Chasing Me Chasing You

An uncollared submissive struggling through depression, motherhood, and the constant craving of her next orgasm.

Strap-on Security

Midas over on The Golden Treasure Trip commented on my Evaluation post with an interesting question. The topic of the post (because I really can’t expect you to read all my ramblings) was about how I give feedback to Sir about his performance as we hone in on our M/s roles. He offered some really good insight from his own experience and ended with this head scratcher:

You mention feeling guilty to critique a scene, that would be first focal point in my opinion. Which fear is below that guilt?

Such a simple question and I knew that it would rattle around in my brain for awhile. Not because I didn’t know the answer, but because I did. His question struck directly at the problem, I am incredibly insecure. I was insecure when we were vanilla, I’m not sure why I thought that it would just disappear.

It’s not all Sir’s fault. I blame previous relationships. You know, those ones where you think everything is going pretty well and they are moving on. When they eventually break up with you they are so checked out you don’t understand what is happening. Even if you look back months later and realize where things started to go downhill, that moment of shock and their abrupt departure stays with you.

When Sir told me that he was bisexual I thought that that was one of those moments. I was fine with his sexuality. He had had a boyfriend in the past, but he was with me. And I was fine, or thought so at least, for quite a while. But slowly, this nagging thought kept entering my brain. I don’t have a penis. I know, shocker. You wouldn’t think I would need a reminder of that very often, and yet. But that is where it started. And it grew.

I just got this niggling thought in my brain that he was going to wake up one day and realize that he needed a penis; pretty much the only thing that I couldn’t give him. And there is nothing I could do to shake that feeling. We’ve been together for over eight years, married for seven, you would think that I would be over it.

But I’m not. The idea of being critical of him is so difficult. Like I will say the wrong thing at the wrong time and that will be it. I think that my past relationship experiences (even though they were years ago) have bolstered my insecurities of him leaving me. I don’t really address issues outside of our sexual relationship that well either. But this M/s set-up and feedback have really highlighted how little I feel comfortable criticizing him. There is also the knowledge that I know he is trying his best. He’s not being vindictive or cruel. He’s learning to be a Dom just as much as I am learning how to be his pet. It’s not completely natural for either of us. I don’t want to expect too much from him. We are both getting comfortable with our kinks. Neither of us wants to push too hard and have the other throw in the towel. And, as the submissive, I don’t want to come across as whiny and bratty either. A difficult balance to achieve.

I don’t think that Sir will leave me. He loves me. He loves our children and our life together. My insecurities are not due to anything that he has done. It’s just my own irrational fear of losing him. Of not being enough. He has never given me that impression. I just don’t know why I can’t believe him. He thinks I’m beautiful and sexy and I am everything he needs. So why can’t I just be happy that I don’t have a penis?

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This week’s Wicked Wednesday topic is Disability. I could wax poetic about how insecurity is my disability, but that would be disrespectful to those who struggle everyday with a real one. This difficulty is the closest I come to that struggle and I recognize how blessed I am. And growing up with a brother who has disabilities, I would never intend to judge or belittle those who have higher mountains to climb. You all are my heroes.

Wicked Wednesday

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9 Responses to “Strap-on Security”

  • Molly

    Because it is the one thing you believe you can not give him but as I have said to others with similar problems, if he had tooth ache would you expect to be able to fix it or would you expect him to go to the dentist? Sometimes we can not be the answer to everything our partner needs, the key is knowing that and helping them to find it with you beside them. Never easy mind you, but I think worth the work

    mollyxxx

    • Rye

      I guess I am just afraid of the slippery slope. I want him to be happy and have everything he needs and wants. I think I am just worried that it’s a ‘never go back’ type situation. And that maybe he’ll decide he doesn’t want me anymore. I don’t know why I’m so afraid of that.

      You are right. It’s worth the work to figure it out with him. It’s just a fear that I can’t rationalize away.

  • Marie Rebelle

    I think sometimes our inner fears totally mess us up. One thing I am always afraid of is that my Husband will stop loving me and all will end. I know this is an irrational fear, but still I sometimes feel panic when I think of it. I hope both of us will learn to accept that we should not fear what might never happen.

    Rebel xox

    • Rye

      Exactly. And I know that my fears concern Sir as he is always afraid that he has said or done something to make me so insecure. And I hate that I make him for guilty. He’s always supportive and loving, I don’t want him to feel bad for being himself.

  • Simina

    My ex left me without even telling me. I found out from his parents a week after he’d moved out of state. I definitely know the insecurity feels.

    I resolved early in my dating career, if you can call it that, that I wouldn’t be with bisexual men or switch men. Aside from simply not being attracted to those things, I didn’t want to be with a man who had fundamental needs or desires that I could not fulfill. I’m hardwired for mutual monogamy and would not be comfortable with my partner having those needs met outside of the relationship. So I find it easier for them to not be on the table at all.

    • Rye

      I didn’t know he was bisexual until well after I was already head over heels in love with him. It was hard to backtrack after that. I’m trying to be open to different things, but mutual monogamy is my comfort zone too.

      • Simina

        I have never been in a vanilla relationship. That affected what I looked for greatly. I was on FetLife for about 5 months prior to my first relationship. Not that I’ve had much experience after that relationship, but I’ve always had easy access to the role identities and sexual orientations of potential partners because I was exclusively looking on dating/kink sites and within the local kink communities, who all typically had online profiles with that information readily available.

        Being in the BDSM community has ruined me for vanilla dating, as at this point, I would expect to know a man’s sexual orientation prior to the dating phase. I’ve never really met a man in a traditional setting. I met my owner through online roleplay when I was a teenager.

  • Charlie Powell

    You know, I really respect what you’re saying here, but I don’t wholly agree that saying insecurity is your disability would be disrespectful to those who have an ‘actual’ disability. Personally, I find the insecurity generated by my disability much harder to deal with than the physical disability itself, so I can totally see how insecurity could hold someone back xx

    • Rye

      I never would have thought of it that way. I guess I just didn’t want to make it seem like I was downplaying what those with disabilities go through.

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