Chasing Me Chasing You

An uncollared submissive struggling through depression, motherhood, and the constant craving of her next orgasm.

Feeling off, or….

I’ve been feeling off the last few days. I would love to say that it was just because of my birthday and feeling old, but it’s not. It’s time for my monthly visitor. No, not that one. I’m talking about doubt.

Every month (well, 4-6 weeks) I find myself questioning if I’m doing the best that I can as his slave. I just hit this wall every few weeks where I wonder if we can really make it work. He is a sadist; can a non-masochist truly make him happy? Can he give me the attention I crave with everything else on his plate?

I wonder if the escalation will continue. Right now, we’re on this ramp heading straight up. We are trying a little bit of everything and a lot of some things. But how long can we really stay on this trajectory? What happens when we finally crash into the ceiling and hit something uncomfortable? Adding someone new will be that for me. Whether it’s a someone for me to play with or a pain toy for him. Sir has said that someday he wants to play with a real masochist. Just to know what it’s like. Part of me really wants to try adding a partner or two. I would love to play with a woman. But as much as I am often turned on by the idea, my concerns often ruin the moment. But if we keep up this pace we are going to enter the world of our limits pretty quickly.

At least I take some comfort in the fact that I am not the only one struggling. Not that I want Sir to struggle, but having him experience similar emotions helps me feel a little less crazy. I think he is still trying to find out how he wants to let his sadism manifest itself. With young kids in the house we can’t do heavy scenes all the time or have large pieces of obvious furniture. So generally, he has had to focus on the control aspects of his kink. I know that that isn’t really what he wants out of this though. He wants me gagged and bruised with my drool and my tears mixing together as they drip onto my stomach and the floor. I think sometimes he worries that he will push me too far and I will break. I think sometimes I worry about that too.

I want to assure him though. I want to be that crawling, crying puddle of a slave. I understand that he wants to play with a real pain toy. To know that his sub is enjoying themselves as he lets go is a release he deserves. Could I learn to give that to him? Even my taking as much pain as I can, that isn’t the same as enjoying it; and he can tell the difference.

Maybe instead of doubt this is just how sub-drop manifests itself for me. Chocolate and reflection are called for. Allowing myself to have chocolate every few weeks seems like a reasonable compromise as we sort through our kinky and family realities.

See how I just spent five hundred words justifying the piece of my birthday cake that I finished before I even started this post?

 

5 Responses to “Feeling off, or….”

  • Dubs

    R said, “See how I just spent five hundred words justifying the piece of my birthday cake that I finished before I even started this post?”

    Good one. Probably!

    In half seriousness, you’re a worry wart! (And I mean that kindly!) Chill. It’ll all come together, and not because you fretted about it! Solid relationships have a way of always working things out – organically – many times without anything said.

    • Rye

      I am worry wart. I can’t help it. It’s part of my anxiety. I just always find the ways things can go wrong.

      But you’re right. I just need to let things be and see what happens.

  • Midas

    I understand this is your corner, but I got curious what his take on this topic would be …?

  • Saer Woland

    His reply will be coming, rest assured.

    • Rye

      *Gulp*

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