Chasing Me Chasing You

An uncollared submissive struggling through depression, motherhood, and the constant craving of her next orgasm.

Trial and Error

So last night I am worshipping cock. Always a pleasant experience. Sir always says that having his cock in my mouth is never not an opportunity to impress him. It is a challenge that I accept wholeheartedly.

Then the baby started to cry. It used to be a real buzzkill, but we’ve learned to adapt. I got up from the bed and went to his room to check on him. He’s been teething lately and having a rough time, but he calmed down quickly and was almost asleep before I left the room.

When I returned to continue my task Sir told me that I would be licking his taint instead. He was jerking off and moaning in minutes. He told me that I would be rimming him in no time. That that was where a slave belonged. And that I should be happy to be offered the opportunity to please him in this way. It was my job to tell him when I was ready to take this step. I continued licking his taint and sucking on his balls, eventually finishing him off with my mouth. We laid on the bed for a few minutes, just letting him to enjoy his orgasm.

Am I pushing you too fast?

It was an honest question that I didn’t immediately have an answer for. We have been trying a lot of new things lately. He has definitely been pushing me. But isn’t that the point? That’s what I signed up for. I can’t blame him that this is the interstate part of the journey.

Kink is a lifestyle choice. And taking on a new lifestyle takes time to fit into every part of your life. Our occasional D/s in the bedroom moved to a full TPE Master/slave dynamic very quickly. But we knew what we wanted/needed from each other; why pussyfoot around it?

Vanilla couples think that trying a new position is a real step out of their comfort zone. But it’s still penis in vagina at the end of the day. Kink opens up a whole new dimension of activities and options. It’s like going from a 2D painting to a 3D world. We are looking at some really emotional and physically straining concepts, and it requires a lot of experimentation to find out how different facets of BDSM fit into our lives and our personal desires. These experiments can generally yield three possible outcomes.

Outcome #1 – Both of us find it unappealing. We try an activity/toy/position and neither of us get anything amazing from it. This has happened a few times. It has also happened that one person didn’t mind it, but the other had such a difficult time that it wasn’t worth repeating. Micromanagement has been like this for us. I really didn’t mind the idea of constantly reporting to him, but he hated it. We really had to fine tune this to make it work for lives. But the general practice of dominance through complete micromanagement was quickly nixed.

Outcome #2 – Easily the most common outcome; this would occur when one of us loves an activity and the other doesn’t. I am completely obsessed with rope bondage. It turns me on and makes me feel powerless. I’m just a rope covered puddle. But Sir isn’t a huge fan. I think he will work on it to please me, but it’s a lot of work and focus for him. It takes a lot of set up time, and with two kids in the mix, time to play is precious. On the other hand, he is a huge fan of high impact scenes. I am not a masochist, so studded belts and extreme pain are not close to fun for me. I try to take as much as I can for him, but I usually end up safe wording and feeling like I disappointed him because I had to stop before he wanted to. He has learned to work with me and balance his intensity and I have learned to forgive myself for not being able to take all he wants to give.

Of course, if he likes it and I don’t, it will inevitably be used as a punishment at some point. But he wouldn’t know the activities that push my buttons like that if we didn’t try lots of things.

Outcome #3 – Both of us find the activity pleasurable. We each get something out of it and both want to add it to our kink. My new favorite example of this is our recent adventures with water sports. However, this is the rarest of all the outcomes. He is a sadist and I am physical control submissive, so our kinks don’t automatically mesh. We work hard to find those connections, and when we find one, we recognize it’s importance. The bulk of our attempts will need fine tuning and adaptation to work perfectly. It’s rare that we are both satisfied the first time we try something. But we have learned to take the best parts of it and mold it to work for us.

I think it feels like both of us are running a marathon right now. We don’t get to play every night because of the kids, and when we do play, we are almost always trying something new. I can’t speak for Sir, but it’s an overwhelming amount of information for me to process. Never mind the fact that I have the kids, work, and a house to run. But I don’t think that I am the only one. Most of the couples in TPE relationships have had to deal with these issues. This learning curve is something that I imagine most kink couples go through, and I doubt our rate of testing is that far off from the norm. I don’t want it to seem like I am complaining about it. And at the same time, a night of tried and true kinks is always welcome. Hell, getting the chance to make Sir comfortable and relaxed after putting the kids to bed is not always guaranteed.

We want to get to a point in our relationship where we have a routine. Get through the bulk of our experimenting and just be the Master and slave that we want to be together. I’m sure there will always be pushing. New things that we find or decide to try. A new toy here or there. But the general aspects of our kink would be defined. He would know all my limits and the perfect ways to push my buttons when I’m good and make me cry when I’m not. Though, now that I think about it, I am always good, so he can just focus on the reward part.

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