Chasing Me Chasing You

An attempt to balance children, work, and my husband without losing my submission and myself.

Circling back around again

It’s been awhile since my depression has hit me up side the head, so I shouldn’t really be surprised by the last 24 hours. Yesterday morning I woke up in a weird mood and never really recovered. The kids weren’t any more stressful than normal, my dad even came over to help me install a ceiling fan in the office and watched the kids for me while I mowed the lawn and ran to the store. But my head was already in a bad place, so there was just no getting passed it.

I’ve started a new diet with support from a friend. It’s been going well. I mean, I guess it’s going well. We don’t have a scale in the house, so I don’t know if I’ve lost any weight. I feel pretty good though, and I’ve been doing well with not overeating and eating breakfast every day. Exercise is still fleeting, but that’s mostly because the boys are still home with me. Their summer program starts next week. Right now I’m just worried I’m going to be putting too much pressure on myself to get everything done in the seven hours they are out of the house. Exercise, work, and not forgetting to eat lunch will be a challenge. I’m almost positive that won’t end well.

But I guess I’ve just been feeling really needy lately. People ask me questions on Twitter, Fetlife, or Kik and don’t really care about my answer. Or I try to engage, only to receive one word answers. It’s difficult when your only adult socialization is over social media. Aside from humor and scary Trump quotes I don’t get a lot of interaction during the day. I don’t know why that’s anyone else’s problem or fault though. Other people have lives, jobs, and responsibilities too.

Guess this is just my randomly scheduled bout of hopelessness. I’m starting to apply for jobs now that we are settled. Right now I still have my database position and my business, but once Sir and I are both on our own payrolls we are going to need insurance. So if I could get a part or full-time job to get everyone covered, then I could still have my business on the side and he could set up his law firm with a lot less stress. Stress, however, is sort of a watch word when it comes to looking for employment, at least for me. I don’t know how willing I should be to apply for a job that I know I wouldn’t really enjoy or make very much money, or if I should only apply for jobs that I really want. Of course, the problem with that being that if/when (at this point only when) I don’t get the job, I get really bummed out. And nothing makes you feel worse about yourself than not even getting a call for a job that you know you could do and do well.

I’ve also been talking to a few people in the local kink community about starting a relationship. Mostly Doms that would understand that I am Sir’s, but would be loaned out for play a few times a month. And talking is all well and good. But I don’t know if this is even something I want. I don’t know that I want another Dom. Having sex with someone (or multiple people) other than Sir is one thing, but they would either be friends or complete strangers. They wouldn’t necessarily be ‘doming’ me. Either Sir would be there, telling me what to do, or I would get rules before I left. I just don’t think I could handle two Doms. The idea sounds good in my head. He could possibly provide the control and fill sexual gaps when Sir is stressed or busy. It would be a chance to try new kinks like wax play. A chance to process and release my submissive cravings so I can be happier and more relaxed around Sir and the kids.

Or it could be a massive clusterfuck. And considering my track record hasn’t been that great lately, I’m not sure I want to chance it. Screwing up something like that could mess with Sir and my marriage. Some things just aren’t on the table to be trifled with. Sir is supportive, but I can tell he’s struggling with the general idea, the closer I get to specifics the worse I can see it wear on him. Hurting him isn’t worth anything. He’s been so supportive of my possible threesome trip this fall, I don’t want to push too much as it pertains to his trust.

Today is about trusting that my meds are doing what they need to and worrying about getting through the day. I can worry about big things like play partners and career crap over the weekend. We may be kid free for the first time in this house as my mother-in-law is looking for some good grandma time. Maybe Sir can watch the kids so I can go for a run. I always think best when I exercise.

Round of Applause

I used to dance when I was younger. I always enjoyed recitals and performing. Our competition team marched in all the holiday parades and walking and dancing down the street was always fun. In high school I participated in band, choir, drama as well as my physical activities. Performing was never really a nerves things for me. However, since college I’ve become much more introverted. Some of this due to the depression and PTSD, some due to lack of opportunities.

Even with all of these performance experiences, the idea of public sex leaves me with a bit of dread. Maybe just a fear of judgement. You could tell me that I was a crap dancer and I would’ve gone back to the studio and practiced more. If you tell me that my public sex scene was flat, I’m not sure I could recover half as well. However, that almost makes it more exciting.

