Chasing Me Chasing You

An uncollared submissive struggling through depression, motherhood, and the constant craving of her next orgasm.

Evaluations

I chose to write this blog as a way for me to work through the process of becoming the submissive (now slave) that Sir wants me to be. I have found throughout my life that I can write my feelings much easier than I can express them verbally most of the time. Whenever I am struggling with an emotion that I cannot quite pin down I always find writing helps, even if it starts as babbling.

Sir has been supportive of this outlet for me, but I also need to talk to him. I know it really bugs him when he learns that I am struggling with something when he reads it here rather than me talking to him first. I’m sure that’s where the ‘you can’t know anything I don’t know’ rule came from. And I appreciate that he wants to know how I am doing.

But as a submissive I wrestle with this. How do you evaluate your Dom’s performance and share your feelings while still being a respectful slave? In our case, he is learning too. It won’t always be perfect, we both know that. But I get punished when I mess up to help me grow and learn. Needless to say, I cannot punish him. But I do need him to understand how certain things that he does have an emotional effect. He doesn’t want to break me just yet (at least I hope not).

We are both just trying to find the best way to keep everything honest and open while still being respectful. I don’t want to seem like I’m whining because I’m not getting everything that I want. But how much of not getting what I want is just part of being a sub and when does it become a problem? Unsatisfied does not necessarily mean unhappy, but where is the line? When do I need to stand up and say ‘okay, that’s too much’? I don’t mean safewording in a scene. I mean after the aftercare (or lack thereof), when I finally reflect on what I am feeling and attempt to put it into words. When I feel ignored or dehumanized or unloved. And I know what you’re thinking, that all those things are just part of D/s sometimes. And that is my problem. When does it cross the line from ‘suck it up, buttercup’ to being a consent/abuse issue? I know that Sir would never want to push that line on purpose, he loves me and wants this to be fulfilling and satisfying for both of us. So I hate the idea of getting worked up about something if I should just be accepting the experience as it is.

I know that we will eventually lose the need for this. Once we get everything settled in our dynamic and work through all these bumps, these types of conversations will fade. But right now they are hard for me to work though. I get very emotional when I try to tell him what I want. I just feel immediately guilty and whiny when I critique a scene or emotion from the night before. But I know that if some things continue I would begin to get emotionally beaten down. The results of which neither of us want.

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10 Responses to “Evaluations”

  • Dubs

    You can’t out-write or out-talk time. You’re young. Youthful exuberance, often manifest as frustration, or simple youthful expectations of getting this or that sorted all fade with time.

    Most of time, pun intended, ‘muddling through’, in itself, is a glorious thing!

    Consider the alternative!

    • Rye

      Very much so. It’s not an easy process, but I know it will end up making everything better in the end. And it won’t last forever.

  • ancilla ksst

    My Master went to a workshop last year (the billing said Masters only so I didn’t go, I went to another class held at the same time nearby) and he picked up some things there. One of them was about making rituals, and he came up with a daily one where I’m supposed to give him feedback. He also gives me feedback. It started out more elaborate, but now it is shortened up most times unless there is something we need to talk about. He knows he’s not always going to be perfect. I take this seriously as not a time for minor complaints or bitches, but if there is anything he’s done that I think negatively impacted my abilities or slavish mindset, or just in general I felt was bad for me, I’m supposed to bring it up. I think it has been like 7 months since I had anything at all to say about how he was doing.

    As to what you are saying about feeling “ignored or dehumanized or unloved” that is absolutely part of our dynamic, except for the unloved part. He always wants me to feel loved even when he’s ignoring or dehumanizing me. But I see where there is a point when it gets to be a bit too much. I think tolerating that too much feeling comes with practice, but in the meantime, what about asking for extra cuddles afterward? When he’s done something that feels dehumanizing, and you’re a bit low, ask for extra hugs because you want to feel loved and safe again? Would that be ok with him? I think your tolerance for those things will build up if you always have that loved and safe place to come back to with him.

    I also think you are doing the right thing by telling him your feelings. Especially if you can do it without expectation that he must change things based on that. That he always has the option to say “Suck it up” and you will figure out a way to do that. At least that was important to me, to feel that I was giving him the information he needs to make a decision, and all the windows into my mind that he needed, not that I was trying to tell him what to do.

    • Rye

      I think that may help. We have been working on our definitions of aftercare. I don’t mind the sleeping on the floor thing, but it does make aftercare difficult. I think that is the biggest thing I have noticed.

      I like the feedback idea. We have had that suggested from others and are working out a way to do it. This morning we sat down and talked for about twenty minutes and that was a huge help. He could feel something was wrong and we were able to make a lot of it make sense.

      I don’t mind being a hole, as long as I am a loved hole. I think maybe I just need more aftercare, or a different type of aftercare. I wish I could tell him exactly what I needed when I needed it.

      Obviously I still have a lot of growing to do.

      Thank you for your kind response. Your viewpoint is always appreciated.

  • Simina

    I wasn’t thinking this. That’s not intentionally part of my dynamic. Ignored happens more frequently than I’d like, but far less than my first relationship.

    My issue is not being able to say much not because of disrespect but because I always know what answer I’m gonna get. I mean, how do you lodge complaints, no matter how valid to a man who is dealing with injury, medical bills, being overworked, finding out about a new kid.

    I complain, but I always get back “I was exhausted” or “I was hurting real bad.” What do you say to that besides nothing? It is super frustrating.

    • Rye

      There is definitely an element of that in there too. He comes home from a ten hour work day and it’s hard to complain about the kids, much less our relationship. And I understand that when you get those responses (excuses) back, what are you supposed to say? I just want him to know where I am emotionally and mentally. I get that he has a lot on his plate, but excuses like that bug me. You aren’t trying to put him down necessarily, so you are trying to help him be better.

  • Simina

    There was supposed to be a quote from your post in that, but apparently I fail at html tags.

    • Rye

      No worries. I do that all the time.

  • Midas

    I have a evaluation ritual for scenes the day after too. One thing working realy well for us is, I ask for feedback in writing, giving her time to structure her thoughts and feelings. I just take it in, regardless of the content. Waiting till the evening (for possible emotions to fade off) to possibly discuss. In my opinion feedback is her perception, helping me to further sharpen how I can dominate her and steer her.

    You mention feeling guilty to critique a scene, that would be first focal point in my opinion. Which fear is below that guilt ? Dont feel obliged to answer this question. It just my 2cts.

    • Rye

      I like the written feedback. I would always feel more comfortable sharing my feelings in print. I guess I feel like I can get my point across better. Clearer somehow.

      Your question will need some reflection. Or at least some admission by myself of the truth. I see a post coming. I blame you. 🙂

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