Chasing Me Chasing You

An uncollared submissive struggling through depression, motherhood, and the constant craving of her next orgasm.

She Escaped

In the interests of full-disclosure, I need to tell you that this is not my submissive brain talking. In fact, I have no idea who is talking or how important she is in my head. She may be a peon who is rebelling from her submissive queen (I have an ironic head).

But something struck me from one of the comments this week.

I think being stressed is such an inhibitor to functioning well on so many levels but what you really need to focus on is that unless your care for yourself well then you will be of no use to those who need you. It is not selfish it is necessary

Mollyxxx

So, I know this was in response to my depression post of a few days ago, but life happens and I keep processing it through all facets of my life. And I have concluded that its accuracy is so extreme that I need to eliminate as much stress as I possibly can.

So, here’s the rub.

I’m really sexually frustrated.

I’ll let you in on a secret. My sex drive is going crazy. And I didn’t realize that putting all of my sexual release into his hands would be so difficult. He has every right to use me and roll over and go to sleep. And I should be able to deal with feeling all turned on and gooey. I should be able to just go to sleep and be fine. But I’m not. I’m really not. It’s horrible. I have enough difficulty falling asleep, I don’t need a throbbing clit to make it worse. And nights that we don’t play at all are just as bad. At least when he uses me I feel useful.

I don’t know why this is a problem. If anything, we’re having more sex now than we were before D/s. Am I really just jealous when he has an orgasm and I don’t? Am I clinging to this messed up idea of fairness?

But, logical or not, I don’t know what to do about it. After a day or two (sooner if he revs me up) I am a mess. I get frustrated with the kids. I snap at him (not a good idea). I just feel myself getting tense and angry and tired, all at the same time.

Let me be clear, I HATE feeling like this (shouty capitals are purposeful). I don’t want to be jealous of his sexual release. I don’t want to be stressed out just because I don’t have an orgasm for a few days. And my worst fear is that this feeling won’t go away when I finally get my depression sorted out. That this frustration will remain.

I’m just trying to balance the very good advice of ‘it is not selfish it is necessary’, with my need to submit. I don’t know how to balance my desire to follow him and make him happy, with my need for sexual gratification. If I actually had time to sew or scrapbook or something, maybe I could de-stress enough to not need the release. Maybe that’s how I fix both the emotional stress and sex stress. I need me time. The only problem with that is dishes and diapers and life.

Maybe I should ask Sir to make ‘me time’ one of my daily tasks.

The submissive queen in my head is laughing.

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14 Responses to “She Escaped”

  • ancilla ksst

    I feel the same way at times. I feel silly that I’m getting all this sex, and yet I still want more and more. He lets me masturbate, which helps some, although I still long for the full out EVERYTHING session. Is that an option?

    • Rye

      I have to ask for permission to masturbate, which he does let me do most of the time, but then I also have to ask to cum, which is rarer.

      I completely agree with Florida Dom’s post today about having sex every day, and your response to it. So if I don’t get any sexual contact at least once a day I get really testy. Even worse is if he plays with me during the day (pulls on a nipple or fingers me) and then ‘leaves me hanging’ at night. I’ve gotten so that I’ve started pulling away from him during the day to try and save myself. He’s not a fan of that.

  • Tamar

    Well, I’m the same damned way- but not nearly as graceful about it as you are. If he gets off and I don’t, I ask to “finish up” when he’s done, snag my Mystic Wand (best toy I’ve ever bought, it’s like a little cordless Hitachi!) and go to town, usually while he’s snuggled up and purring/whispering obscenities in my ear to push me over the edge. Sometimes, I’ll get 3-4 till he makes me stop. LOL

    Does he deny you when you ask? Or do you just not ask? If you don’t ask, you totes should. If he denies you, well…that’s a convo that needs to be had because that would suck if he’s denying you something you really need on a regular basis.

    What’s really cool is when he let’s me use the wand -during- sex, or the WeVibe (which we both love)- and that’ll usually get me off while he’s fucking me, which is really my preference but sometimes just doesn’t happen if he’s rushed or just using me (which is pretty hot by itself but sometimes not enough to push me over the edge if there’s not enough buildup), in which case “Please, Sir- can I finish myself off?” And then we’re both happy puddles of post-coitus goo.

    Good luck finding out what works for you, but this is totally a fixable problem!

