You get depressed because you know that you’re not what you should be – Marilyn Manson
Never judge a book by it’s cover, and I will be the first to admit that Marilyn Manson has a tough cover not to judge. But I love this quote. It sums up every depressive slump that I have ever had. Every bad thing that has happened to me is because I didn’t do something. I failed myself in some way. And as things around me get stressful for whatever uncontrollable reason, I take it on myself.
These last few months have been very difficult. I don’t feel like I am doing what I should be doing. I love my kids, but I want to work. I want to contribute and give the kids every possible chance at social skills. I feel like I am failing them by not showing them how strong I can be. Our oldest did so well in daycare when I was working before and I am worried that our baby won’t get the social skills that he needs. When they misbehave I internalize it as me letting them down. I am not claiming that it’s logical, but it’s there.
This thought process has seeped into my submissive mindset as well. I know what I am. I am a sexual submissive. I want nothing more than to discover how deep that goes. And it’s hard, to not be able to give myself over completely to that. To Sir. But I can only give what he will take. Pushing, whining, begging won’t change that.
I just cannot keep pulling this onto myself. I am giving everything I can to this. I am being what I should be. I cannot give anymore. And I refuse to be depressed because I have finally found what I am, and I will not apologize for it.
I’m sorry if that’s not good enough. I will continue to be happy for finding it. Even if it has to stay inside me; at least I know who I am, and that is enough for me.