My life has been very vanilla focused lately. Husband started a new job and slack at home has had to be picked up. I’ve taken over dinner duty again and most cleaning chores. I’m not complaining; it’s a good thing and I’m fine to take on more. Sleep has been hit and miss though, so I’m basically exhausted.
The kink side of my brain is still chugging away though. As a couple we are still trying to work out what we are and how we can manage everything. He swears he is okay with my relationship with Jack, so that will continue. He did admit that he don’t want to open our relationship any more though. I think that is more than reasonable. It’s not like I have time for another lover at this point anyway. Not that I would purposefully go against his wishes, it just makes it easier.
Husband and I took a walk over the weekend through a nature preserve outside of town. It was a beautiful day and a lovely walk. As we wondered through the woods he kept look through the trees. When I asked if he was looking for a different path he said no. Instead, he said he was looking for a felled tree or stump to bend me over.
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#4 – Do you switch into a dominant role at any time?
As a woman, I often feel like I have to be dominant in my vanilla life a lot. I have to be knowledgeable, outgoing, and confident; three things I rarely actually am. As a wife and mother I find myself taking on a dominant role at home. Being the task master when it comes to chores, hygiene (boys are gross), and our schedule.
When it comes to sex I am rarely, if ever, dominant. I think I tried to bed, way back when, but that could have just been frustration at my partner. My husband and I played around with being switches when we were first trying to spice things up. I even have a strap-on. It was all in-the-bedroom play. I didn’t really get much out of it, but it wasn’t about me. I would usually get some sort of sexual release later on in the evening. But, it was difficult for me to connect with him when I was trying to be a top.
In essence, I rarely feel comfortable being a dominant. I’m looking forward to the possibility of a promotion later this year that would put me in a supervisory position. Nothing else about the position scares me, but having to discipline a subordinate will be a new experience. Obviously not planning to use a flogger, but even just words will be a difficulty.
Sir told me he had a surprise for me, but gave no clue as to what it was. We have talked about a number of things recently so it could be one of many. All he said was that it was an activity that I had shown a great deal of interest in for some time. I was a little bit anxious, but also filled with anticipation as he brought out a canvas bag. From my kneeling position it looked like another toy bag, black in color, with four buckles holding it closed. Sir started to slowly undo the buckles. He was taking his time at revealing what was inside. He slowly unfolded the bag to reveal a fantastic surprise.
It was full of lots and lots of lovely rope. Giddy with excitement it was difficult to remain in position. I wanted to get up and play with the rope now laid out on the bed. Turning back to me, Sir took up his usual position on the edge of the bed. He talked to me at length about what he was planning to do with me and the rope. He also went on and on about the safety aspect of this play, the need to be patient as we both learn how to play with the rope. I tried not to wiggle with excitement as he talked about working up to hard ties and public play. My pussy was practically dripping.
Initially he said we would play alone, learn some basic ties, learn to get a feel for the bite of the rope and to experience increasing levels of immobilization. He also indicated that we would attend some local activities and learn from the more experienced practitioners. After he felt we had mastered the basic skills he talked about looking at full body suspension. He quickly hosed down any thoughts of that happening soon. The fact that he knew I would want to jump right into the extreme was calming as he had clearly laid out a timeline to force me to be patient.
By the time he got to this point my attention had started drifting to the rope lying there on the bed. I just wanted to pick it up and run it through my hands. I was looking forward to the new experiences this would open up. I had fantasied about being tied up, immobilized and suspended for as long as I can remember. I knew Sir would take it very slow. I suspect it’s due to his cautious nature, not that there was anything wrong with that. He had a Dom friend who unfortunately injured his sub because he tried something before he was ready.
Sir motioned me up from the floor where I had been kneeling and invited me to explore. There was so much to play with. He had obviously talked to someone experienced and purchased a pretty elaborate ‘starter’ kit. I selected a small coil of rope and released the slip knot. Pulling it through my hands I could feel my excitement building. He tells me that I’m holding a 15’ length of 6mm hemp rope. He took me through the other ropes in the bag one at a time, most likely so that he could order me to collect various lengths and widths before we play in the future.
I appreciate his understanding that expecting me to be able to collect items without explanation is unrealistic. He also showed me the EMT safety sheers. He went to great lengths to remind me that safety is very important and I’m always to raise any concerns I have when we are playing and especially when we are trying things for the first time. In fact he makes it a new rule then and there. We discussed pain versus numbness and what strain can do to damage nerves and muscles. It was a bit scary, but a necessary conversation that I appreciated.
