Chasing Me Chasing You

An uncollared submissive struggling through depression, motherhood, and the constant craving of her next orgasm.

Disappointment

With a three year old and an infant, my sex life is strained, to say the least. And with Sir and I ready to jump back into BDSM full throttle, it’s been even more stressful for us. The pregnancy put everything on hold and now the lack of sleep is continuing that trend.

So, you can imagine my joy when Sir told me that we were going to scene Sunday night…

I was literally jumping up and down as I put the kids to bed. It took Tiny longer to fall asleep as I am pretty sure he could sense my excitement, and the aforementioned jumping probably did not help. But, eventually, both boys were asleep.

Now, I cannot tell you my head space all afternoon in preparation for this. Turning my submissive head on and off with two small children is hard. It often makes me jealous of the 24/7 slaves that can just sit in that headspace. Maybe someday, like after Tiny moves out, but I digress. When dealing with my boys, I feel like being strong is essential to teaching them how to treat women. So I find myself switching back and forth to my comfortable submissive nature only when my husband and I are alone. It’s a lot more mentally draining that one would think. So the idea of sinking into subspace for a few hours sounded lovely.

So when the scene went wrong, I lost it. Scene issues are rarely just the fault of one person, but after months of half-hearted play I was so disappointed, and it was directed at myself. Sir was a champ. He just held me while I cried. He took a lot of responsibility too, but I was just so crushed. Once in my submissive headspace I want to do everything perfect. In my everyday life I could care less about dirty dishes or the last time I vacuumed, but sub me is a different story. Considering how seldom we can squeeze together time in, I was devastated that Sir did not get what he wanted. A rough night, to be sure.

With life being so crazy, I really look to my submissive side to take on all the stress relief and relaxation for the rest of me. And since she has not had the chance to come out and play, I am so tense and stressed it is driving me up the wall. I may have to break down and get a mani/pedi or a massage or something. Which may sound good to some of you, but I would take a good beating and rough sex over a massage any day. That’s a lot to put on one side of myself though. So I really need to manage my expectations and give myself a break.

I just want to find a way to move past this. I need to get over this hiccup so that we can get back on the horse. We are just getting our BDSM relationship sorted and I do not want this minor step back to be a huge derailment for us. I know Sir would not accept that, so the sooner I can let this go, the better. Fingers crossed that I can get this all out of my head before he decides that we are jumping back on the horse again.

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