We have a new relationship. I’m now asking to sleep on the floor to help me get back into a submissive mindset. It helps me to remember my place and focus on my service. I lay down next to his side of the bed and I feel more relaxed. I go to sleep faster. And I appreciate what we have more. There is no ‘want’ on the floor.
But there is a really selfish side to it. When I sleep in his bed, I want to play. I want to be touched and loved. When I sleep on the floor, I expect to be ignored. So when I lay in bed and he plays on his phone or just goes to sleep, it hurts. When I’m on the floor, it’s normal. It’s weird to me how five feet can make such a difference. I guess it’s my way of dealing with my lack of control. I don’t have a say in when we play, so if I sleep on the floor, it reminds me of that. If I sleep in bed, I have expectations, which never ends well.
I am not mad at him for not wanting to play with his slave all the time. I just need to make it easier to accept when I’m curled up next to him. I need to be stronger and just be what he needs from me. An ear, a shoulder to cry on, a hole.
I think I’m just hormonal right now. I hate to blame my emotions and reactions on PMS, but sometimes it’s just so obvious you can’t ignore it. Like the fact that I’m craving a bacon cheeseburger; though I am doing that most of the time, so that’s a bad example.
I have been feeling a lull in the kinky lately. Which is a bad thing as I’m afraid that it means I will put too many expectations on this weekend when Sir and I are getting away. Our hotel room may end up with a good night’s sleep and less bondage than I would like. But that’s life sometimes. A night where we don’t have to worry about the baby waking us is a true break. And I know that Sir has been under a lot of work stress lately. A night drinking with old friends and relaxing would be good for him (and me).
I just hope I get to sleep in bed in the hotel.