I also spied a couple of steel objects tucked into a pocket of the bag. Sir allowed me to open the pouch and to take them out. One of the items I had seen in some porn videos. I picked up the anal hook and grinned. I’m looking forward to when we eventually play with it. The weight was heavier than I was expecting. I may have spent a little too long fondling the ball at the end thinking about where this would end up. Eventually putting it aside I found a steel ring and a heart shaped ring. Sir tells me they are suspension rings for much later on. I then put them back into the pocket. I then sit as demure as I can on the edge of the bed, hands folded in my lap, hoping I can entice Sir to try some of the rope on me tonight.
It seems to work as Sir orders me to stand and move to the space at the end of the bed. He picked up the shorter length of rope, pulled out a book I hadn’t spied and came over to me.
“Now Rye, lets do some basic practice. Understand that this will be somewhat tedious to start with and I am going to make mistakes and I’m going to want to retie knots sometimes as well. Trust me over time I will gain proficiency and you needn’t worry about your enjoyment. As it is always, careful what you wish for.” He lectured with a smile. “Now hold out your left arm like a good girl” he added.
I raise my left arm in front of me. He opened his book to a previously marked page. I can already see notes and highlights. Sir takes his research very seriously. Taking a piece of rope from the bed he quickly checked the book and turned back to me. Looking down I watched him with fascination as he went about his business. It’s clear that he has practiced this particular tie but he still checked back to the book on occasion to confirm. Such the perfectionist. Just when I thought he had finished I feel him undo the rope.
I really wanted to be able to look at the tie before he removed it. Just as that thought enters my head I feel him start again. Okay, maybe he wasn’t happy with it. A little while later he steps back and announces that this is a single column tie. Before I could even ask him what it’s used for he took the free end of the rope, looped it around the bed post, pulling to taught. My arm followed. Pretty clear implications there.
He returned to the bed and picked up a second length of rope. Repeating the process on my right arm I was now tied to the bed frame facing outwards, arms spread and tied. Stepping back he admired his handiwork. Stepping forward he asked me if I was enjoying myself, reaching his hand down to feel my pussy he got his answer. I was soaked, though I really wish I could have seen myself in the mirror.
Returning to the bed he came back with a much smaller rope, more like cord. He then proceeded to bind my tits with the cord. This caused them to swell and engorge in moments. Suitably trussed he wandered off, leaving me to my sensations. I was glad we had that mirror in the wall as I could at least admire the left side of myself. I could twist and turn a little which helped me get a partially good view. I didn’t hear him return until he commented on me admiring his handiwork, but added that he wasn’t finished just yet. As he came into view I noticed he was carrying the crop.
He walked around me, checking that his ties were not too tight and rubbing my arms. He squeezed my breasts making sure there is some blood flow, even if they were starting to turn a pinkish red. Stepping back he lined up the crop and hit my left breast. As I was expecting the blow I didn’t make a sound. Not happy with that outcome the second blow on my right breast was decidedly harder. I couldn’t contain myself this time and I let out a slow “Ouch”. Pleased with my response he began to alternate his blows from breast to breast, sometimes two or three on each before changing.
He had been deliberately avoiding my nipples but I knew it wouldn’t be long. He stepped in to check my arousal and I didn’t disappoint. My pussy was leaking profusely. I sensed he was close to finishing the play session. Stepping back again he let my nipples have it. So much ouch, so much intensity, so hot. He soon had me hoping about but also peaking my arousal.
Sensing I was struggling not to come he put the crop down, stepping in close, kissed me passionately and put his hand over my pussy. Using his hand to rub my clit, he had me begging to come within moments. Kissing me more roughly and rubbing me harder I was so close to coming that I thought I wouldn’t be able to hold back much longer. I pleaded with him to let me come for him. Pausing briefly from his passionate kissing he told me to cum like the good girl I am. That sent me over the edge.
Later, after he had untied me and we’d packed up the rope, we talked about how much fun this journey into rope was going to be.
As Molly was nice enough to use one of my Sinful Sunday photos for this topic, I feel terrible that I am waiting until the last day to get my piece posted. But I was excited that I could use it to discuss a fun, romantic experience that I hope to have again for Wicked Wednesday. Maybe next Valentine’s day. 🙂
I think threesomes are wonderful things. I’ve only had one threesome experience so far, though two nights in a row. Jack and Jill are a wonderful couple and I couldn’t have fantasized a better first encounter. At the time though, I was a nervous mess. Here was a couple that a) had had several previous threesomes, b) had an amazing physical connection on their own, and c) already knew all the right moves and tricks to please the other. So I was this third wheel coming in trying to play catch up and learn as quickly as possible.
