Chasing Me Chasing You

An uncollared submissive struggling through depression, motherhood, and the constant craving of her next orgasm.

Meds on Me or Me on Meds

Depression is a tricky thing. A mind of it’s own. It slips in when I’m not looking and tends to take over just about any situation. Sometimes I can stamp it out; sometimes I can’t.

This spring I hit a wall. A great wall of China type wall. I was just overwhelmed and flooded by everything. And being a mom, I don’t have time to be overwhelmed. I was crying all the time. I was becoming anxious whenever I had to leave the house by myself. My normal symptoms of my depression had magnified and grown to something I couldn’t handle anymore without help.

I’ve always pushed back against starting medication to help me deal with my depression. The thought would make me feel weak and concerned that I would always need it to get through the day. I don’t know if it was just my upbringing. My grandmother was addicted to pain meds and then sleeping pills later on in life. My mother was always against taking medications as I think she was afraid of becoming addicted like her mom. So usually Sir has to order me to take tylenol for a headache, because I just won’t even consider it. Aside from going on birth control when I was a teen for my PMDD I haven’t taken any medication for a long period. I guess maybe my prenatal vitamins. I cannot stress how difficult it was for me to make that initial appointment and be evaluated.

So I have been on meds for almost four months now. And I feel great. Finally getting a handle on my emotions and what I can and cannot deal with day to day. It’s very freeing. I can focus on what needs to be done and not whether I will break down. I know that I am happier, which is better for the kids. My son doesn’t ask me ‘what’s wrong?’ when I pick him up from daycare anymore. That was always soul crushing to hear. I need to be strong for them.

I do still fear being on these meds forever though. I want to get to place where I don’t need them. BDSM has been a huge factor in that too. Being able to put everything into pleasing Sir has that freeing effect. I think being submissive and the meds are working together to help me feel like a real person again. I’m just not sure if one or the other is enough though. If I go off the meds, will being a slave pick up the slack? Or if Sir decides that we cannot really handle 24/7 right now, will I be ok with just the meds? I get anxious just thinking about it. And I hate how much pressure that puts on him. He knows how happy D/s has made me. And I’ve never been really good at hiding my emotions. So when we cannot play, or I don’t feel dominated for a period of time he can see it all over my face.

Last night I was trying to focus. We were in bed talking and my mind kept jumping to little things I needed to do. Iron his pants, pull chicken out of the freezer, give the dog her heartworm meds. He said that I get like that when I’m sad. That it’s harder for me to focus on things when I’m down about something. I never thought about it before, but as soon as he said it I realized he was right. But then he wanted to know what I was sad about. And it’s hard to say that I want more from him. He gives me so much. And he has so much on his plate. I feel so selfish wanting more. Slaves can’t be selfish. I think that’s really why I was sad.

So apparently I still have a ways to go before I talk about going off the meds. And maybe right now I just need to stay on them to get through this uncertain time in our lives. When Sir’s firm is established and we’ve purchased a home maybe I can revisit the ‘no meds’ me. But right now it’s just part of who I am. And that doesn’t make me a bad person. I’m just doing what I need to so I can be there for my kids and Sir. They deserve the best me that I can offer.

 

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2 Responses to “Meds on Me or Me on Meds”

  • Midas

    Grr .. I had written up a large comment, .. *zip*
    Anyways, I think you are brave to be open about this. I have seen it taboo-ed so many times.
    My sub has had to take anti depression meds after het breast cancer treatments (7 years ago). I was som happy when she could smile again … Sometimes these drugs are needed to get you back on your feet.

    Yes, she got addicted, but late last year, she started to cut down very slowly, over months timeframe. All off the meds now, only taking vitamin B and D, and my Dominance. Being happier now is more important.

    Does your Docter know about your lifestyle ?

    • Rye

      His dominance has helped a lot.

      No, our doctor doesn’t know. Eventually maybe.

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