Might you be tempted?
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My husband and I haven’t had sex in weeks. He fingered me a few weeks ago. I gave him a blow job and a hand job last weekend. Yesterday he rubbed my thigh. This is the extent of the physical interaction we’ve had lately.
I’m trying to take a step back and keep perspective. Sex isn’t everything. He and I get along great and enjoy spending time together. I wish that was enough.
It’s not like this was a sudden thing. He has been losing interest in me sexually since I was pregnant with our second child. Ever since then he hasn’t really want to initiate sex. And now he says that it’s because I always seemed disappointed in sex. Like he was never good enough. But that’s an oversimplification. His desire of me began fading a long time ago. And his refusal to take responsibility for his part in this is probably what bothers me the most.
His ‘explanation’ makes my submission the root of the problem. But it’s not actually the issue. My submission merely explains my need for attention and my dislike of asking for sex. I don’t even feel like my personality has even changed, it only makes more sense to me. My sex drive has increased, but I’ve also tried really hard not to pressure him with that.
Obviously this is all from my perspective. But I feel like I have tried everything I can think of to make him more comfortable. I’ve worked to seduce him. I have purchased gifts, preformed acts of service, even worked to ignore all my needs to put his first. And I thought if I could just do that until he was out of his funk, that things would become better. But it hasn’t worked.
He’s still so distant from me and I’ve pushed down so much of myself. I tried to masturbate the other day and I couldn’t. I just couldn’t get turned on enough to get anywhere. It was soul-crushing.
Needless to say I don’t think celibacy is for me. Though I’m not sure I have much control over it.
I wrote the above yesterday morning. Yesterday afternoon I went upstairs to try and masturbate. My husband came up and fucked me with a dildo while I rode the Doxy. It was amazing. It’s this type of thing that keeps me in constant confusion. But at the same time, if opposite day is going to work with my post drafts then prepare to be inundated.
The last few days have all been about reflection and growth. I’m trying to find the wood through the trees. But a few big things have fallen into place lately. I need to work on me and focus on my own growth. Putting so much pressure on my husband to fix everything isn’t fair to him and it isn’t helping. Patience with him and myself at this point is all I can do.
In other news, my cross-stitch piece looks great. It’s the little things.
Photo courtesy of Exposing 40
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#7 – Do you accept and/or expect discipline or punishments as a part of your submission? How do you feel about it?
I think that even the most well-intentioned submissive will occasionally need corrected. I have been known to brat if I feel ignored. And I have found that a punishment is often the best thing for me. It’s the level and intensity of punishments that can create issues.
I take a lot of things personally. So while I respond well to physical punishments, being yelled at is another thing all together. I’m not sure why, but yelling just makes me cry like a scolded toddler. There was a time I remember when my husband and I were still working on our D/s relationship and one day in the car he hold me to ‘shut up’. I retreated immediately and didn’t speak for the rest of the night. I think I may have even cried on the way home. The thing is, I’m not sure what he was even upset about, so I didn’t really learn anything from the experience. All I remember is how upset I was.
A spanking goes a mile further than a time out or being yelled at. I will remember the time and effort you took to show much your disappointment and what you expect from me. Ignoring me is the worst possible punishment for me. I just get sad and withdraw more. While I will remember that I disappointed you, I won’t remember how or why. All that I will take away is that I’m lonely.
The idea of punishments are actually positive things for me. It’s the care of my dominant to want to correct me. To want me to be better. He could just let me be disappointing to him, or allow a sub-par performance to slip by. The time and effort shows that they care.
The understanding that I want to be my best for him is almost as much his responsibility as it is mine. That can be a hard thing for dominants to grasp. I can imagine that it would be difficult to balance care and correction as a dom.
Check out my other answers for Define Your Kink as I try to figure out what kind of submissive I am and what I need.
I got mother’s day oral last night. It sort of felt like a birthday blow job that wive’s who hate oral give their husband’s under duress. I hate to say that, but that’s really how it felt.
He used to love giving me oral. He would want to continue after all the nerves in my clit were screaming. I would roll away in a giddy puddle and he would almost look hurt that he had to stop. That is all gone.
And I hate that it bothers me. It was all I could think about and it kept me from even enjoying what was happening. It was the first time he had touched me in any sort of sexual way in weeks and all I could think about was that he was only doing it because it was Mother’s day.
My birthday is in August. Maybe I can sort my shit out by then.
Well, this Mental Health Awareness Month is one for the journal pages. It appears that my identity crisis on Saturday was just the beginning of a miserable week. It’s only Tuesday and I’ve already had two mental breakdowns. Uncontrollable crying and the urge to close out everything BDSM-related in my life in an instant.