Admittedly, there is something exciting about that third wheel experience. It’s new and I think adds to the pleasure of the evening. That doesn’t mean that I wouldn’t love to try a threesome with my husband or Jack and a third unknown person. I imagine there is a comfort in knowing and completely trusting one person going into that adventure. Personally, I think it would make me more confident in my actions. Knowing that I had the support and could be certain of pleasuring at least one of us would make me more likely to take charge. I would act on that urge to tell him to fuck me while I sucked on her clit, rather than just wishing one of them would mention it.
I think that is the general third wheel fear, at least for me. This couple knows each other’s buttons and tells to ensure the pleasure of the other. The third is just spit-balling. If one could relax and go with the flow, I’m sure that would help. I’m just sort of an anxious person when it comes to sex, so I was lucky to have an amazing couple who was patient with me.
In all my readings, both fiction and non-fiction, that is what a threesome is for someone though. A third wheel type experience. More often than not there are two people who know each other intimately inviting a third into their fun. I’m not sure I’ve ever read a story where three strangers meet at a bar or social gathering and end up in a hotel room together. Though, now that I say that, I may have to write it, just so I can say it’s out there.
I find kneeling to be such a centering activity within my submission to Sir. It was the first submissive act he introduced me to all those years ago, and one that has been a constant over our time together. My approach and understanding as to why he wants me to kneel has developed and I now appreciate the opportunity any time he gives it to me.
There is such an intensity in kneeling that underpins my mental well being, a kind of meditation where I can observe my thoughts and examine them without being caught up in them. It gives me time to process the varied feelings that my submission brings forward in me. That wasn’t always the case. In the early days I would be a sea of jumbled thoughts, drowning in the constant negative voices trying to find meaning and purpose in all of the experiences he was taking me through. Something I didn’t know I was missing until he showed it to me.
Tonight is no different although I have an unusual number of new feelings to process and observe as a result of the weekend’s activities. As I kneel here waiting for him I am drawn to the collective experiences of the weekend. I came here to experience what it would be like to go to Tryst, or at least to get a taste of what it could be like. I didn’t really know what to expect and as I have found out many times before to my detriment that having expectations is a dangerous mindset to be in. So I approached the weekend with an openness to the experiences and let them unfold as they did. Sir at least let me know the broad outline of the weekend’s activities so I was at least somewhat prepared.
Reflecting back I think the hunt for me was the most exhilarating and novel experience I encountered over the weekend. The consensual non-consent aspect, the limited negotiation around the scenes, the thrill of the chase, the intensity of the two encounters and the feeling of relief when the horn went off signalling the end of the hunt.
Also, finally making my peace with Stephen during the orgasm challenge was another tick for the weekend. I had really felt bad about how we had left things and giving him the time to dominate me and in such a public way was cathartic for me and I’d like to think for him as well.
The subsequent meeting with the bullwhip was made so much easier as a result. Don’t get me wrong it was an intense mental and physical ordeal. One I don’t think I’d like to experience too often, if at all, but with all new experiences it helps build my sense of self, and how important my submission is to me, and also to Sir.
Playing with Josh and Bianca throughout the weekend was really nice as well. We’ve connected before but we have never been together for as long. Relaxing and enjoying each other’s company both in and out of scenes was wonderful. Maybe we can host them back east sometime in the future.
Okay, reflection time is over as I here Sir’s footsteps approaching. That’s it, focus in on your breathing, clear your mind.
The door swings open and I hear him enter the room. He walks past me and I briefly glimpse his shoes as they come into my vision. I hear him move around the bedroom. It sounds like he is getting undressed and ready for bed. I’d really hoped there would be some more play. Then I sense his presence behind me. “A shiver runs through my body in anticipation.
“Your so delectable and vulnerable when you are in this position. Good girl”, he says to me. He walks around me and I hear him sit on the bed. His feet just in front of me. He reaches forward and tilts my head up and turns it to face him. He smiles, bends down and plants a chaste kiss on my lips. Before I can engage further he sits back but indicates that I need to keep focused on him.
“So Rye, tell me about how you are feeling thinking back over the weekend?” He asks me. I slowly recount my thoughts around the events of the weekend. The good and the bad bits. Areas where I don’t think I performed as well. As I spoke he interjected with a few comments and observations. As I finished my review, he asked me whether I felt ready to attend Tryst. I didn’t verbalize an answer, I just nodded my head vigorously. I think he got the message.