I’ve always felt that sex in ‘real life’ is less amazing than what is shown in movies and even porn. It’s just so much messier and gruntier (it’s a word in my world). But in most senses, in my opinion, that makes it better. Watching two people (or more) just devour each other in passion is mesmerizing. I would like to think I could show that to an audience as much as I love watching it. But I guess, I’m not sure that the audience turns me on. Having someone watching me and my partner(s) probably wouldn’t change my personal enjoyment. I try to be in the moment with my gooey sexy time that it’s possible I wouldn’t even notice the onlookers. Maybe that’s a good thing. That way they could get a truer show.

I understand that some people get a thrill out of an audience to watch and feed energy from as they pleasure themselves or others. I tend to get into my own head during sex too much to notice anyone but me and my partner. More so if I’m in a scene as my submissive head space is a zone of response to Sir’s orders. Maybe an audience would change that. Guess I’ll have to add it to the list of ‘someday try’ and for now enjoy the lovely stories that other’s share.

Enjoy reading some of those other stories by checking out this week’s prompt Audience for this week’s Wicked Wednesday.

Wicked Wednesday for post Stockpiled Cravings

 

 

Begging for Control

Control is an odd thing for me as far as a kink. I cannot really explain it without sounding really selfish, but I’m coming to grips with the fact that that is okay sometimes.

I love rules and structure. I hate surprises. So knowing exactly what he expects of me is a kind of gooey comfort that I can’t adequately explain.

But the biggest thing about control that drives my kink, is the attention. It seems backward, I know. I guess I should be saying that control is my favorite kink because it’s an opportunity to serve Sir and be what he wants me to be (blah blah blah). The reality is, it’s a totally selfish thing. If he is in control with rules and restrictions, then he has to be paying attention to me. He has to check in with me and he has to be aware of what I’m doing. Sometimes I feel like Sir can go adrift in the evenings and not have any idea what I’m doing or what I managed to accomplish during the day. And I’m not looking for validation or ego-stroking with everything I do, a simple understanding of my daily tasks would be huge. If he was setting them and monitoring them, I think that would not only help my motivation, but also my mood.

A lot of self-reflection as I’ve dabbled with submission in all areas of my life has shown me that I want and benefit from control. Being held accountable for my diet, exercise, and work is necessary to see good results. One of the only places that I have noticed that I can motivate and control myself is with my own business. I want to work on that. I want to make it amazing. I know that makes it sound like I don’t care about other stuff, I do. I care if the house is clean and how much exercise I get, but admittedly, it’s not the same kind of gratification I get when something that I created does well. It’s just easier to motivate myself to do something I really love to do.

Control during sex is pretty obvious for me. Holding my hair while I suck cock. Smacking or punch my ass while taking me from behind. Nothing makes me gooey faster than ordering me to kneel, even in the middle of the day. But control in other aspects of my life have quickly taken on more significance. I’m still working to make it less about attention and more about Sir’s benefit. And I’m always curious to see how people use control in their ‘vanilla’ lives. Even if Sir and I cannot have a 24/7 D/s relationship right now, I love trying different control aspects outside the bedroom to see how they fit for us. Hopefully it will help us add things slowly when we do eventually have the time. Until then I will kneel happily at every ‘good girl’ I receive.

Common goals

Rye in bed with a thin night shirt onSir’s rules about masturbation during the day are simple. I can play during the day if the kids let me (not a guarantee). If I orgasm, I have to tell him, but that’s it. I can chat and send pictures to him or others while I do so as well. Admittedly I don’t take every opportunity to do this. Sometimes when the kids are calm just sipping a cup of coffee and clicking through the Netflix cue is nice. But every once in awhile inspiration strikes. Sometimes it’s Sir giving me an order by text to put my plug in for an hour or telling me he’s hard at his desk after reading the day’s blog post. But more often than not it’s a good friend on twitter, asking for a virtual hand.

Rye climbing into the shower
Sometimes we take showers together

We have a great friendship that includes talking about our kids, our jobs, and our amazing nerd fascinations. We are also good at getting each other riled up. Pictures are exchanged of large bulges in pants and bras that aren’t holding much in. Soon clothes are off, hands and the Doxy are working hard. We send encouraging words with our photos as well as updates on our personal progress. I won’t speak for him, but for me, it’s a boost of confidence as I let my fantasies run wild. Touching myself is fun, but being told how sexy I am while doing it is even better.

Sharing fantasies is a nice way to get and keep a solo session fresh. And his dirty talk never fails. Knowing that I am inspiring him and helping him come. It’s amazing how good it is when I read, “That is so fucking hot!” as I let my vibrator work.

