Monday night I had this dream. It’s like Titanic. Water is coming from everywhere and I am running up the stairs. But every time I make it to the top step water comes in and pushes me down. Then the whole thing starts over on a different floor. Always on the top step.
I woke up completely freaked out. Trapped. My last counselor tried to get me into breaking down my dreams. So, I’m laying there in bed and all that keeps pounding in my head is that this dream is telling me that I’m drowning. That all attempts I am making to better my life aren’t working and I am really just killing myself.
Needless to say that I didn’t sleep for the rest of night. And yesterday was awful. I spent all morning trying to make sense of my life and our future goals. Nothing worked, so eventually I found myself calling Sir at work, balling uncontrolably.
He’s worried about me. My depression slumps are worsening. I can’t pull myself out of them like I used to either. Just life stressors and being overwhelmed by everything. I used to be really good at this.
So, after calming down and looking at new counselor and medication options, I am in a better place. Not a great place, but better.
Family goals for next year include buying a house, getting Sir’s business up and running, getting the toddler ready for preschool. But right now I need to focus on goals to fix me. And I hate that. I hate attention on myself when I have a family to take care of. Like I’m shirking my responsibilities or something.
But as much as I hate it, I need to get my goals sorted, or I will just hold everything else back.
And it’s weird, but the kink is fine. I am my true happy self when I kneel for him. Now I just need to get that mindset all the time.