“Well I think that I might need to book the two of us in then. Now I haven’t had my fill of you just yet. Crawl over to the toy bag and select two implements that I can smack you with and a pair of clamps and bring them back to me. I set off crawling as quickly as I can, but work to maintain a seductive sway of my hips and ass. I selected my favorite crop, the tawse which I have a love/hate relationship with and the least bitey clamps I could see. My nipples were still a bit sore and engorged from my session with Bianca.
Returning quickly to my position I offered the items up to him. He took the crop and the tawse and placed them on the bed. Next he took the clamps from me. Pinching first one nipple between his thumb and forefinger, then the other one he applied the clamps. He pulled on the chain to makes sure they were firmly attached.
“Ok Rye, I want you over my knee”. Moving from my position I leaned over his lap and started to lay down. Obviously I was too slow. He pushed me down forceably onto his lap, holding my legs in place with his, he slapped my ass. He repeated the process for several minutes, the intensity increasing as he warmed me up.
I was glad for a warm up as I really didn’t have too much left in me to give. He next instructed me to lie face down on the bed with my hands extended above my head. He told me to hold this position and that I would be punished if I moved from it.
Alternating strokes between the crop and the tawse. Starting on my butt, then cascading down my thighs. Ohh, mmmm. I can feel that sense of slipping into nothingness but the sensation of pain and pleasure. The core becoming alive, my pussy moistening.. Focusing on each stroke. Absorbing the pain and dissipating each blow. Ever more slowly drifting to my happy place.
Sometime later, I really don’t know how long after the first blow I feel his weight shift onto the bed. My legs are forced apart and I feel him lifting my hips from the bed. His rock hard cock searching out my core. Finding it, he thrusts forward in one movement, forcing the air from my lungs. Pausing to savior the depth of his penetration, he begins to fuck me. Slowly and deliberately at first. Increasing in his urgency and speed he urges me on to a climax. He can feel me pushing back to receive more of him. This only spurs him on to pound into me. I’m so close.
“Please Sir, may I come”, I scream out. For a moment I don’t think he’s heard me as he continues to build to his climax, but then I hear a simple “Yes slut, come for me”. That’s all I need and my orgasm claims me just as he does in one final thrust burying himself balls deep emptying his balls into me as my climax seeks to pull all of his cum out of him.
Slowly our breathing returns to normal. He places an arm around my waist and pulls me closer in a classic spoon position. His cock still buried inside me as it slowly deflates. He whispers a sweet “good girl”, before telling me to get some sleep.
In a wonderful state of owned bliss I drift off to my land of dreams.
This is the final section in Rye’s weekend away. If you want to check out the other parts in the series that the Twitter Boyfriend and I put together click below. And don’t worry, our wheels are already churning on a new adventure. 🙂
Sometimes you have to hear and accept the difficult reality in order to move past it. Tamar’s comment on here the other day was hard to read. I didn’t want my actions to be causing my own problems, who really does. But as hard as it was to read, it was mostly right.
I need to focus on my ‘vanilla’ life right now, because at this point that’s the only life I’ve got. And at the rate I’m going I am going to lose that too.
Writing will always be a part of me, probably even erotica. But I probably won’t be posting as much on here for awhile. I need to start exercising again, getting more sleep, and fixing my marriage. Expecting everyone else to change while I stay the same is pretty unrealistic. So it looks like I am facing a lot of self-improvement ahead.
I just want to say that I appreciate the reality checks and the supportive words. And I am not disappearing. Just probably not updating as often. I still want to take part in as many memes as I can and finish my Define Your Kink series. This community means the world to me and I have no intention to leaving it. I may even get around and get a Sinful Sunday around for tomorrow.
This is the longest time between visits since we finally found a way to be together. It’s been a tough six months for both of us, despite the daily messaging and regular Skype calls. Our conversations have subtly shifted. I’m not quite sure what to expect when I see Adam in a few short minutes. His manner has become more forceful and dominant. Being naturally submissive this change has only served to remind me of what I once had with my husband. That aspect of my relationship died years ago. We still find time to play a couple of times a year when the mood takes us, but the 24/7 just didn’t work.
During those early few months after the 24/7 ended I had sought to try and replace that aspect of my marriage but it never felt right and Peter became increasingly uncomfortable with my attempt to find an alternate Dom. In time I let those feelings go. In there place we have found a new path for us. I still consider myself submissive and poly, but rather than seeking out a Dom or multiple play partners, I’ve settled on just two other life partners.
