I have always wanted to be a mom. I had a good childhood and have always wanted to have kids of my own. However, I have never wanted to be a stay-at-home mom. I don’t begrudge those women who do and are, I have immense respect for them. But it’s just not anything that I wanted to do. My mother always worked outside the home and I have lofty career goals. So believe me when I say that the last few months have been tough.
Between the fear that I am screwing up my children and the feeling of not contributing to the household financially, I am a mess. I don’t have any personal time. I never leave the house (except with two children in tow). My insomnia has gotten worse. Obviously, I get up with the baby, but you would think that I would be so tired at the end of the day that I just crash. Not a chance. Last night it took me about three hours to fall asleep. On the bright side, I got through a few chapters of my book. So, I guess that is my personal time.
Then there is the crushing guilt. I wanted to be a mom, shouldn’t I be relishing this time with my kids? I should have fun crafts and playdates scheduled everyday to foster their education and social skills. I should have handmade snacks and fresh juice for their routine meal times. The house should be clean and dinner prepared when Master gets home. Easy, right?
But it’s not easy. I didn’t really think it would be simple, again, I’m not trying to put down good stay-at-home moms. But I have always worked hard to be good at whatever challenges I’m faced with. I thought, though difficult, that I could work at it and be successful. I have never felt like a bigger failure.
Was I wrong to have kids if I didn’t want to stay home with them? Can I still be a good mom without needing a break from my boys? A break, by the way, includes more than just being able to go to the bathroom by myself, which I can currently not do either.
Sorry for whining. My PMS has my emotional sanity on it’s last legs. I just don’t know where to go from here.