Chasing Me Chasing You

An uncollared submissive struggling through depression, motherhood, and the constant craving of her next orgasm.

Label Me Not

I hate labels. My brother has learning disabilities and he was always defined by the various labels that were given to him. He was never allowed to just be a boy outside of our house. My parents would fight with the schools and his doctors to keep them from adding more labels to his file, because they knew that he would never be able to escape them.

Obviously a label that you give yourself is different. But I hate the idea that I am forced to give myself a label to clarify my life for someone else. Especially when I have to pick one or two words.

Fetlife has you chose one word to describe yourself and your dynamic. Right now I’m a submissive. It’s the most generic term for what I am. But I hate having to fit my kinks into a one word descriptor. As our dynamic as evolved, I have worked in and out of several terms.

Domme (a very short period, trust me)

Switch

Submissive

Slave

Hole

Bottom

Slut

Pet

Brat

Fuckpuppet (Sir’s term, not a real Fetlife option)

And after a very intense and emotional conversation with Sir last night, I’ve realized that I am also a little. He’s not a Daddy and we don’t engage in ageplay, but I still connect with the little mindset in a lot of ways. And I didn’t even realize it until last night.

So what do I call myself? Sir calls me ‘slave’, which is actually the term in the above list that I struggle with the most. Mentally I’m not there yet, but that is the general basis of our dynamic now. I call myself a submissive to the kink community, but it feels like that limits me in some ways. People make assumptions about me and my relationship with Sir because I call myself a submissive and not a slave. I don’t call him Master (that may soon change), so some question our 24/7 dynamic. People pick apart our labels because they haven’t stayed constant. But we are evolving as our kinks change and settling into what we both want and need from BDSM.

There are a lot of people that entered the kinky lifestyle and fell right into their roles. Sir and I have taken a more convoluted route to get here. And I have found a few others who have gone through several stages in their journey. So I don’t feel too guilty buy attaching myself to more than one kinky subgroup. But I still find myself having to explain when someone asks. When I say I am a sub in 24/7 TPE relationship it doesn’t feel right. I am also a slave, who is sometimes a little, a slut, a pet, and very occasionally, a brat. By then the conversation has moved on and I feel like I’ve been typecast. Like when I say I am a mom and having someone assume that I am a helicopter mom who smothers her kids (I am the exact opposite of that, just to clarify).

There just isn’t quite a one word answer out there to clearly explain me. But one of the first things as you socialize in the community is to identify what you are. Most people don’t judge, but they do want to know. And standing there for ten minutes while I give a run down of how I broadly define myself isn’t fun for them.

At some point I am sure I will settle on a term. Maybe I will make one up that covers everything. Until then I am kinky and very proud to be so. I’m happy to talk about Sir and my dynamic and how we make it work through all our various kinks and hurdles. But don’t make me label myself to fit into a predetermined box that you understand.

Wicked Wednesday

14 Responses to “Label Me Not”

  • tori

    Labels have their uses, however i dont place much importance on them as i used to, im just as ok with referring to myself as a slave as i am submissive, bitch or slut lol

    I think whats important to remember is even if one takes the label slave, what it means to one person, what it represents etc could mean something very different to another….its what it means to you both that matters….to be honest my idea of being a slave, what it means etc differs from my Master’s view!

    • Rye

      I’m sure my definition will continue to change, but will still be different from Sir’s. I guess as long as I still tow the line, he won’t care.

  • Dubs

    Labels are just shorthand place markers for something we call identity. An identity others give us or we assume, and most of the time we never take the time to figure out what the shorthand stands for – and how incomplete or misguided it is. It’s been going on since the dawn of time. Our parents put a label – a name – on us the moment (or before) we exit the womb. Here’s an exercise, try thinking of yourself by another name. Carla’s now Samantha. Mike’s a Robert. It’s discombobulating. Try it.

    Then, if you know someone else by your “name”, think of yourself as them. But that doesn’t work either. My ‘Samantha-ness’ is different from her ‘Samantha-ness’.

    If one spends some time reading Indian mysticism, you’ll end up ‘understanding’ that the only label that fits is consciousness. (And that might be in question too!!) I think I’m conscious, I can only infer he is. But I’m never quite sure…. Beyond that labels are meaningless.

    • Rye

      I agree. I’m not sure why people put so much stock in labels, but they are everywhere. I hate them, but there are places where they are required, whether I like it or not.