Each of my three men meets a different need of mine, and I meet a need of theirs. Peter is my husband and soul mate. We have survived buying a house, changing jobs and raising kids and all of the stresses that brings. I know we will be together for ever. Jason is my lover and fuck buddy. Whilst he wasn’t my first poly partner, he’s been my rock for many years. We just hit it off, enjoy each other’s company and just enjoy fucking.
Adam has always been my twin. We share a lot of things in common including our love of kink. Be it in writing, through messaging or when we are together. We are very similar and when we met he was in service to his wife. That didn’t last too long for him either, but he still has submissive tendencies. At times he has talked about being more dominant and recently I’m getting this as a much stronger vibe. He really likes the idea of owning a human pet. Secretly, I’d love to be his pet.
Passengers start streaming off the plane and casually walk past me. Peering into the stream of people I catch sight of Adam. Trying to contain my excitement I wait until he’s nearly reached me before I launch myself at him. As I release him from my big welcome hug I feel his hand in my hair. Next I feel him grip my hair and pull back on it tilting my head towards him. ‘Ouch’ I say to myself. Before I can process further he kisses me forcefully taking my breath away. His hand in my hair is holding me steady whilst he claims me. Releasing me I steady myself, trying to recover my balance. Before I can do so, he is pulling me to follow him to get his luggage from the carousel.
Whilst we are waiting with everyone else he leans down and whispers in my ear to go to the bathroom and remove my panties. He instructs me to make sure I play with myself a bit before I take them off and to make sure he has something of me to remember me by. He adds that he wants me to carry them in his hand so I am to give them to him when I get back.
Hmm, he’s certainly taking a different approach already. I think I like it and so does my pussy. As I get back from the bathroom, I pass him my black lace panties that I have scrunched tightly in my hand so people hopefully don’t notice what they are. Turns out I really shouldn’t have bothered. He takes my panties and unfurls them, hanging them off his fingers for everyone to see. I start to blush in embarrassment. Next he scrunches them back up, but before he puts them away he brings them up to his face and takes a good inhale. I hear him comment how sweet I smell. He then places them in his trouser pocket. I feel the heat in my ears and my face must be a bright crimson color as his embarrassment of me is complete. Grabbing his bag, we head out of the terminal to find my car.
I press the buttoning my key ring and the car opens and the lights flash. Before I can open the door he takes the keys from me. “I’ll drive”, he says. I have an astonished look on my face as I’ve always driven him when he visits. After loading the car I settle into the passenger seat and fit my seatbelt. He climbs in the driver’s seat and adjusts the controls. Before buckling in he leans across and tells me to hike my dress up to expose my pussy. He next tells me to put my heels on the edge of the seat to further expose my quickly moistening cunt. He finally tells me that he wants to see me play with myself as we drive to our hotel. I’m instructed that I’m not to cover myself at all unless directed to by him.
He sits back and buckles up. Starting the car he reverses out of the parking spot and drives off. Looking over to make sure I’m following instructions. I’ve tentatively placed my hand covering my pussy and I’m making little strokes with my fingers hoping not to draw any attention from the cars around us. He lets me continue like this for a few blocks until he can see the sweat on my brow and my body begin to flush with excitement.
“Both hands please”, I hear him say. Emboldened, I bring my other hand into action. One I use to hold myself open, the other I use to slide up and down in my wetness. Ahh, that got to him. I like this game. I continue to stroke and play as we drive. I’ve now got a finger pushing inside of me. As I let my head roll back as a wave of pleasure go through me I catch the truck driver in the lane beside me getting a really good look at my wanton display. He winks and I instinctively close my legs onto my hands. Sensing this, He reaches across and pulls on my knee. Obeying I spread my legs once more.
Thankfully the light goes green and we turn left and away from the truck. The humiliation and my playing with my pussy is raising the heat in the car. We drive on for a few more miles. The place we are staying at is a bit out of town. We are traveling through a less populated area now. I see ahead a small lay by besides the road as I sense him slowing down. He indicates and pulls over into the lay by beside the roadway.
The area is obscured a little bit from the road but an observant person would see the car. Without missing a beat he has unbuckled both of us. “Out of the car, hands on the hood, arse out” is all I hear him say has he opens his door. Not wanting to disappoint I quickly climb out and do as he says. Once in position I feel his hands on my calves. Moving up my legs the continues up under my skirt to my now dripping pussy. First one finger, then two are inserted. As he continues to finger fuck me I feel him fumbling to release his belt and unzip his pants.
