Sir: I’m frustrated and upset. It’s like it’s your way or the highway this morning.
I practically bit my tongue off trying to keep from saying something to get into more trouble. There were so many snappy things running through my head.
Now you know how I feel everyday.
Guess you are taking the highway, Sir.
I’m just imitating you.
Luckily I kept all those thoughts in my head. After Sir left for work and I got a chance to sit and think about what he said. The rude responses were replaced by shame at my behavior.
When I don’t feel well I struggle. Before BDSM I always took on everything. And now that I am a slave that has almost gotten worse. So when I don’t feel well and I can’t give 100% it drives me crazy. He tries to help and cut me some slack. I hate that. I hate that I can’t be on top of my game. It makes me feel like a bad slave and I hate being sick even more.
I have an issue with doctors. It’s a weird anxiety that I have. But when Sir tells me to make a doctor’s appointment I always push back. And he has been really good about giving me some leeway when it comes to medical decisions. But he made a good point this morning.
Sir: Right now you are so sick you can’t service my cock with your mouth, and we both agree that’s not okay… I expect that, one way or another, you will be back in service “shortly,” well or not.
I never thought about how when I am sick I cannot service him in the ways that he wants. So when I refuse to take steps that he feels are necessary it’s keeping him from receiving the service he requires. I have never felt so selfish. I didn’t realize that me pushing my freedom when it came to my health had such a negative effect on him. And if it continues to hinder him then I won’t get to have that freedom anymore.
So I will take my medicine and put on a sweater and probably call the doctor when they open this morning. Because I need to feel better to be the slave that he needs. That and as much as I don’t like doctors, Sir’s wrath is way worse.