Things I wish I didn’t feel…
I wish I didn’t want you to pay more attention to me. I know that you have a lot going on. I can’t be your focus all the time. You have stress and work and so much to do. I feel so selfish that I am looking out for my happiness and not making your life better.
I wish I wasn’t a romantic. Not like flowers and candy. I hate flowers. But a thought. I clean your house, manage our lives, wrangle our kids. And I hate that I want to be appreciated for that. That I want to be recognized like a six year old and get a present every time I turn around.
I don’t want to feel hurt. I know you don’t mean to hurt me. And I am not trying to rub it in your face. Trust me, feeling this way isn’t fun for me.
I just don’t feel like a sub. I want to be able to want things. I feel like I am always trying to be there for you, but I still want things. I don’t know how to let that go. I don’t know how to let myself just be yours when you don’t have time to take all of me. I can’t shut it on and off, I wish I could.
I wish I didn’t compare myself to others. But I always do. These subs that cherish their Dom/me and are so grateful for every little thing that they are given. I want to be that. I want you to be able to say ‘no’ and me not fall apart. I mean, what kind of sub am I if I can’t hear the word ‘no’. I don’t know how to deal with that. How to grow. We just don’t have the time to train. You come home from work tired and grumpy. Bedtime for the kids can take twenty minutes or two hours; so any intimate time is limited. But I want to rub your feet and suck your cock and be glad for the opportunity. I want you to be able to do things for you and me not be jealous. To take care of the kids while you play your games and know that doing that for you is what you want. And not get so frustrated and annoyed.
I wish I didn’t feel like a bad person for wanting things in my life. But at the same time I wish I didn’t want to want things.
I just wish I was better.
Sorry about the rambling. I’m glad it’s Friday; I need the weekend.