Chasing Me Chasing You

An uncollared submissive struggling through depression, motherhood, and the constant craving of her next orgasm.

The Weight of Weight

I am not a small person. I used to dance competitively, years ago. And even then I was still the tallest girl with the biggest boobs. So when I tore a bunch of ligaments in my ankle and they told me I could never wear pointe shoes again, my body decided enough was enough. My passport photo from 2000 had me at a slender 110 pounds, by the end of my freshman year of college I was up to 150. And my emotional eating has continued to help me combat the horrors of being thin. So yesterday, when I finally broke and Sir forced me to go to an urgent care I can’t say I was all that surprised when the scale tipped in at 192.

Who am I kidding, I was a mess. I know I can justify it by saying that I am older, that I have had two kids. But somehow blaming my two adorable boys for my fat ass doesn’t seem quite fair to them. But at the same time, turning the blame where it belongs, at myself, just sends me to more emotional eating. Quite the vicious cycle.

I shouldn’t care, right? I mean, I don’t aspire to be a pornstar. And Sir doesn’t seem to mind. More to love and all that. And he’s not perfect either. But that number, it’s so big. And one of my cousin’s closest friends passed away last December from a heart attack. He had just turned 37. What’s terrible is that my own vanity seems to be motivating me more than the loss of this man. That number taps into some visceral fear that Sir will wake up one day and crave some skinny, narrow hipped stick insect. That probably won’t really happen, but my brain doesn’t always think the most logical thoughts.

So, what do I do? I would tell Sir to start regulating my food, but I have a feeling that crackers and water will get old fast and I will just end up rebelling and eating spoonfuls of peanut butter in protest. Punishment be damned. I should start running again. Cross country kept the number at bay through the rest of high school. I could at least try to balance my love of mayonnaise with a few laps around the block. Or an indefinite number of crunches.

So I’ll muddle through errands today. Pushing a cart and chasing a three year old counts for something. I’m sure it doesn’t burn more calories than my morning four cups of coffee, but every little bit helps.

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10 Responses to “The Weight of Weight”

  • DtBHC

    Hi CollaredMum,

    I’ve struggled with my weight my entire adult life. It became a self fulfilling prophecy, and I just kept getting bigger. I had reached 230lbs and was so close to developing type II diabetes. I just had to do something.

    I’ve recently changed this mindset through the use of a simple food diary (MyFitnessPal) which has modified my diet and with some increased exercise (I now use a Fitbit). It’s designed to encourage eating to a target so that you lose weight in a controlled manner. I have been surprised at how easy this has been. I’ve also stopped drinking alcohol. I’ve also been supported by N who is also using the food diary as well. I’m now almost back to where I was when I was 30 (185), and planning to get back to a healthy weight.

    I don’t think it needs radical change, just some minor adjustments and support to maintain focus. I’m willing to support you in this if you need it. I’m sure you can do it.

    • CollaredMom

      Thanks. I appreciate the support. I have a fitbit and I need to use it more regularly. I was having a daily step goal, but with being sick, it’s been put on hiatus.

  • Tamar

    You’re not alone. So many of us struggle with the weight thing. I just keep trying to eat healthy, manage portion control, and the biggie- push myself to exercise regularly. I have varying degrees of success with all of the above, but when I manage to make all three happen with any regularity, I do lose weight and feel much better. Conversely, when I fall off the wagon (and get run over by said wagon repeatedly) I gain it back, which is where I’m at right now. It sucketh muchly. Best of luck to all of us!

    • CollaredMom

      Best wishes for your continued success. Maybe I just need to see if Sir will hit me more. That burns calories, right?

  • K in New England

    Don’t beat yourself up. We all go through it. I have had so many problems this past year, there’s been little time to focus on me and my health, but that soon will change. Take your time and make slow gradual steps. Weight Watchers also is on line now with lots of support. Good luck and hang in there. I’m right there with you.

    • CollaredMom

      Thank you. This issue comes around in cycles. This time I just need to get my butt in gear, figuratively and literally. I appreciate the support.

  • tori

    As has been said, try not to give yourself a hard time, you have had 2 children in a relatively short space of time…thats not an excuse its reality.

    Dont set goals that are too far out of reach, be realistic, little goals that are achievable so when you reach them you can give yourself a pat on the back.

    ok lecture over lol

    • CollaredMom

      I think I just forget that reality bites sometimes. And don’t worry, you’re not lecturing, or I don’t care if you are. I need the reality check. Thanks

  • Florida Dom

    Have you checked with a doctor about your weight and what is ideal for you? Sometimes women obsess about it too much. As long as you’re healthy, a few extra pounds are OK. And it sounds like he loves you curvy.

    FD

    • CollaredMom

      He definetly loves the curves. My doctor and I have had a few general discussions about it. I have a follow-up appointment next week for my general ich and I will bring it up again.

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