Depression is a tricky thing. A mind of it’s own. It slips in when I’m not looking and tends to take over just about any situation. Sometimes I can stamp it out; sometimes I can’t.
This spring I hit a wall. A great wall of China type wall. I was just overwhelmed and flooded by everything. And being a mom, I don’t have time to be overwhelmed. I was crying all the time. I was becoming anxious whenever I had to leave the house by myself. My normal symptoms of my depression had magnified and grown to something I couldn’t handle anymore without help.
I’ve always pushed back against starting medication to help me deal with my depression. The thought would make me feel weak and concerned that I would always need it to get through the day. I don’t know if it was just my upbringing. My grandmother was addicted to pain meds and then sleeping pills later on in life. My mother was always against taking medications as I think she was afraid of becoming addicted like her mom. So usually Sir has to order me to take tylenol for a headache, because I just won’t even consider it. Aside from going on birth control when I was a teen for my PMDD I haven’t taken any medication for a long period. I guess maybe my prenatal vitamins. I cannot stress how difficult it was for me to make that initial appointment and be evaluated.
So I have been on meds for almost four months now. And I feel great. Finally getting a handle on my emotions and what I can and cannot deal with day to day. It’s very freeing. I can focus on what needs to be done and not whether I will break down. I know that I am happier, which is better for the kids. My son doesn’t ask me ‘what’s wrong?’ when I pick him up from daycare anymore. That was always soul crushing to hear. I need to be strong for them.
I do still fear being on these meds forever though. I want to get to place where I don’t need them. BDSM has been a huge factor in that too. Being able to put everything into pleasing Sir has that freeing effect. I think being submissive and the meds are working together to help me feel like a real person again. I’m just not sure if one or the other is enough though. If I go off the meds, will being a slave pick up the slack? Or if Sir decides that we cannot really handle 24/7 right now, will I be ok with just the meds? I get anxious just thinking about it. And I hate how much pressure that puts on him. He knows how happy D/s has made me. And I’ve never been really good at hiding my emotions. So when we cannot play, or I don’t feel dominated for a period of time he can see it all over my face.
Last night I was trying to focus. We were in bed talking and my mind kept jumping to little things I needed to do. Iron his pants, pull chicken out of the freezer, give the dog her heartworm meds. He said that I get like that when I’m sad. That it’s harder for me to focus on things when I’m down about something. I never thought about it before, but as soon as he said it I realized he was right. But then he wanted to know what I was sad about. And it’s hard to say that I want more from him. He gives me so much. And he has so much on his plate. I feel so selfish wanting more. Slaves can’t be selfish. I think that’s really why I was sad.
So apparently I still have a ways to go before I talk about going off the meds. And maybe right now I just need to stay on them to get through this uncertain time in our lives. When Sir’s firm is established and we’ve purchased a home maybe I can revisit the ‘no meds’ me. But right now it’s just part of who I am. And that doesn’t make me a bad person. I’m just doing what I need to so I can be there for my kids and Sir. They deserve the best me that I can offer.