Chasing Me Chasing You

An uncollared submissive struggling through depression, motherhood, and the constant craving of her next orgasm.

Beginnings

As is often in my life, beginnings start with an admission. A realization about myself that alters my way of thinking and changes my path. BDSM was/is no different. As Sir pushes me to submit in all things, I have to accept and embrace certain truths in order to succeed.

Namely, that I am high maintenance. I think I tried to fake low maintenance when I was young. I wanted to seem aloof for guys and my friends. I wasn’t very successful. Sir claims he saw right through me. He doesn’t seem to mind, but it drives me up the wall.

I need positive re-enforcement. I need outside motivation. I need to be told/shown that I am enough for him and that I make him happy. Now, I guess, if he knows this, then he can just give me a pat on the head once and awhile and be on his way. But, add low self-esteem to my maintenance levels and you have a recipe for disaster.

That entire previous paragraph seems crazy to me. I mean, I lived alone, in another country for several months. Shouldn’t I be completely self sufficient? Is this something that will worsen with age? Or is this just a manifestation of my fears that I won’t be a good sub and he’ll eventually want to drop the whole thing? None of those are good.

But I’m panicking over nothing. He has not made any comment of dissatisfaction. He has been supportive of my depression waves as I deal with postpartum and looking for/being constantly rejected from various jobs. Just because my requirements are so high, doesn’t mean that he isn’t doing everything he can to help.

So, I’ve come around to the beginning again. Possibly a forced a beginning, but those can be the best kind. I need to make a change in how I look at difficulties in my life. I know I can’t wish away the ‘high maintenance me’. I would if I could. But I do need to look at all the growth I have done since I realized how happy I could be as a submissive. Look at everything that this has given me. And in moments of weakness, I need to remember it. Beginning to step back from what I perceive as personal failures and look at them merely as steps to find a better way; that will make a difference.

I wasn’t happy with my sex life. I was depressed and felt unworthy and unattractive. So I started venturing out from my standard romance novel (a fairytale never to be achieved) and I started reading modern erotica. Eventually stumbling on several BDSM authors and some wonderful stories about women finding their submissive side. If I wasn’t frustrated and unhappy with my sexual relationship, I never would have stumbled onto it’s salvation. I never would have found the one thing in my life right now that keeps me grounded. And Sir and I would never have learned to connect and trust like we do.

So, sometimes things have to go wrong before they can be right. Sometimes that hurdle that you never think you’ll get over, is right before the finish line.

 

Wicked Wednesday

4 Responses to “Beginnings”

  • Marie Rebelle

    So many things in this post resonate with me, and one place I have been many times and might be many times more is: “Or is this just a manifestation of my fears that I won’t be a good sub and he’ll eventually want to drop the whole thing?”
    I know He wouldn’t just stop with it, because this is not a game, but our way of life, but still I worry, especially in times we are both busy and tired and I feel ‘not connected’. Then I need Him to ground me again.

    It’s great that you found your special connection 🙂

    Rebel xox

    • Rye

      The way of life is sometimes interrupted by those irrational thoughts. Grounded is a great place to be. Thanks for reading.

  • KaziG

    I can so relate to this… it wasn’t until sex died in the marital bedroom that I went looking for fulfilment and found it in spades in the BDSM lifestyle. I only wish I hadn’t waited so long!!

    ~Kazi xxx

    • Rye

      Me too. Though, I guess, if we had found it earlier in our marriage it may not have worked out like this. Some things come along precisely when they are supposed to.

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