Rye's ass with a lovely blue thong.
Showing off some bruises and marks that Sir gave me.

I think this has just been a great way for me to work through my juvenile thoughts on shame and masturbation. It’s only been in the last few years that I’ve been able to enjoy and relax enough to actually orgasm on my own. I think that is one of the reasons that Sir has been so supportive of my twitter fun. He likes the self-confidence boost that it gives me. So do I. I have struggled with body image and sexual shame for years, so the last few years have been an amazing experience. So having the freedom to send pictures and share sexual cravings with twitter friends without fear of judgement is a big step.
I also enjoy the casual nature of our ‘relationship’. We flirt, we masturbate together. Always with a common goal of making the other person feel sexy and desired. But it’s not all about sex. We support and share our lives as well, but hot pictures and dirty thoughts are a large part of it. And that’s what makes it fun.

Rye working toward orgasm with the Doxy
My Doxy and I are quite close

My sexual nature continues to grow with my appetite for sexual experiences. Getting better at knowing my body and my own pleasure is important to me. And having someone to help encourage that process and support it has been amazing. And a bonus is we get to have hard and glorious orgasms together. It’s a win/win.

The moral of this long-winded story is that masturbation can be a fantastic group activity. And knowing that I can help someone come that is three thousand miles away is a good feeling. Certainly a perfect excuse to keep working my skills.

I’m close just thinking about it.

Masturbation Monday logo

 

[Dirty Kitchen Pun]

I have been fantasizing about playing in our new kitchen ever since we moved in. Sometimes by myself, sometimes with Sir, sometimes with other fun friends. Well, last night I found a clean space on the new counter and I put it to good use….repeatedly.

Rye loving herself on the kitchen counter

We all know how much I struggle with holding still.

See who else is being sexy this Sunday by clicking below.

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To the Future!

4yo: Dad, I don’t want to go to daycare! I want to go to the future.

Sir: Okay, how much?

4yo: *holds hands shoulder width apart* This much.

Sir: Okay, close your eyes. *waits two seconds* Okay, open your eyes.

4yo: *looks confused*

Sir: We went into the future by two seconds.

4yo: But I want to go to the future.

Sir: We are always going into the future.

4yo: But this isn’t the future!?!

Sir: No, this is the present, but today’s present is yesterday’s future. We are always moving forward.

*silence*

4yo: Dad, I love fruit loops.

Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman

Stress, lack of sleep, and your own stupidity can lead to not so smart decisions. I will be the first to admit that I have done things without considering how wrong it can really go. And testing that theory seems to be my new M.O.

So as part of not thinking things through and trying to work out the easy solution, I stopped taking my medicine. The medicine is for depression, I’m not on any anti-psychotics or something really serious. But that may be part of my problem. Maybe I don’t take them seriously enough.

Looking back, I’m not even sure how I justified it to myself to just stop cold turkey. Mostly that I didn’t think they were helping. Over the last few weeks I have had several breakdowns. I kept blaming the meds; I don’t know why. But just stopping them seemed like the right idea at the time. I made it around five days. I didn’t call my doctor, I didn’t tell Sir. Both pretty big rule breaks for me. Obviously the justification to just stop the medicine was the same as it being okay not to discuss it with Sir first.

The conversation earlier this week and subsequent sexless night just pushed everything over. I started the morning randomly crying at something pointless (laundry or spilled coffee). So finally I realized that I’m a numb-skull. That stopping my meds was not a solution. As much as I pretend to know my body, I don’t know anything about my depression balance. There is a reason that it takes professionals to give out these medications. Just stopping them can cause all sorts of other issues. And they have. When I took my medicine after a long break I felt sick. My mood was secondary to the physical bollocking my body was giving me for the cold turkey break.

Sir handled it with calm and control. I had directions for what to do to get me through the day and how to deal with side effects. He wanted to support me and understood why I did what I did; even though it was a bad plan. And people on twitter where helpful and supportive as well. It was very comforting to know that I’m not the only person who wakes up one morning and thinks it’s a brilliant idea to just stop their depression medication.

So perhaps this is just one more way that the universe it trying to tell me that I am not cut out for the medical or pharmaceutical field. Or basically health care of any kind. I guess I’ll stick to reading, writing, and watching porn…all while on my medicine, of course.

