Just a bad day generally. Sir didn’t sleep last night, the toddler has been having a rough few days, and I am feeling ignored. All three boys are fighting this cough/head cold thing. It’s just been a weird week as a whole.
I feel terrible putting that all on him. His stress makes him retreat and then I get lonely. I should be able to stand firm and handle his bad days with grace. If I was stronger, maybe that would help him get through those days faster. But just try to push through with sex. As long as he uses me sexually, I know that he is ok and I am still doing a good job. But when he pulls away from me there too, I get really lost.
While he was reading the boys a story last night I shaved. And I mean, I used a mirror, a brand new blade, pulled myself open shaved. I’m not sure I’ve ever been so smooth. It did make me want to get waxed though, as I want to be that smooth all the time. But I wanted to be perfect for him. So when he came to bed, played his game, and then went to sleep, I was crushed. It’s odd to me to how much his touch or lack thereof affects me. And part of me hates that. I need to be stronger.
But for today I am just grumpy. Personal growth will have to wait on my second cup of coffee. There are too many things on the list for reflection right now. Maybe on the drive to my parents this weekend I can turn up the radio and sing it out. We’ll see how many songs I get through before the toddler yells at me to turn it off.