      I like identity. No two people are the same. I just don’t like fitting into a label that other’s share and people assuming that I am just like them. I’m not the same type of submissive as someone else. Just like if two people are names Chris, that doesn’t mean that they are the same person.

      • Dubs

        One of the biggest shortcomings of the BDSM world, or any sector of humanity, are labels. Everyone has their personal definition or ‘understanding’ of what this or that term means. Then they try to reenact their understanding of that term in their personal lives. Lives which differ slightly or greatly from the next. Comparisons between slaves, Serbs, or San Diegoans (sp?) inevitable happen. Then the tut-tutting begins, or worse, the verbal barbs fly. On a larger, global scale, weapons are deployed.

        So, in a sense, labels are just a measure of comparing oneself with another. I’m Richard or Susan and I’m ………fill in the blank.

        Very few step back and realize they’re simply trying to live up to or back away from a term – which is purely a mental construct. It has no basis in reality – whatever ‘reality’ means – because it’s an ideal. Even their own names and initial “identities” are ‘learned’ from their parents.

        Simply *being* is very, very hard for most people. Most fall prey to comparisons.

        (Not trying to call out slaves, Serbs, or San Diegoans. Simply pedantic alliteration!)

        • Rye

          I get it. And I agree. When we try to relate we need identifiers to connect with. But differing definitions and upbringing can drastically change understanding.

          And having this blog I am trying to ‘be’, but in that I am labeling myself for my readers. It’s a double-edged sword.

  • Marie Rebelle

    When we just started out our kink relationship, calling myself submissive was very important to me, as that explained who I was. But, as we grew in our relationship, ‘submissive’ was not enough anymore. I am so much more than that one word. I don’t think one label ever covers everything. I’m a mom, but that doesn’t define me. I’m a wife but that doesn’t define me either. I’m a daughter, friend, a colleague, a cousin… I am so many things at once. No one label fits me completely, and even if both you and I use the label ‘mom’ or ‘wife’, it will mean different things to us. That said, labels make it easier to more or less make people understand who and what we are 🙂

    Rebel xox

    • Rye

      I agree, I just don’t want people to assume that it all that I am. Like you, I am so much more than one word. And even a series of words can have different meanings. I’m ok with that as long as they don’t have preconceived notions.

  • Simina

    I identify as a primal, bratty, submissive, masochistic slave-pet. Confuses the shit out of people when I rattle that off at a dungeon. Also, that’s human pet. I’m not much on animal play. I have an owner who I call Daddy and we’ve never done and will never do age play. I am all of the confusing. My drop down label on Fet is “pet” although all the other labels are on my profile somewhere. In my local community, I usually just go with slave for simplicity. I don’t tend to explain my dynamic much in person though.

    If I do say I’m a pet, I have to specify human, because everyone assumes animal and asks what animal role you take. And I don’t bother mentioning the Daddy bit most of the time because everyone assumes age play.

    • Rye

      I didn’t even think about that. I’m a human pet too. And even though Sir is fine with me identifying as a little, he’s really not comfortable being a ‘Daddy’ in any capacity outside our children.

  • Brigit Delaney

    Labels are useful in that they help us to categorize things, which is a natural human need. It helps us to understand things, about ourselves and others. A problem only arises when we allow those labels to “become” us. More often than not, it’s the person with the label that takes it too far. We have to all know that we change, and our labels have to evolve with us. I’ve gone through several on my journey with Daddy. And believe me, the first night I called Him that, during an orgasm, I cried it was such a relief. And then I stopped using the term. And then I went back to it. Whatever works…works. Labels are annoying, but they are also necessary. Just enjoy trying them all on!

    • Rye

      That is true. And as long as I can fluidly move from one label to the next without judgement, I am fine with that. And I think that that seems to be how a lot of people work into their kinks.

      Trying to get through all of them is the fun part. Explaining them is not.

  • Sadistic Glee

    I have always despised labels because they do tend to typecast us. Yet, I understand their purpose because it helps others gain a better understanding of how we live our lives. I’ve been labeled as Top, Dom, Sadist, Master and Daddy. And I’m sure there may be another that comes up at some point. Truly, I feel the label of a role should just be an introduction. If someone really wants to understand you they’ll talk to you about your path and existing dynamic.

    • Rye

      I certainly hope so. That is a great way to think about it though. Use the label as an introduction to a much longer/deeper conversation.

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