    • Rye

      Thanks. You have no idea how nice it is to hear that I’m not completely selfish or insane. And that it’s fixable.

      I do need to ask to just finish myself more often. Usually I just get to hoping that he’ll take charge. And I don’t realize until he is snoring next to me and I’m mad at him and myself.

      Part of me really likes to masturbate with him there, he will sometimes ‘help out’ or just give me some fun dirty talk. But at the same time, I feel weird when he is right next to me, trying to sleep. Like I was an afterthought. Then I get into my own head and a whole new set of problems arise.

      • Tamar

        “I do need to ask to just finish myself more often. Usually I just get to hoping that he’ll take charge. And I don’t realize until he is snoring next to me and I’m mad at him and myself.

        Part of me really likes to masturbate with him there, he will sometimes ‘help out’ or just give me some fun dirty talk. But at the same time, I feel weird when he is right next to me, trying to sleep. Like I was an afterthought. Then I get into my own head and a whole new set of problems arise.”

        LOL I used to be JUST LIKE THAT, I swear! Then we talked about it and Q told me that he wants me to get off, loves to be the one to get me off, but quite enjoys helping me get myself off and/or just watching if he’s feeling lazy and indulgent. So I got over my self-consciousness and realized it was a total win/win there. He enjoyed the show, and I got more orgasms! (It’s totally hotter to have someone watching, too.)

        Find a toy or two you both like, have fun experimenting, hell just have fun period! Talk, plan, play together- and more orgasms is more fun for all!

        • Rye

          That is really good advice. A lot of times I have to process my thoughts on here first and figure out what I really want to talk to him about. You guys are great test subjects.

  • ancilla ksst

    “Even worse is if he plays with me during the day (pulls on a nipple or fingers me) and then ‘leaves me hanging’ at night. I’ve gotten so that I’ve started pulling away from him during the day to try and save myself. He’s not a fan of that.”

    Yes me too! He does that too often. I don’t know what the answer is except to constantly remind myself that my purpose is his pleasure, and not vice versa. Oh, and masturbating. my hitachi wand is my friend.

    • Rye

      I think I’m going to get that (my purpose is his pleasure) tattooed on my arm or something so I can remind myself. It’s a good mantra.

  • beginners mind

    Even in TPE, ya gotta get your jollies if you don’t want to end up yelling at the kids, is what I say. Sure, your purpose is his pleasure, but at some point orgasm denial becomes a real physical drag, and then that drag leaks into the mind and can fuel the jealousy and resentment and wishing-he’d-take-charge etc. Maybe think of it instead as “I need to cum more to be at my best, so I can serve best.”

    • Rye

      “I need to cum more to be at my best, so I can serve best.”

      I’m getting that tattooed on my other arm. “My purpose is his pleasure” on the right, and his on the left. Or maybe somewhere more discreet. 🙂

  • JustMe

    I have been pondering if I should reply to this as my thoughts aren’t….umm particularly submissive, I guess?

    The six year D/s relationship I was in, had a sexual control component to it.
    Let’s just say by the end of six years I hated sex, I resented him deeply and I swore I’d NEVER put myself in that position again.

    As much as it (at first) made me feel like I was being a good submissive. Constantly not having my needs met and used in the way he did, just did my head in.

    Of all the Dom’s I’ve been with, not one of them has ever considered my pleasure. Maybe that makes me a ‘bad’ submissive…but hey, I was a very sexual person, I wanted to get off as well. LOL

    I know not all Dom’s are like that, just the ones I’ve been with.

    When I read your post all I could think was UGH, speak to him if you can and see if the boundaries can be changed.

    Btw, I have bi polar. So even when I come out of a bad period I was still resentful of him.

    • Rye

      I am sorry that you have had a string of bad experiences. I hope you find a partner that understands and values our needs.

      Thank you for your advice. Talking is a must. I just have to learn to get out of my own head so I don’t hide things from him. He can’t fix it if he doesn’t know it’s an issue.

  • kelly

    I just ran across your blog and I can relate. I am property and experience many of the same thoughts and feelings you describe. My inner dialogue shifts in its level of acceptance and negativity (sometimes by the moment) and I wish I could find a better way to remain in acceptance longer.

    I am happy, I am in love and I am fulfilled existentially…. AND I wish my sex life was tilted just a little more in my direction..

    • Rye

      Me too. Welcome to my neck of the woods. Thanks for reading and thanks for your thoughts.

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