Chasing Me Chasing You

An uncollared submissive struggling through depression, motherhood, and the constant craving of her next orgasm.

Killing Expectations

Sir is a big Frank Herbert fan, so I managed to struggle through the first Dune book a few years ago. I could see really getting into it, if science fiction is your thing. Very much along the line of the grand scale of Game of Thrones. The intrigue, the entrenched family lines, the acceptance of murder as part of daily life. Definitely a world you can get lost in. And the concept of “fear is the mind-killer” stayed with me. The idea that your fears can control your life and your progress has been something that I have personally battled. I am a worrier; always have been. So I can get wrapped up in fears, some of them completely illogical, and miss out on some great things. Facing fears and working through them help us to grow as people. But you can say that as much as you like, it doesn’t necessarily make it easier.

However, through my growing experience as a submissive I have found a larger mountain to climb than my fear of spiders. For me, expectations are the mind-killer.

I like to think that I am not the only sub/slave/little that struggles with this. Everyone has expectations of relationships and what will make them happy and fulfilled. When those expectations start to be a hinderance on that happiness, that’s when problems arise. Although I do hope that it is a temporary issue. After years I’m sure Sir will succeed in stamping it all out.

I guess I just still have a problem with my own desires. I think I am selfishly putting my own needs/wants before Sir’s (See my previous post on Selfish Sex). It’s not how I want to be. I want to put him first in everything. But that’s not something that comes naturally to me. Parts of it are easy. I can serve him dinner and make his lunch. But I expect his dominance throughout the day and especially at night. The chance to let go has become so centered around him. If I don’t get that chance to please him, then I don’t feel like I deserve to be pleased. I think it leaves me feeling off. Not quite depressed, but just down in a sense of not feeling like I’m living up to his expectations or my own as his property.

I am still working through my issues with my sex drive too. Though lately I have felt an odd drop in my libedo that I am not happy about. I have found that sexual frustration and denial can have serious health and mood ramifications for me. Obviously something that I need to deal with as Sir is constantly threatening a chastity belt. But I have attached an expectation to sex. Like if I complete all my tasks during the day and don’t fuck up, then I should get sex. If he is tired or the kids won’t go to sleep I find myself getting inexcusably cranky. My own expectations catch me up.

Then there are times when we are both tired and sex is just off the table. The next day it’s hard to feel his dominance while he’s at work. I lose a connection with him; and I hate that. It’s not that our connection is only established through sex, but it is a great reset button for us.

I’m sure time will tell how Sir will help me to correct this. It’s not a matter of if, but of how much my mind will fight him in his training. Although, I guess that in itself is an expectation.

Well, crap.

 

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4 Responses to “Killing Expectations”

  • ancilla ksst

    This is very much like how I felt. It will get better, though, at least from my experience it did. I had some mantras to say when I’d start to feel lost or frustrated.

    • Rye

      That is very encouraging. A lot of the blogs I read are of people in established dynamics (yours included). So I think this hurdle of expectations is already gone. I know as we get settled in it will change and hopefully go away. But I’m glad I’m not the only slave to fight back, even unwittingly.

  • Midas

    My 2 Dom cents. Toss um if they make no sense. And we have similar hurdles in our ‘young’ dynamic. You are not alone in that respect indeed.

    Expectations often are a result of beliefs. If you dont get what you expect you have not done well for example. Batteling expectations to me starts with filtering out the beliefs that cause them and discussing and looking at those … then most of the time the underlying fears will surface. Not saying that its a piece of cake. It can be hard work…

    • Rye

      You were right on. Last night we really hashed a lot out. It’s weird to me that expectations are so closely linked to fear.

      Definitely hard work, but so worth it.

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