Chasing Me Chasing You

An uncollared submissive struggling through depression, motherhood, and the constant craving of her next orgasm.

Selfish Sex

Sex used to be fair. And in this case, I am using ‘fair’ as a negative term. Orgasms were almost always one for one. If one person got oral, then the other had to have it too. There was a constant knowledge that we were both keeping score. There would be a lot of resentment when one person got ‘attention’ and then miraculously got too tired and fell asleep without balancing the scale. I will be the first to admit that I was on both ends of that unfortunate scenario. So either both of us would have a orgasm or one would go to sleep frustrated and angry.

It wasn’t a great system. When it worked, it was great. We found very early on that we could pretty consistently cum together during sex. When we could find a good rhythm in each other it was amazing. But those moments were not guaranteed. This led to something I now (certainly not at the time) lovingly call ‘selfish sex’. We were so worried about our own orgasms. If the other person came, good for them. But from the start of foreplay until we finished clean up it was all about whether or not I came. I guess I can’t speak for Sir on this; I don’t want to assume that he was as selfish as I was. But I was extremely selfish when it came to sexual satisfaction. When he would orgasm, rather than being happy for him, I was always just worried about whether he would take care of me before he passed out. There was a lot of needless frustration and guilt surrounding our sex life.

Now…..

When I make him growl and orgasm while sucking his cock I literally drip on the floor. Bringing him pleasure and release is a completely new sense of calm for me. Obviously my own orgasms are nice, but they don’t have the same priority that they used to. Once we started this new dynamic, I was getting stressed when it would be days between orgasms. But I realized, that I was actually just stressed out by lack of sexual contact in general. As long as we have some intimacy, even if I don’t cum, I am fine. The other night I was able to worship his cock and slept like a baby.

Honestly, the idea that I don’t have worry about keeping score is half the relaxation. I’m not stressing about whether or not I am going to get mine. I can just focus on him and let him take me where he wants. And if he lets me or forces me to cum once or multiple times, I don’t have to worry about matching the numbers. Our sex life isn’t a series of notches and ‘you owe me’ feelings.

It’s a process. I still know when my last orgasm was, and his. I don’t have resentful feelings about either one, but I do still remember them. Hopefully, I will eventually get to the point that I don’t even consider it important to track. I can really just let Sir take me where he pleases and be glad for the journey. Sex will just be about his pleasure and the enjoyment I get from satisfying him. Orgasms get to be a reward for my good behavior rather than a selfish battle of wills. And we all know that I am always on my best behavior.

Sir just laughed himself off the couch and he doesn’t know why.

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2 Responses to “Selfish Sex”

  • subhubphx

    I can totally relate, even from a reversed gender situation. There is noting more sexually satisfying for me now than to be able to give/witness/participate in an orgasm for my Mistress. I truly do not ever think or expect that an orgasm for me is something that I am entitled to, or will even likely happen. Tis is a blissful existence for me now and I have come to realize that my being her submissive, loving, devoted husband has trained me to be this way. I wouldn’t have it any other way. Not being allowed to decided if I am to have an orgasm or not has taken that pressure away and like you, I can concentrate on her and let her take me where she wants. Not having to keep score. Thank you for a wonderful post.

    • Rye

      Thanks. It is always nice to hear that I am not the only one who struggles. It’s hard to write about negative feelings sometimes, even those that are from our ‘past lives’. But it is nice to look back on these types of posts and see how far we’ve come as a couple.

      Thanks for reading.

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