Chasing Me Chasing You

An uncollared submissive struggling through depression, motherhood, and the constant craving of her next orgasm.

I Just Cannot Win

**This blog was originally created in 2010 to document my husband and my life as we tried to get pregnant with our first child. After finding BDSM I repurposed the blog in 2014 to look at our kink and balancing it with the two children we now have. Please feel free to read the below posts and any from my 2010 and 2011 archive, but please be aware that they are not representative of our life now. Also, certain edits have been made to these posts. To start from the beginning of our kinky life, start here. **

I am currently reading Day After Night by Anita Diamant. She wrote one my favorite works The Red Tent, a masterpiece if you have not had the privilege. This work, published in 2009, tells the story of four women who have survived the second world war and are trying to start over in Israel. And I realized something about myself as I read this book, even though I am hardly three chapters in. I attach myself emotionally to whatever I am doing and I judge myself based on interactions with others and their emotions. These women each have a story; full of struggle and loss. I’m not sure if it is self-pity, but I hate myself as I read their pasts because they make my life seem so jovial. I always feel like I complain too much whenever I read a good dramatic book or emotional movie/show. I’m not sure which is worse, feeling bad because everyone around me is overly happy, or feeling bad because my life isn’t as terrible as it has been for others. Quite a pathetic predicament.

However, keeping all that in mind, I think my depression has wained a lot in the last few months. The baby prep has helped, though my baby time clock has not made that easy. My self-confidence has not grown, but that’s probably because my waistline has. It’s just a constant balancing act. Not getting enough sleep makes it worse, but so does getting too much. Going clothes shopping is like pulling teeth, but our weekly grocery run is calming. I’m almost jealous of those with chemical depression as I feel like it would at least be more consistent. It’s really a two steps forward, one step back kind of deal.
Lately, my career, or lack of one has been the big issue. My job has nothing to do with either my undergraduate or graduate degrees. It’s frustrating trying to pay bills doing something you do not really want to do. And to tell you truth, I would not really mind my job, if it actually paid the bills. But the raise we were promised in April is still a long time coming, and with this one income we really struggle to support D and I, not to mention a child. It’s just frustrating, expecting life to be fair.

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