Chasing Me Chasing You

An uncollared submissive struggling through depression, motherhood, and the constant craving of her next orgasm.

Throw me a raft

Monday night I had this dream. It’s like Titanic. Water is coming from everywhere and I am running up the stairs. But every time I make it to the top step water comes in and pushes me down. Then the whole thing starts over on a different floor. Always on the top step.

I woke up completely freaked out. Trapped. My last counselor tried to get me into breaking down my dreams. So, I’m laying there in bed and all that keeps pounding in my head is that this dream is telling me that I’m drowning. That all attempts I am making to better my life aren’t working and I am really just killing myself.

Needless to say that I didn’t sleep for the rest of night. And yesterday was awful. I spent all morning trying to make sense of my life and our future goals. Nothing worked, so eventually I found myself calling Sir at work, balling uncontrolably.

He’s worried about me. My depression slumps are worsening. I can’t pull myself out of them like I used to either. Just life stressors and being overwhelmed by everything. I used to be really good at this.

So, after calming down and looking at new counselor and medication options, I am in a better place. Not a great place, but better.

Family goals for next year include buying a house, getting Sir’s business up and running, getting the toddler ready for preschool. But right now I need to focus on goals to fix me. And I hate that. I hate attention on myself when I have a family to take care of. Like I’m shirking my responsibilities or something.

But as much as I hate it, I need to get my goals sorted, or I will just hold everything else back.

And it’s weird, but the kink is fine. I am my true happy self when I kneel for him. Now I just need to get that mindset all the time.

Wicked Wednesday

8 Responses to “Throw me a raft”

  • Marie Rebelle

    Stress is one of the meanest things there are, I have discovered. I am so sorry to hear that your depression is getting worse, but with the help of your Sir and focusing on what YOU need, you will get there. But, I know it won’t be easy… wishing you all the strength you need!

    Rebel xox

    • Rye

      Thanks. The support from everyone has been great and it makes all the difference. Yesterday was really bad, but today is better and hopefully that upswing will continue. I don’t think I was being honest with myself or Sir. Now that we are both on the same page things already seem much simpler. Thanks again for your support. Goals are wonderful things.

  • Modesty Ablaze

    Sending you all of my best wishes for achieving all you seek. Sometimes we all need the different things (the “kinks”) to make the normal things pass by more easily.
    Xxx – K

    • Rye

      Thanks. It’s weird to me that the kinks are the good things and the ‘normal things’ are the rough bits. Life is weird sometimes.

  • Molly

    I think being stressed is such an inhibitor to functioning well on so many levels but what you really need to focus on is that unless your care for yourself well then you will be of no use to those who need you. It is not selfish it is necessary

    Mollyxxx

    • Rye

      Very true. It’s not selfish, I just forget that sometimes.

  • Velvet Rose

    I know stressors so well and from my many years of experience of dealing with them and my depression. I know that the only way to be able to be useful to others who depend upon you is to ensure that you take care of YOU.

    Depression is not a sign of weakness, it is a sign that you have been strong for too long.

    Hugs

    Velvet x

    • Rye

      I really like that saying. Thanks for your support and good luck in your struggle as well.

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