Chasing Me Chasing You

An uncollared submissive struggling through depression, motherhood, and the constant craving of her next orgasm.

Vanilla Days

I used to think that there were vanilla days. Days when he wasn’t dominant (to my standards) or we didn’t have any kind of sexual contact for whatever reason. Even reading that last sentence I shake my head now. Having those rigid standards and expectations of what I thought his dominance would be was a huge problem. I set myself up to always be disappointed and him to always be confused. Sometimes I wish I could go back and smack my past self in the back of the head. But this journey is all about growth. And I had a lot of growing to do.

Now, I have learned that vanilla days don’t exist. I never wanted them to, and I was just too blind to realize their disappearance. His dominance has permeated my daily activities, even though most are not sexual in nature. Every task, even my paid job work has his needs in mind. And that is really calming.

When we started D/s it was a bedroom activity only. Through the last few months we have ventured out and my play collar was replaced with a day collar. Aside from my trip to England in February (a very difficult two weeks for me), my collar hasn’t been off in almost a year. And slowly, we are making this lifestyle our lifestyle. But it can’t always be the spankings and rough sex that we both enjoy. We have jobs and responsibilities, but more important in this case, we have kids. We cannot always indulge in our wants and needs because we have two other people that we need to care for. With our infant teething and being up all night, it’s hard to get into a sexy mindset. But that certainly doesn’t mean I don’t feel Sir’s hand on the back of my neck in everything I do.

So a day like today used to be vanilla. We slept late and it’s cold today. I have a stack of work to do and a grocery run this afternoon. Pretty blah by most standards. But, now I know that he cares. He wants to know that I am working hard for him and taking care of our house and our family. He expects that from me; and I thrive on that expectation. It’s weird that my expectations of him hurt our growth, but his expectations of me are helping me. Kink is weird; that’s all I’ve got.

And no more vanilla days.

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