As he is pushing his trousers down to free his cock, he is simultaneously hiking my skirt up over my waist. Pushing me further forward flat onto the hood he enters me in a single thrust. He doesn’t pause and he pounds into me, quickly and urgently. I’m loving his forcefulness. After a few more violent thrusts he comes deep inside me just as I climax as well. He quickly withdraws and wipes his cock on my skirt. “I needed that”, I hear him say to himself.
“Back into the car, you can clean yourself up later”, is his next instruction. As we pull out back into traffic I can only wonder where this is heading. So far I like what I’m feeling through his dominant behavior. He may have just re-woken my inner slut.
How do we balance what we do for ourselves as opposed to what is best for our partner/family/future?
I was approached this week by local law firm and offered a job. The increase in pay is amazing. I would have my own office (a career goal of mine) and a job title more in line with degree. I would be creating and managing records, and being allowed to make decisions. It could be a fantastic opportunity for me to not just be another nameless face in a company. But, the benefits aren’t as good as what we have now. I would be leaving possibly a more stable pension as well as dental and vision. The health care coverage wouldn’t cover as much of our mental health meds and the co-pays are higher.
So do I leave my current job, which isn’t a bad job, for something with higher pay and more opportunity for me? Or do I say as the benefits would be better for my family?
I’ll admit, as a submissive, I struggle with this. And it’s times like this that I see it come out in my non-kink life. I want my family to be happy. If I switch jobs, I may be happier, but if it’s at their expense, then I don’t want it. I thought if I took the job that I would take some of the money I received from Christmas and go buy a few new outfits. As soon as I thought it I immediately felt guilty for even thinking about spending money on myself.
Is being a submissive, in general, selfish? Now that I know that my husband doesn’t consider himself dominant it just seems selfish to pursue it. Especially since he’s be supportive of my relationship with Jack. My submission does make me happy, and I guess a happier me does affect my relationship with my husband and my kids. But is that enough? Should I just be happy with what I have?
I’m sure this can’t just be an issue for submissives, women, or mothers. I guess it just always seems to me that other people have a handle on it so much better than I do. Co-workers get their nails done or go shopping as a treat for themselves and not feel guilty. My mother bought herself a new car with her last promotion.
My submission is colliding with the vanilla part of my life this week. My husband is pushing me to very non-submissive actions. And the decision to switch jobs is becoming more complicated. I think I am playing over these thoughts a lot more than twice.
I need a drink.
Read about everyone else’s (probably sexier) posts about second thoughts today by clicking below.
I’m trying to decide if I should start wearing another necklace to ‘replace’ my collar. Obviously it wouldn’t replace it; I’m not even sure it would being fill the hole I feel. But, it could help me to feel some sort of weight like I had with the collar.
The collar that my Sir gave me was a surgical steel chain that was quite heavy. I would play with it whenever I was trying to think. It was a comfort and a weight that stayed with me throughout the day. I would touch and think of him, and I would know that he was thinking of me. It reminded me that he cared for me.
Without that security blanket around my neck I have been struggling. I didn’t realize how closely tied it was to my self-confidence. I’ve just been surprised at how much I have been questioning my decisions lately.
Which leads me to the conclusion that another, purely ornamental, necklace really wouldn’t change much. I would still feel just as lost. Some silly charm or a string of fake pearls wouldn’t have the same meaning, no matter how much I would want it to. In fact, it may just highlight the fact that I don’t have a collar. It would merely re-enforce I’m not owned by anyone. That hurt isn’t going to go away just because my neck isn’t bare.
I think I am looking for whatever I need to do to get passed this. There are a lot of elements of a break up, but it quickly gets more complicated. We’re still married, we still love one another. That doesn’t change the fact that sometimes I want to scream and cry though. I don’t (or haven’t yet). There isn’t a clean break, so to speak, so it’s hard to process sometimes.
I think I want a new necklace to try and feel like I am fixing myself. Getting myself together and being the type of person who is strong enough to be someone’s sub again. Currently, I’m in such a weird head-space I shouldn’t be anyone’s sub. I don’t want to be a pity project or a burden for someone. Then I would feel even worse.
Eventually something that is meaningful, in one way or another, will come along. Maybe by then I’ll be at a place where the idea of replacing my collar won’t be so horrific. Then I’ll be strong enough to call a necklace and be okay with it.
Why do I set myself impossible tasks when I have the patience of a two year old?