Sorry for the massive of emotions that was my Twitter feed last night. All I can say is that it was even messier than it sounded.
We had decided to talk about our dry spell and various other issues last night. He went first and after about twenty minutes I was having trouble breathing. It sounded like he wanted to walk away from D/s entirely. I knew that we needed to talk about the difference in our sex drives but I didn’t realize how serious he considered this conversation.
He decided to order pizza as I hadn’t planned anything more glamorous for dinner. I held it together until he left the house but then I cracked almost immediately. Would I have to take off my collar? Could I really keep wearing it if we weren’t in this type of relationship anymore? Could I go back to the woman I was before BDSM, did she even exist anymore? And if not, what would become of our relationship and our marriage? Could I be happy without the one thing I have found that makes me whole? I started shaking and had to go upstairs. The three-year-old has gotten very perceptive and if he asked me why I was sad I knew I would really break down.
I put myself back together before he got home but he knew I had been crying. I ate dinner in silence and tried to avoid eye contact as I knew I wouldn’t be able to get through it. After dinner the kids seemed comfortable in the living room with toys and cartoons so we muddled through what would be done. I told him I was scared and I didn’t know where to go from here. He said he didn’t want to give up he just needed to find a better way to get there. Part of me breathed a sigh of relief but I also knew it was going to be a long night of figuring out what would work.
He wants me to be happy and he wants to hurt me. I think he continuously struggles with how to balance those two things. When he wants to support me and hug me he doesn’t feel dominant. I tried to explain that he could be both, that we could make both work. I think it will just take time for us to find a synergy between us. As much as it feels like we have been doing this for a long time it has hardly been a year since we have seriously discussed this type of relationship. And BDSM has continuously been a part of our lives for only the last eight months. We are still learning how are kinks can work together. That isn’t as easy as we thought it would be. But at least we know that we are both willing to work on it. I think that is what scared me about yesterday. I thought he was giving up without any warning.
After we got the kids to bed we talked a lot more and were able to connect intimately like we hadn’t been a while. I think by the time we fell asleep we both realized how much we want this and the benefits of making it work.
This morning things are much better. Like they used to be. We snuggled in bed before a toddler and a dog jumped on us, we ate breakfast and groped each other in the kitchen. We have hope that this will benefit as much as it will take work. The phrase nothing that is worth it comes easy has never been more true for me. But as scary as last night was for me it shows our commitment to what can be a huge benefit to our marriage and our life together. This experience will make us better as individuals and as a couple and that is worth the tough times as well as the eventual benefit.
Sorry for the rambling this morning there is a lot still rolling around in my head. It will take me a day or two to truly make sense of everything that happened and why I got scared and panic as I did. But the support of those on Twitter answer who helped me make sense of some of my fear is appreciated more than you know. I just hope I don’t have to lean on you like that very often.