Mental Health Awareness Month Badge

***And I’m not sure where the title of this post came from. Though my mother and I loved the show when it was on the air. And Sully could roll me around that farm anytime.***

Sexless Transition

So Sir and I were having a conversation last night about stress and money stuff. I hate money stuff, but Sir trusts me to take care of it. Anyway, the conversation goes like this:

Sir: It’s just stressful.

Rye: Yeah.

Sir: And this is what has turned me into a sexless monk.

Rye: Yeah.

Quite a riveting exchange, wasn’t it? Because what was I supposed to say? Yeah, it’s fine that we only have sex once a week. Of course it’s okay that I spend more time building Legos with our 4yo than I do naked. I am trying to be supportive. Trying to understand that the last few months have been crazy for both of us that we are trying to deal with things in our own way. So nodding along as become the obvious option.

But I won’t lie and say that it’s not hard. I flip from being wildly horny to blindingly frustrated at the kids all day. That balance has been hard to maintain lately. I don’t know how it changed, but my sex drive has actually made intimacy more difficult. At least it seems like that to me. I am always turned on, so he feels intimidated. Again, that is just my viewpoint. And that creates stress for both of us.

So how do I help the sexless monk? I think he is only saying that because he knows we aren’t having as much sex as I would like. Or maybe he’s just not attracted to me specifically. My worry-wart mind has run through several possibilities. But most of them lead back to stress. We both wanted to get into this house and I think we expected everything to settle down. This whole adult thing has been hard to swallow. And our kids have had a great time reminding us how green we really are.

So, maybe we have to be sexless monks for awhile. And when the stress settles we can get back to enjoying each other and maybe even a few new people.

An Overdue Visit, Part 2

“So where did you get that skirt, exactly? I’m sure I would have begged for a photo of it before now had I know of it’s existence.” Lucas smiled as he unzipped my skirt and tossed it onto the chaise.

“We had to go shopping as my lovely 24 year-old cousin forgot to mention that she planned to take me clubbing. So much for an evening of Netflix, wine coolers, and chatting. Maybe that’s tomorrow night.”

“I think you look hot. And anyway, I’m sure we can find something to help you relax after that crowded club.” He kissed his way up my neck until he found the ticklish spot below my earlobe and I pushed him away. He laughed and walked across the room to his bag. I had let him know that I would be in town for a few days, but we didn’t want to make plans after tonight. Flirting on twitter and sharing nude photos was great, but sexual attraction may not be enough to get us through more than one evening. He had obviously hoped so as his suitcase was pretty big for only a one-night stay. I was hoping for multiple nights of hot sex as well, but one thing at a time.

I texted Lindsay to tell her that I was alright and I would be over in the morning to hit up the farmer’s market with coffee in hand. I knew she would still worry. It’s not like I did this all the time, and I do usually talk to her about stuff. But family and my kink life didn’t really mesh. It’s not like I was really worried about someone stumbling onto my Fetlife profile. And while Lucas and I had met on twitter, not my kinky dating site or Fetlife, it still would require answering questions I wanted to avoid.

I shook my head as I turned my phone to silent. I could fret about things outside the hotel room tomorrow. Tonight was about a fun time with a friend. I turned around to find that Lucas had disappeared. The room wasn’t that big, he could be hiding for fun. As soon as I knelt down to look under the bed Lucas walked back into the room with the ice bucket.

“Don’t worry my lovely sub, we’ll get there soon enough. You can get off your knees for now. I just ran out to get some ice for later, you seemed pretty engrossed in your phone when I left.”

“Sorry, I zoned for a few minutes there.”

“No worries. I think you obviously need to be better distracted here though. I have something to help you focus a bit. Come over here.” As I walked toward him I saw him grab something out of his suitcase. When I reached him he turned me around so I had my back to him. He brought the metal collar over my head and began fastening it around my neck.

“I know we set up most of our ground rules online, but while you are in this collar, those rules are in play. You are my sub for the evening with all the hard limits we discussed. Your safeword is butterscotch. Normally I would have a lot of rules, but I want tonight to be about fun. And since I know you want to be up early, let’s not waste any time. Do you have any questions?”

“No, Sir.”

“Wonderful. Take off your clothes. We are going to wash that club off you.”

“Yes, Sir.” I practically ripped off the rest of my outfit as I moved toward the bathroom. He followed me in, his clothes hitting the floor almost as fast as mine. Once we were both naked I think we finally realized what we were doing. We stood on opposite sides of the tile floor and drank each other in. I had seen him naked before. Though most of my twitter shots were just pieces of him. I’m not sure why, but I pushed myself off from the vanity and walked toward him. I felt comfortable with him; after talking and flirting for over a year I guess I should. I rubbed his chest for a moment, then grabbed his hand and pulled him into the shower. I directed the shower head away from him until the water warmed. Then I directed the stream onto his chest as I pushed him back against the tile. He grinned as I began kissing my way down his chest.

