As part of our rework this weekend, Sir and I talked about how we have been having some issues with communication. Sir doesn’t feel that I have been open enough about my struggles with submitting to him during the work day and when I am alone with the boys. I think that I fight the urge to burden him with my stress while he is at work. But, by not being open with my horniness, stress, and desire to submit, he feels directionless in dominating me. And I have been getting more and more bitter on nights when I go to bed horny and frustrated. With the stress of the children and, recently, this job search, it just doesn’t work. I just get upset and mad at him, and everyone else; my fuse is millimeters long. Not good for a mom with young children. Not to mentioned depressed, stressed, and sleep-deprived.
So, in his infinite wisdom, Sir has decided on a different approach. Rather than sex as a reward he is going to use chastity as punishment. I know that that sounds like the same thing, but it is actually very different. Before, my orgasms were a reward for extremely good behavior. These were often given at the end of a scene or play, after he had cum. So, if for whatever reason, our time was cut short (remember, young children) my orgasm would be forfeit. I found it hard to stay motivated and often found myself getting snippy and bratty because of this. I felt unappreciated and that my service, both domestic and sexual, was being ignored.
And I hated feeling like that. I really approach my submission with a ‘whatever he says goes’ and ‘suck it up, buttercup’ attitude. So why couldn’t I accept his decision about my orgasms? Truthfully, I don’t think I know how to completely deal with my raised sex drive. Basically, since I got pregnant with our second child and I started researching BDSM my horniness has really come out. I thought it may go down after I gave birth, but it didn’t. And now that I have my depression under control, I don’t have anything else to ‘blame’. BDSM has given me the ability and the platform to be the, apparently previously hidden, sexual person I really am. And as much as I love that realization, I’ve not actually had to time to process it’s ramifications completely. Even after we got married, I would go weeks without an orgasm and be fine. I survived my first pregnancy and recovery without issue. This moody response that triggers after hardly 48 hours has been as hard for me to deal with as it has been for Sir. It’s not acceptable, but I haven’t found anything to fix it. So instead, Sir and I need to adapt.
Now my orgasms are not wishful thinking. His are.
If I preform tasks, like Sunday’s cleaning, I get a massive orgasm; or possibly many. Even if I don’t impress him, my orgasm isn’t necessarily taken off the table. But it will be quick. No time will be taken; no after cuddles provided. More importantly, now, are his orgasms. If I succeed in my ordered endeavors, I will get the chance to give him an amazing orgasm. On Sunday, if I had not followed his direction, he said that he would just jerk off in a towel. At first I was startled that he would be ok masturbating rather than using my body. But then I realized how upset I was at the thought that my behavior would cause him to have to do that. Immediately I wanted to do everything I could to avoid him having to use a towel. My orgasm wasn’t important, I just didn’t want him to not be given the relaxing orgasm that he deserves; that my body could give him. Like it was some sort of horror. It didn’t used to be. I remember, before BDSM, I would go to sleep and he would be horny and just jerk off so he could fall asleep. It never really bothered me then. But I remember this feeling of panic when he told me as he put my gag on Sunday night.
I never would have thought that ‘switching’ the orgasm focus could be so effective. And so immediate. And so lasting. Sir didn’t have a great Monday and turned in soon after the boys went to bed. So I came downstairs to write and finish up a few work bits and bobs. I felt good. Not bitter, and certainly not moody at the idea that he needed some rest. I was calm. Calm and happy.
Sex leads to submission, submission leads to sex. I think this new approach will be a win/win for both of us. Because I will do whatever I can to keep him away from that towel and reaching for me instead.