This week’s Wicked Wednesday prompt was about Trust. My post was about BDSM relationships generally. Another response, this one by Stella Kiink, looked much closer about trust and honesty in talking about desire. See her entire post here. But a few statements in her piece rung true for me.
“We often leave things unsaid, desires unfulfilled, simply because we don’t want to open ourselves up and be thought less of or be made fun of for having them.We don’t trust ourselves. We don’t trust that what we want is ok, regardless of what anybody else may think.”
I completely agree with that, as much as I wish it wasn’t correct. I also find myself holding back from asking. It’s myself that I don’t trust, not him. I know that he would never judge me. And, even if he cannot give me everything that I desire, I know he won’t laugh or outright reject any request. It can still be difficult to form the words to explain a fantasy or need clearly; I often leave out the most important part, making it impossible for him to fulfill the desire completely. I handicap him before he even starts. And even though I don’t blame him, I know that when he doesn’t get that perfect reaction he blames himself. I hurt him when I don’t trust myself enough to be honest.
Stella also discusses how she is honest with her readers. Her willingness to share with her readers is also a mirror held to my face. Even though Sir reads this, I hate the idea that he is learning things for the first time on this blog, rather than direct from my lips. I will say that it is somewhat comforting that I am not the only one guilty of this transgression.
So I am trying to go with a clean slate. Below, like Stella (and some I stole from her), are several of my current fantasies and desires. Hopefully a pretty comprehensive list, but I’m sure Sir will pull a few more out of me. But after this I will do my best not hold on to any of them, especially not from him. And, since it’s easier, for whatever reason, from you either.
I want to be desired
I want to be spoiled
I want to be used, repeatedly
I want to be forced to cum, over and over
I want you to photograph me
I want to feel as sexy as you think I am
I want to beg for everything you choose to give me
I want to crawl
I want to be everything that you want me to be
I want to be punished until I cry
I want you to talk dirty to me
I want to be covered in your cum in public
I want to be your princess and your slut
I want to be one of those subs that you masturbate to
Feel free to judge if you want, I can’t hear you laughing.