Vanilla relationships (I’m not trying to generalize too much, it’s just been my experience) work better if there is at least a sense of fairness. If aspects around the home are shared people don’t feel used or taken advantage of. Even if only one person works, there is a balance of responsibility. For me personally, there was also this balance when it came to sex. It was this imaginary score card that we had to balance constantly. If one person got oral then the next night the other would. Sex counted for both of us, but didn’t clear out the backlog. It was weird how we both had running totals. It never really led to fights, but I’m sure there was resentment more than once on both sides.
Now this has been completely turned on its head. Our BDSM relationship is about a whole different kind of fairness. I put my trust in him to take care of me, and he does. It’s up to him how he takes care of me. There is no scorecard. I don’t have to worry about keeping everything balanced. I can do everything on the list that he gives me and try to go above and beyond whenever possible, but he believes I’m good enough. That’s all that matters.
That doesn’t mean that it’s easy. I really thought it would be. I could just let go, do what I’m told, and be in a calm space. That was going to be all I needed. It is, it’s just harder than I thought. Last night I knelt in service and I was used. I felt really good. Really turned on and really accomplished. But then, he rolled over and went to sleep. And that riddled me. I did everything I was supposed to. And there I was, dripping and awake. I’m not allowed to orgasm without permission, and I’m not allowed to wake him if it’s not an emergency. So I laid there. It took me about three hours to fall asleep and then the baby woke me up about two hours later. I’m cranky today, and only on my second cup of coffee.
I’m really conflicted about the whole thing. I want to be a good submissive; who can be used and discarded. But I also felt neglected. Can I feel neglected? It’s not like this has never happened before, but it wasn’t in a BDSM context. I don’t feel an animosity toward Sir, but I do feel weird somehow.
I obviously need to work on being able to bring myself down from being really turned on. Otherwise everyday after this happens I will be cranky and that will make Sir upset. And making him feel guilty (even unknowingly) for doing what he wants with me does not seem like a good idea. But at the same time my insomnia does not need any encouragement.
More coffee…that’s the answer. Solutions can always be found in a hot cup of coffee.