I want to start this with a disclaimer stating that I am very new to the BDSM lifestyle and my husband and I are just starting to integrate it into our lives. No statements made here are judgements or criticisms of other peoples’ relationships or definitions of words used below. These are merely my interpretations of a lifestyle choice.
I realized that I was sexual submissive about a year ago. If I had thought about it, I probably would have come to that conclusion a long time before that. After talking with Sir and doing some extensive research together, we decided to start a Dominant/Submissive relationship. He wants to take this outside of the bedroom, but I really don’t feel comfortable with that just yet. I guess I am already starting to have differing views on how this change in our relationship is going to play out.
Being a submissive doesn’t automatically mean that you have no power, i.e. doormat. Some people chose for it to mean that, but not everyone. Some take a step farther from submission and become a slave. Each relationship has it’s own parameters and limits. While I am collared, I am not a slave. My submission is only in sexual and service context and doesn’t effect our children or any large life decisions (house, job, etc.).
I would like to clarify that being a submissive (or slave, for that matter) is not easy. It’s not being walked on and jumping when my master says (mostly). And I have seen other blog comments that question ‘why would you do that’? I see it as a complete act of trust of my husband and lover. I trust that he will be caring and loving in return. That he will accept and appreciate my submission. It’s a large responsibility, but so is wearing a collar. He has given me as much power as I have given him.
Which leads me to my current conundrum: How do you deal with relationship issues that arise? When we were in a standard vanilla relationship, we just sat down and talked it out. But now, everything carries more weight to it. Honesty is still a necessity, but this is now a delicate balance of power. How do I tell him that I’m uncomfortable without upsetting the scales? How do we talk about sexual issues in this new set-up? I just don’t want this to be over before it really begins. I don’t want my submission to be seen as a ‘get out of jail free’ card whenever he screws up. Turning on the Dom voice and ordering me to clean up the mess isn’t going to fly (or is it?). And while I am perfectly happy providing for his sexual needs, a neglected sub is an unhappy sub. He has responsibilities too. And I don’t want a conversation about him shirking those responsibilities to be seen as me questioning his commitment or his trust.
I guess I am just feeling melodramatic today. Reading too many BDSM romances. Obviously ready for the weekend and a chance to get out of the house.