Chasing Me Chasing You

An uncollared submissive struggling through depression, motherhood, and the constant craving of her next orgasm.

Sicko

Sir: I’m frustrated and upset. It’s like it’s your way or the highway this morning.

I practically bit my tongue off trying to keep from saying something to get into more trouble. There were so many snappy things running through my head.

Now you know how I feel everyday.

Guess you are taking the highway, Sir.

I’m just imitating you.

Luckily I kept all those thoughts in my head. After Sir left for work and I got a chance to sit and think about what he said. The rude responses were replaced by shame at my behavior.

When I don’t feel well I struggle. Before BDSM I always took on everything. And now that I am a slave that has almost gotten worse. So when I don’t feel well and I can’t give 100% it drives me crazy. He tries to help and cut me some slack. I hate that. I hate that I can’t be on top of my game. It makes me feel like a bad slave and I hate being sick even more.

I have an issue with doctors. It’s a weird anxiety that I have. But when Sir tells me to make a doctor’s appointment I always push back. And he has been really good about giving me some leeway when it comes to medical decisions. But he made a good point this morning.

Sir: Right now you are so sick you can’t service my cock with your mouth, and we both agree that’s not okay… I expect that, one way or another, you will be back in service “shortly,” well or not.

I never thought about how when I am sick I cannot service him in the ways that he wants. So when I refuse to take steps that he feels are necessary it’s keeping him from receiving the service he requires. I have never felt so selfish. I didn’t realize that me pushing my freedom when it came to my health had such a negative effect on him. And if it continues to hinder him then I won’t get to have that freedom anymore.

So I will take my medicine and put on a sweater and probably call the doctor when they open this morning. Because I need to feel better to be the slave that he needs. That and as much as I don’t like doctors, Sir’s wrath is way worse.

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6 Responses to “Sicko”

  • Simina

    Fair warning. Question stampede coming on.

    You say before BDSM, you took everything on. How long has your relationship been a power dynamic? Did you go straight from vanilla to slave? Or did the authority transfer happen gradually? If you dove in head first, do you think the abrupt transition might be part of the struggle? Culture shock, so to speak?

    How did you settle on the label of slave?

    I know, I know, not exactly on point with the topic, but those things went through my head while I read this, informed, I’m sure by other posts I’ve read from you. And if you have posts that answer any of those questions, link my face! lol

    • Rye

      No worries.

      We have been looking at various aspects of power dynamic for the last 18 months or so. But I was pregnant for part of that, so we dialed it back a lot. We went from vanilla to submissive to slave pretty quickly. But we have both been on board for those changes. I would believe there is an amount of culture shock though. We have been implementing things slowly.

      The ‘slave’ label is pretty new. Sir uses it more than me. I would say I am a submissive in a 24/7 TPE relationship. I don’t know if that automatically makes me a slave or not. As we define all of the limits of our relationship it will certainly be part of the conversation.

      Good questions. 🙂

  • Ellasha

    Rye, I hope you get to feeling better soon!

    • Rye

      Thanks. Me too. I feel good now. It’s that stupid pattern of feeling fine in the afternoon and evening and then feeling awful in the mornings. Hope I can break the cycle soon.

  • ancilla ksst

    I’m the same way! I only go to the doctor when ordered, and last year I went A LOT. I gave up on the push back eventually and just did whatever he said was needed.

    • Rye

      I’m sure we will eventually get that way too. He gets so frustrated when he doesn’t think I’m taking care of myself. I’ve been doing a lot of work on my mental health lately, so he has been proud of me for that and is giving me a little break on my physical health. But too many more days without a blowjob and he’ll crack. Luckily I feel better this morning, so he will undoubtably be serviced well this evening. 😉

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