I chose to write this blog as a way for me to work through the process of becoming the submissive (now slave) that Sir wants me to be. I have found throughout my life that I can write my feelings much easier than I can express them verbally most of the time. Whenever I am struggling with an emotion that I cannot quite pin down I always find writing helps, even if it starts as babbling.
Sir has been supportive of this outlet for me, but I also need to talk to him. I know it really bugs him when he learns that I am struggling with something when he reads it here rather than me talking to him first. I’m sure that’s where the ‘you can’t know anything I don’t know’ rule came from. And I appreciate that he wants to know how I am doing.
But as a submissive I wrestle with this. How do you evaluate your Dom’s performance and share your feelings while still being a respectful slave? In our case, he is learning too. It won’t always be perfect, we both know that. But I get punished when I mess up to help me grow and learn. Needless to say, I cannot punish him. But I do need him to understand how certain things that he does have an emotional effect. He doesn’t want to break me just yet (at least I hope not).
We are both just trying to find the best way to keep everything honest and open while still being respectful. I don’t want to seem like I’m whining because I’m not getting everything that I want. But how much of not getting what I want is just part of being a sub and when does it become a problem? Unsatisfied does not necessarily mean unhappy, but where is the line? When do I need to stand up and say ‘okay, that’s too much’? I don’t mean safewording in a scene. I mean after the aftercare (or lack thereof), when I finally reflect on what I am feeling and attempt to put it into words. When I feel ignored or dehumanized or unloved. And I know what you’re thinking, that all those things are just part of D/s sometimes. And that is my problem. When does it cross the line from ‘suck it up, buttercup’ to being a consent/abuse issue? I know that Sir would never want to push that line on purpose, he loves me and wants this to be fulfilling and satisfying for both of us. So I hate the idea of getting worked up about something if I should just be accepting the experience as it is.
I know that we will eventually lose the need for this. Once we get everything settled in our dynamic and work through all these bumps, these types of conversations will fade. But right now they are hard for me to work though. I get very emotional when I try to tell him what I want. I just feel immediately guilty and whiny when I critique a scene or emotion from the night before. But I know that if some things continue I would begin to get emotionally beaten down. The results of which neither of us want.