Chasing Me Chasing You

An uncollared submissive struggling through depression, motherhood, and the constant craving of her next orgasm.

Making Me Think

Kaya commented on one of my posts this week.
March 16, 2015
Served him better by whose standards, yours or his? 🙂

What a strange yet insightful question? I never thought about it like that before. Standards are such odd things. I have always had high standards for myself. And, therefore, I was always hard on myself for not meeting those standards because x,y, or z. But now Sir has standards, I don’t really get to have standards. Let’s just say, for the sake of argument, however, that some of my old, no-longer existent standards were higher than his regarding certain things. So I may meet his expectations on the quality of dinner, or the quantity of laundry completed, but not mine. How do I walk away from that feeling of failure and just be happy that he’s happy. Because, of course, the flip-side is that when I reach my higher personal standard, I get upset when he doesn’t notice my overachievement.

So, is it even worth it to have standards of what it means to me to be a ‘good’ sub/slave? Is that just a waste of my time and energy? It’s ok, you can tell me. I know his are the only expectations I should be worrying about. And if he isn’t calling me a bad salve, then I’m not one. But I can still feel like one occassionally, or is that somehow thwarting his authority?

You have no idea how much I just want to turn my brain off and be the mindless hole that I get to be an hour or so everyday. I can’t even get my head to stop all this nonsense when I sleep.
I am not sure how that turned into a straight ramble. I have been a little on edge the last few days. But this weekend Sir and I are getting some alone time. Tomorrow is actually our one year collaring anniversary. We have a hotel room this evening and Sir has unabashedly packed about every toy we own. Then we have an entire date day while the kids hang out with Nana. We are all very excited about our respective Saturday plans.
I am obviously open to suggestions, but I guess what I will try to take away from today’s gibberish of a post is that I need to stop thinking so much. He is satisfied and would not hesitate to let me know otherwise. I need to appreciate the one thing in my life that is simple and makes me deliriously happy. The constant compunction to analyze that happiness needs to stop. I am sure more anniversaries will help. Kaya’s experience shines in her question and one day I hope to gain her level of perspective. I am sure you do too, as it will limit further ramblings. Well, probably not, but we all can dream.
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9 Responses to “Making Me Think”

  • tori

    Personally i think its good, positive to have standards, its being realistic with them that i think can be what causes conflicts, so he has certain standards he expects from me, its on me to meet them.

    What does it mean to be a good sub/slave?, whatever ones Master etc dictates what a good slave is, which may not be the same as another dominants, i learnt a long time ago to not compare….doesnt stop me though sometimes lol

    I have standards of what i consider being a good slave, but they are based on his expectations.

    x

    • tori

      I’m sorry if this comment caused offence in any way, that wasn’t my intention.

    • CollaredMom

      No, I am so sorry. I have been replying to comments on my ipad and the thing kept giving me lip, so I stopped until I could get to a real computer. I think that your comment is quite apt. And I like your last statement about your standards being based on his expectations. I think that is very smart.

      I think that Sir and I just need to continue an open dialogue about what his expectations are so that I can more accurately create those correlated standards.

    • tori

      lol its me, i read it back, and i wasnt happy with it, i thought it came across quite preachy and judgy and it niggled me, im glad you didnt take i that way….

      im a worry wart lol

  • kaya

    “So, is it even worth it to have standards of what it means to me to be a ‘good’ sub/slave?”

    It is, I think. After all, your desire to be a ‘good slave’ certainly has some influence on his desire to be a good dom. I think when it becomes a problem is when your standards begin to supercede his. For instance, if he tells you to sleep and you refuse because *you* decide that being a good slave means doing the dishes instead. But if he wasn’t giving you a directive and you chose to do the dishes over taking a nap, then you’d be choosing to be a good slave. (Or something like that. It made sense in my head anyway.)

    “And if he isn’t calling me a bad salve, then I’m not one”
    True. Only he gets to make that call.

    “But I can still feel like one occassionally, or is that somehow thwarting his authority?”

    You feel what you feel. I’m not sure even they get to dom our feelings into submission too much. Direct them, maybe. Change them, yes. But tell us to feel or not feel? Ehhh… I’m skeptical.

    But again, it’s thwarting when your feelings override his. It’s like when I get punished for something and then he’s done with it, he’s forgiven me, he’s moving on, and I’m mired down in guilt and shame and acting all boo-hoo about it. Then he gets mad at me all over again because I’m, in his eyes, not obeying. I’m letting my feelings control me instead of him.

    Introspection is a good thing. Just ask me, I do it all the time, lol. It sometimes drives Master *insane* but I like to think it gives us a better understanding of what we’re doing and why. That can’t be a bad thing.

    • CollaredMom

      I completely understand the guilt post-punishment thing. A work in progress, to be sure.

  • ancilla_ksst

    I have the same thing- when he’s done punishing he wants me to be done with guilt. I work really hard on that! Or if he’s decided I don’t need punishment, I still have to let go of it. That is even harder sometimes because I don’t have that… arg, can’t think of the word.

    • CollaredMom

      I get a certain amount of release from the punishment somehow. If he doesn’t punish me for something and just wants me to let it go, I have a hard time.

  • K in New England

    I am so with you on turning off the brain. At times it seems impossible. There are times I wish I could rewire my brain. Have a great day.

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