I have never had an Ah Ha moment before. I thought it would come from reading some great text or even possibly a hit on the head with a frying pan or something. Though considering how often the kids hit me with things I should have ruled that out a long time ago. So when it happened last night, while writing in my journal, I was completely unprepared.
I was writing about our day. Pretty bland stuff. We went to the zoo, I avoided the pile of dishes, washed Sir’s dress shirts; blah pretty much covers it. But then Sir asked me a question and I looked up, but I kept writing. When I looked back down and reread what I had written I was floored. One sentence that made everything I was feeling and struggling with make perfect sense.
This lack of employment has taken it’s toll. Without a regular job I was trying to find ways to cope. And I turned to Sir, I put everything on him. I made him my boss. And all the expectations that I have for a boss came with that label.
Ok, so now I have to back up. I was raised by a woman who has her shit together. She is has been at the top of her field as long as I have been walking. Her management skills and organization are unparalleled as far as I am concerned. Everyone has a blind spot when it comes to their parents, but my regard for my mother and her professionalism is justified. I used to go to work with her on days off school and I was awed by her decision making skills. Her motivation of her staff, and her commitment to her job. It’s something I have always aspired to. Likewise, I have always expected similar traits and commitment in those I work for. And this has created a problem.
I looked back over my work history and no boss has ever come close. I need strong leadership to flourish. I need a dominant to guide me, even in my career. So when I realized that I was projecting the idea of a boss onto Sir, so much became clear.
But clarity isn’t always a solution. That, I fear, is going to take more time. Sir and I talked about it a lot last night. He hasn’t decided how to proceed. We can try and use this realization to our advantage, or he and I can try and change how this is working. Either way, I am taking this as a good thing. Realizations like this can only help us. Can help me to sort through all this and make less of a mess of it.
All I need are about twelve more of these and we’ll be good to go.