My two month old looked at me and smiled today. It melted my heart. Talk about a wave of motivation. And right now I need all the motivation I can get.
The job search is halting. Jobs that look interesting won’t give me the time of day. I’m sure that other people experience this. Some sort of required education or experience keeps you from a job that looks good or that you would be great at. I would be an amazing personal assistant. I keep this family organized and I know I could do it for someone else. But getting someone to give me the opportunity to show that is difficult. Our society is so ingrained in ‘who you know’, that I have no shot. I hate the idea that my parent’s limited social circle has somehow punished my employment options.
What really scares me is that my social circle could change my son’s lives. When my little boy smiles at me like he did this morning, it just makes me worry even more that my incapability to find a good job now and create those connections so my kids can get a position in the future. My careful nature when choosing my friend and confidants could alter their employment. I don’t know if that makes me want to be more outgoing, or just depressed about how little my work ethic and commitment means when I apply for a position.
Right now I will apply for jobs and focus on the beautiful smiles of my sons to get me through. Maybe I can talk Sir into an orgasm or three tonight.