Sometimes I wish I could be a 24/7 slave. Dealing with the real world is scary. I don’t want to hide behind my master, but I will admit that I am most relaxed when I can just serve. After a day of changing diapers and taking orders from small children, there is nothing more relaxing than just kneeling and sinking into the floor. And for better or worse, I try to take that feeling throughout the day.
We can’t always play. So there are often large gaps between scenes. We are pretty sexual people, we have sex more than most young parents I know. But life happens. So that relaxed feeling often has to last for days at a time. But I can’t be submissive outside the bedroom at home, at least, not yet. And that mind set follows me and combats with my other responsibilities.
I realized it only after I found BDSM, but I am submissive entirely. Not just sexually, but in everything. Some see it as being a pushover, or a doormat. I get enjoyment out of making people happy and I avoid confrontation. That does not mean that I take abuse. I grew up always protecting my brother and keeping him safe. I want to fight and hide at the same time. I feel so contradictory. It relaxes me to buy gifts and please people, but I can’t always do that and be the right role model for my sons. So I feel like I am lying to myself by trying to hide the submissive person that I am. How do I demand respect and teach my sons how to live? Maybe I am a doormat.
Wow. That was not the conclusion I thought I would come to when I started this post. I said I talk in circles until I come to a true realization. Sometimes I even surprise myself.