I hate labels. My brother has learning disabilities and he was always defined by the various labels that were given to him. He was never allowed to just be a boy outside of our house. My parents would fight with the schools and his doctors to keep them from adding more labels to his file, because they knew that he would never be able to escape them.
Obviously a label that you give yourself is different. But I hate the idea that I am forced to give myself a label to clarify my life for someone else. Especially when I have to pick one or two words.
Fetlife has you chose one word to describe yourself and your dynamic. Right now I’m a submissive. It’s the most generic term for what I am. But I hate having to fit my kinks into a one word descriptor. As our dynamic as evolved, I have worked in and out of several terms.
Domme (a very short period, trust me)
Fuckpuppet (Sir’s term, not a real Fetlife option)
And after a very intense and emotional conversation with Sir last night, I’ve realized that I am also a little. He’s not a Daddy and we don’t engage in ageplay, but I still connect with the little mindset in a lot of ways. And I didn’t even realize it until last night.
So what do I call myself? Sir calls me ‘slave’, which is actually the term in the above list that I struggle with the most. Mentally I’m not there yet, but that is the general basis of our dynamic now. I call myself a submissive to the kink community, but it feels like that limits me in some ways. People make assumptions about me and my relationship with Sir because I call myself a submissive and not a slave. I don’t call him Master (that may soon change), so some question our 24/7 dynamic. People pick apart our labels because they haven’t stayed constant. But we are evolving as our kinks change and settling into what we both want and need from BDSM.
There are a lot of people that entered the kinky lifestyle and fell right into their roles. Sir and I have taken a more convoluted route to get here. And I have found a few others who have gone through several stages in their journey. So I don’t feel too guilty buy attaching myself to more than one kinky subgroup. But I still find myself having to explain when someone asks. When I say I am a sub in 24/7 TPE relationship it doesn’t feel right. I am also a slave, who is sometimes a little, a slut, a pet, and very occasionally, a brat. By then the conversation has moved on and I feel like I’ve been typecast. Like when I say I am a mom and having someone assume that I am a helicopter mom who smothers her kids (I am the exact opposite of that, just to clarify).
There just isn’t quite a one word answer out there to clearly explain me. But one of the first things as you socialize in the community is to identify what you are. Most people don’t judge, but they do want to know. And standing there for ten minutes while I give a run down of how I broadly define myself isn’t fun for them.
At some point I am sure I will settle on a term. Maybe I will make one up that covers everything. Until then I am kinky and very proud to be so. I’m happy to talk about Sir and my dynamic and how we make it work through all our various kinks and hurdles. But don’t make me label myself to fit into a predetermined box that you understand.