Kaya commented on one of my posts this week.
March 16, 2015
Served him better by whose standards, yours or his? 🙂
What a strange yet insightful question? I never thought about it like that before. Standards are such odd things. I have always had high standards for myself. And, therefore, I was always hard on myself for not meeting those standards because x,y, or z. But now Sir has standards, I don’t really get to have standards. Let’s just say, for the sake of argument, however, that some of my old, no-longer existent standards were higher than his regarding certain things. So I may meet his expectations on the quality of dinner, or the quantity of laundry completed, but not mine. How do I walk away from that feeling of failure and just be happy that he’s happy. Because, of course, the flip-side is that when I reach my higher personal standard, I get upset when he doesn’t notice my overachievement.
So, is it even worth it to have standards of what it means to me to be a ‘good’ sub/slave? Is that just a waste of my time and energy? It’s ok, you can tell me. I know his are the only expectations I should be worrying about. And if he isn’t calling me a bad salve, then I’m not one. But I can still feel like one occassionally, or is that somehow thwarting his authority?
You have no idea how much I just want to turn my brain off and be the mindless hole that I get to be an hour or so everyday. I can’t even get my head to stop all this nonsense when I sleep.
I am not sure how that turned into a straight ramble. I have been a little on edge the last few days. But this weekend Sir and I are getting some alone time. Tomorrow is actually our one year collaring anniversary. We have a hotel room this evening and Sir has unabashedly packed about every toy we own. Then we have an entire date day while the kids hang out with Nana. We are all very excited about our respective Saturday plans.
I am obviously open to suggestions, but I guess what I will try to take away from today’s gibberish of a post is that I need to stop thinking so much. He is satisfied and would not hesitate to let me know otherwise. I need to appreciate the one thing in my life that is simple and makes me deliriously happy. The constant compunction to analyze that happiness needs to stop. I am sure more anniversaries will help. Kaya’s experience shines in her question and one day I hope to gain her level of perspective. I am sure you do too, as it will limit further ramblings. Well, probably not, but we all can dream.