the door at night, the damage has already been done. Sitting in all those layers, even air conditioned, is leaving my pussy a sweaty mess. And apparently this week it was hot enough to throw off my PH balance completely.

So it looks like no sex for me this weekend as I walk around in as little as possible and let the medicine work it’s magic. Medically induced orgasm denial is the worst though. And after being in a pissy mood all week, I was really looking forward to as many poundings as I could beg for. I’m sure Sir won’t mind the extra oral attention though until all my holes are up and running again.

This was just a side effect of working outside the home that I wasn’t prepared for. Though I guess I should have been. My body rejects attempts to wear any more than is strictly necessary. I just hope that after this my cunt will fall in line and accept that during office hours it has to be happy with the pretty thongs that I wear under my business attire.

Next thing you know my tits will start giving me lip.

Reward Mind Games

Sir: So that reward system I’ve been working on…It’s a common pool of gold stars and red X’s. You can spend the stars on extra calories or pampering from me.

Interesting. :Rye

Sir: Oh there’s more. Red X’s cancel out stars until they are erased, so 2x’s plus 5 stars is 3 stars to spend. You will be able to earn stars from me for ‘spontaneous acts of slutiness’.

Challenge Accepted 🙂 :Rye

Sir: I hope you are as accepting of how you get rid of the red X’s.

🙁 :Rye

Sir: 🙂

Coming Down

I have been in a shitty mood lately. Not really sure why.

I think I have been riding the high of getting this job so fast and finally feeling good about my career. Now that I’ve been going for a week and half, it’s just my job. I’m still very new to everything and schedules are still being sorted, but the high is gone. Now I come home to a million things to do and have less time with the kids and Sir. Dinners have been quite haphazard and not the healthiest. It’s just part of the overall transition and I’m not handling it the best. Are you really surprised?

At least the mood isn’t because of the diet. I am trying to work out how to spread my calories across the day so that I have energy in the evening. I feel bad crawling into bed when I lay the 4yo down. Sir and I are going to forget what each other’s genitalia look like soon. Well, he’s not, because he can just look at my cunt on the blog, but I’m getting fuzzy. In reality the diet is going well. The pounds aren’t falling off as fast as I’d like, but I’m not really known for patience. My push-ups and sit-ups have made my arms and abs very sore though. Sir is jealous. The other night in bed he kept having me roll over as he knew it hurt and wanted me to continue to hiss in pain. Sadists *slowing shakes head*.

Even with all this schedule madness, we are hoping for some good scene time this weekend. Maybe some fun toys, and some lovely hitty things. Rope and pain in the basement sounds like a great way to spend a Saturday. After my workout and mowing the lawn, of course. And the meal planning for dinners next week and the subsequent grocery run. And changing the sheets and the general weekly clean. On second thought, maybe Sir can just squeeze my nipples first thing in the morning before the boys start yelling for cartoons and fruit loops. There might be enough time for that.

Remembering the View

I was looking through photos for inspiration for this post. I was looking for a view from the Scottish Highlands that I love, or maybe a good photo of a pretty coffee cup that I drink from everyday. But I couldn’t. Even the photos that I did find didn’t shoot me into a specific headspace to write. I quickly gave up trying to be inspired into something kinky and just wanted to find a view that I had an emotional reaction to. Then I saw this.

View outside my window.

I remember taking this photo like it was yesterday. It is from outside my bridal suite on the morning Sir and I got married. I remember snapping it before two aunts shoved me into a chair and started pulling my hair in fifteen directions.

I was captivated by the calm of the morning. The room of women behind me was bustling. My maid of honor was setting up make-up. My mother and another aunt were laying my dress out on the bed. A cousin and another friend were half-asleep on the couch. I was so nervous and excited I couldn’t eat anything, but I’m sure there was food there. I just sat in the chair having my hair yanked and eye-liner put on. My eyes were closed and I kept calling back the happy view from my window. The serene colors of the inn next door and the bright green of the grass and trees. The calm surroundings blocked the din behind me and told me that it was all going to be okay.

I remember thinking that all the stress of planning and paying for the wedding was worth it. All the women behind me made it perfect. Sir in another suite with all the guys getting ready made it perfect. Standing there getting a photo out my window on one of the happiest days of my life. Our lives before dogs and kids and kink. Not that I would change any of it, but this seems like a pretty great stepping off point.