Chasing Me Chasing You

An uncollared submissive struggling through depression, motherhood, and the constant craving of her next orgasm.

Trust

Trust is everything.

It is what every type of relationship is built on. Your lover, your boss, the guy that is driving the subway train that you are riding on. You put your trust in people everyday, some you don’t even know and will never meet.

And when that trust is shaken or lost from someone you care about deeply, it hurts worse than any physical pain (including childbirth, before you ask). Last year my husband revealed to me that he had been lying about a relationship he had had in college. I had so many insecurities because of that imaginary relationship. I even considered not marrying him because I thought I could never be enough. And to hear, as we were getting ready to start our BDSM relationship, that it was not what I had always thought was so belittling. But, as much as it hurt, we moved passed it. It was hard to be honest, but we both worked through a lot to start this new lifestyle.

The last few months have been really difficult for me. I haven’t wanted to burden him with my problems or my pain. That’s not fair. As a wife and a submissive, he needs me to be honest with him about when I am struggling. So when he asked me how bad it was last night, I was honest. Scary honest. He trusted me to share and I trusted him to listen. I didn’t expect him to fix everything, but I did think it may be a wake-up call to lend a hand.

So, this morning when I got up before dawn and he grunted, rolled over, and fell back asleep I was hurt. I opened up to him and it felt like he was just laughing in my face. I came downstairs, made my coffee, and stewed. He knew pretty quickly once he came down that I was pissed. I am my mother’s daughter, I wasn’t mad. I was disappointed and hurt, which is worse.

I trust him, I do. He is my husband, my lover, my Master. But right now, his actions took me right back to his confession and how much I hurt. Normally I would just be shaken, but my foundation is so fragile right now, which he knew, that this tremor feels like an earthquake.

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