The warm water made his body turn a lovely shade of pink, but his cock stayed a creamy white inside my mouth. I rolled my tongue around him as he grabbed my hair. His moans quickened and he pulled me up.

“Soap me up.” I immediately reached for the soap and began lathering up his chest. After a quick rinse he soaped me up as well. He pressed me against the wall as he rubbed and punched my ass. My nipple rings clinked again the cold tile. He turned the water off and slapped my ass.

“Alright, you’re squeaky clean now and ready to be made dirty in all the best ways. Get dried off and go lay down on the bed. Get yourself good and wet for me and I’ll be in in a minute.”

I giggled and walked out into the hotel room. I never giggle. I may have even jumped up and down on the bed a few times before splaying out. I stretched out my legs as I would on a Saturday morning. One hand on a nipple and the other began massaging my clit. Lucas walked in after a few more minutes and grinned at my progress.

“Your service is so much more joyful in person.”

“I aspire to impress, Sir.” Getting out five words was a little harder than I thought it would be. I slowed my pace in case he wanted to chat more.

“You do impress my little sub. Now, however, I may have more of a challenge for you.” He swung a bag up between my legs on the bed. It was difficult to crane my neck up to see what he was pulling out, but I couldn’t stop rubbing my clit long enough to turn on the bed. Soon the bag was tossed aside and I could see a few piles of black straps. He walked around the side of the bed with several in his hands.

“I hope you have enjoyed playing with your lovely clit. Because now there will be no touching. At all.”

I looked toward him as a large blindfold covered my eyes and he pulled my hands away from my body. I wished I had tried harder to cum.

This piece is a continuation of last week’s Wicked Wednesday offering. If you would like to start from the beginning, click here.

Wicked Wednesday for post Stockpiled Cravings

Elust #82

Elust #82

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Photo courtesy of Teachers Have Sex

Welcome to Elust #82

The only place where the smartest and hottest sex bloggers are featured under one roof every month. Whether you’re looking for sex journalism, erotic writing, relationship advice or kinky discussions it’ll be here at Elust. Want to be included in Elust #83 Start with the rules, come back June 1st to submit something and subscribe to the RSS feed for updates!

 

~ This Month’s Top Three Posts ~

Take Me

How Do I Love Thee:On Comparing Relationships

Asking all the questions…

 

~ Featured Post (Molly’s Picks) ~

Erotic Fiction: Fishnet Queen

I Manage My Expectations

~Readers Choice from Sexbytes ~

*You really should consider adding your popular posts here too*

Wanna Have Sex With Me? – Here’s how
All blogs that have a submission in this edition must re-post this digest from tip-to-toe on their blogs within 7 days. Re-posting the photo is optional and the use of the “read more…”tag is allowable after this point. Thank you, and enjoy!

 

Sex News, Opinion, Interviews, Politics & Humor

Maybe I’m not a pervert after all
Bad Excuses
Engaging with Sexuality: A Personal Perspecti
I wish there were more porn
Cock Size: Does it matter?
Blue is not a “boy color.”

Erotic Non-Fiction

Watching My Wife With Another Man Story
Afternoon Cunnilingus & Birthday Sofa Sex
Why You Should Shave Your Partner
Oct 2014 Session – Mistress Claire
Two Days Later
Roping a cougarling
Divining Rods
Dorabella’s pink-velvet spanner

Erotic Fiction

Puppy Love
Quick & Dirty
She Says My Voice Changes for Her
THE BLINDFOLD – fear of the unknown
U is for undress…
Stay Baby…Stay.
kink of the week–glasses

Thoughts & Advice on Sex & Relationships

Slutfest Reflection
Love and Fairness
Winnowing
V is for……..
My heart turns blacker: the new rules

 

Thoughts & Advice on Kink & Fetish

Blast from the Fetish Video Past
The whole person approach to Submission
Down on my knees
Dominant Doppelgangers, Dominant Opposites
Four eyes
BDSM and Depression: Therapy or Self-Harm?

Poetry

Eden, Revisited: A Lusty Limerick

Writing About Writing

Stepping Stones
Centering Disabled Characters in My Erotica

 

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