This job promotion could be wonderful. It could also be a lot of stress. I guess even more so if I don’t get it and the complete lack of confidence from my superiors would be difficult to bare. And while it’s been a nice distraction from my regular life and money stress, it’s not making any of the other disappear.
I’m just tired of saying ‘when things calm down’. I keep waiting for things to resolve themselves and to begin to make sense, but they don’t. Money is still tight, my neck still feels naked, and I’m still lost. I keep telling myself that things will sort themselves out soon, but I’m beginning to question that.
“It is a truth universally acknowledged that when one part of your life starts going okay, another falls spectacularly to pieces.”
― Helen Fielding,
I think for me this happened last summer. I decided to go back to work full time and actually began to enjoy my job. It’s stressful, but normally I can handle that. But while that was going okay, everything else exploded. Things started falling apart with the house, costing more money, which started that stress. My husband’s job got messy. And, above all for me, our D/s dynamic completely disappeared. Ever since taking my collar off earlier this year I haven’t been able to make heads or tails of things.
I think one of the biggest attractions to submission for me is the idea of having a direction. Of know what is expected of me and what I need to be doing. I don’t remember feeling this directionless before I found kink, but now that I’m without it, it’s glaring. Maybe that’s too much pressure to put on another person; maybe that’s why it didn’t work out last time. I just don’t want to be responsible for everyone’s happiness while ignoring my own all the time. Submission was chance to be cared for for awhile.
I’ve been on this journey of submission since 2013. And last Saturday I had a serious discussion with my husband and my dom about stopping everything. Close down the blog, deactivate my twitter account, stop playing like I know what I’m talking about.
Maybe if I were to just focus on my job and my family. If I let my sex drive wane and move on. Will this pain fade? If I ignore the pain of my absent collar could I be happy. Is my vanilla life enough to distract my BDSM cravings?
It would hurt like crazy to lose my small strings of submission. Losing my connections to the BDSM community would be difficult too. Everyone on the kinky/sex blogger web is so nice and supportive. I’m just afraid that I don’t really have anything to offer more than whining and unfulfilled fantasies. And I would have to decide if I was going to try and keep my poly relationships going (losing Jack too may be too much). But as finances are always tight and he’s three time zones away, maybe that would be in his best interests too.
My dom has asked me to wait and reflect a few days before I make any drastic decisions. He had a few ideas and things for me to consider; which I really appreciate. I just feel so lost all the time. Writing is hard as I feel like a fraud with this blog. I’m not collared. I call this a sex blog and I have less sex now than when I was vanilla.
I just wonder if faking this attempt at a kinky life is better than than the pain of pretending like it’s not part of who I am. Either way I’ll always have my ‘good girl’ tattoo; even if no one ever says it.
I have a theory that your sex drive is a bit like grant funding. If you don’t use it, next year they’ll give you less. For those not from the United States or those who may not know the Federal Grant Funding system, let me explain. When you apply for grant funds, you have to estimate costs for everything you intend to do. However, if you end up spending less than what they give you, when you re-apply the next year, they will give you less. They assume you don’t know how to estimate after that and undercut you. And, once your budget has been cut, it’s very hard to justify more again.
So, what if your sex drive is just like government funding? If you don’t use it properly you slowly lose it. Slowly getting less and less every year until it completely disappears.
My personal experience has been strangely both in favor and against this theory. When I was vanilla I had no sex drive, or one hardly worth measuring. I guess it doesn’t really disprove the theory as I was starting at nearly zero. The sex drive government had nothing to take away. Then I found kink. My sex drive went into overdrive. Since embracing my submissive side I have craved sex daily, usually multiple times a day. Given the chance, I would love to just be locked up in a hotel room for a few days with the occasional food and sleep break.
Lately, however, my sex drive has started to slow. My husband’s depressive slump has killed his interest in sex. I have tried to take care of things myself, but I find myself losing the plot as other things continue to take priority. At the end of the day I think about how I could have found time for more sexy times, but by then it’s usually too late.
So, as we enter into Masturbation Month, all our priorities need to re-focus. Obviously quality should always take precedent over quantity, but taking the time is equally important. Just think about if past performance were responsible for your sex drive in the future? Don’t let an allergy or work stress have a long-term affect on your attempts of lovely orgasms.
Give your current self and your future self all the lovely ‘O’ faces you deserve this month. I’ll be glad to help where I can to keep you from losing funds next month 🙂