I had postpartum depression after my first son was born. It was a struggle between the guilt of going back to work and needing a break from everyone needing a piece of me. But Sir and our extended family really helped me to get through it. He was the first grandbaby on both sides and people came out of the woodwork to come stay and help around the house. It was a huge breath of fresh air when I felt like I was drowning.
I was prepared, then, when I got pregnant with baby 2.0. Sir and I tried to deal with a lot of those issues beforehand and I talked to my OBGYN. However, when I say I was prepared, I mean that I severely under-estimated how hard it would be to go through that again. The last few months have seen us move from a city that we have lived in for six years, leaving my job and my co-workers, and completely changing our financial family position. Becoming a stay-at -home mom with one child this summer was difficult (being hot and pregnant did not help). Now that I am alone with an infant and a toddler my anxiety continues to rise. I do not know if I have postpartum this time around, but the panic that I might have it is almost worse.
Over the weekend I could not get baby 2.0 to calm down. And I had this out of body panic attack where I saw myself getting so frustrated that I started shaking him. I was horrified. I was so shocked for the rest of the day, Sir could tell immediately. I just could not shake that vision and the horror.
I am not a masochist, I do not get sexual gratification from pain. But I went to Sir and asked to be punished. I could not forgive myself for even thinking about hurting my child, even in that stressful moment. I needed him to punish me and tell me that I was ok. Like some sort of absolution. Sir did not judge me, he has been supportive of the difficulties that I have had to deal with since leaving work.
Sir was worried about me, but he said he would help me. It was set up like a punishment. He forced me to say that I would safeword if I needed to. He knew that I thought I deserved whatever he did and might not admit my limits. Sir said he wanted to take it seriously, so he said he wouldn’t hold back. He had never gone full strength with the paddle before, but he knew going soft would not help me to get passed this. I won’t lie, it hurt. I took all that pain and let it go. I cried. And after everything, he just held me. It was the definition of aftercare and it was exactly what I needed. I just let everything go. It was more freeing than I would have thought and it gave me a lot of perspective.
The last couple of days have been quite calming. Even when the baby is screaming, I feel like I am doing much better. And I feel so much better having been forgiven by Sir. I needed him to tell me that I was still a good mother and forgiven for having thoughts that would dispute that. His opinion is the only one that matters and his assurance that I am not a bad mother is all that I needed after I forgave myself.
I never would have thought that BDSM and our relationship as a Dom/sub could help me with parenting and my depression. I am not saying that this is a cure-all and I do not recommend that everyone try it to help them get through things. But this was a huge turning point for me and it amazes me how this change has affected every aspect of my life. I mean, it is called a lifestyle for a reason. And I am so happy that it has provided me with a new look at myself and what I can be.