Chasing Me Chasing You

An uncollared submissive struggling through depression, motherhood, and the constant craving of her next orgasm.

When a vacation is not a vacation

1. Vacations where are you surrounded by your vanilla family.

Sir and I cannot be kinky at all. We have to be good, really good. There is no time alone. No sex (not even a little). It has been hard. We usually at least grope each other and talk dirty when the kids are not in the room. Here, there are always people in the room. Because of the space set up we share a room with the kids and sleep in separate beds. Not anything that I would call relaxing. My collar is all I have to remind me that I am his precious fuck puppet.

It’s really hard to keep up my protocol too. I have to ask to have an alcoholic drink; nearly impossible to do when ten people are sharing a three bedroom house. I haven’t gotten any gagged hours in and very few plugged. Getting approval regarding purchases and clothes has been hit and miss. I think both of us can tell it’s the first time we have been away with the kids under our new D/s roles. I’m sure we can iron out all these wrinkles before we have to do this again, but it’s been a bit surprising how many there are. The shock to the system of having to be almost completely vanilla has rattled both of us and I’m worried it will take us a few days to get back to our routine when we get home.

2. Vacations with small children.

Days where I get up at 5:30 and a mimosa isn’t in my hand by 5:40 shouldn’t count as a vacation. I brought one book with me, I think I have managed to read 22 pages. Managing and entertaining children with limited toys is not easy. We just don’t have the same resources that we have at home to keep them busy. Activities that the adults find interesting are of no consequence to the kids. My aunt, uncle, and parents wanted to go to a beer garden yesterday. As much as I am a fan; what am I supposed to with two small children at a brewery? The kids want to watch tv or stay in the water too long and eat at 5 pm. The adults spend their afternoons reading and drinking and don’t really think about dinner until 7 or so. There has to be a better way to compromise than just submitting to them and ending up tragically at Disney World spending our entire life savings chasing Mickey Mouse around the park.

3. Vacations where you have to hide who you are.

I’m not talking about going to ComicCons and spending a week dressed up like Black Widow and Thor. That’s a choice. I’m talking about constantly having to edit the truth. Having to stop short of sharing how well I am doing and what I’ve really been up to. I hate lying to my mother; she engrained that in me when I was very young. But my mother has a thing about drugs. She doesn’t know that I have been diagnosed with severe depression. She doesn’t know how bad things got this spring and that I am now on meds. To tell her how well I am doing would mean explaining how bad I was.

And my biggest thing, the thing I really hate to hide, is that I’m writing again. Obviously, she wouldn’t love the content of this blog. I don’t know any sex blogger who name their parents (and/or any relative for that matter) among their readers. But she’s always wanted me to be a writer. She knows that that has been my dream too. Being published is at the top of my bucket list. But I can’t even really talk to her about how I’m writing every day. I’m working on my fiction and non-fiction writing and I love it. Because if I told her I had a blog, she’d want to read it. And after looking up what a rim job is, she wouldn’t be able to look me in the eye again. I can’t imagine what she would do to Sir.

Sir and I are talking about renting a house separate from everyone next year. That way we can still be part of the group and have a nice family visit, but we have our own space. The kids can go to be early and everyone in their house won’t be reduced to whispers. Sir and I could have our own room, sleep in the same bed, maybe even have sex. What kind of vacation with your spouse/Dom doesn’t include sex? A stress full, sleepless, cranky one; let me tell you. Hopefully that will help soothe a lot of the issues that have made this years trip less than ideal.

So, this vacation hasn’t been what one would call relaxing. On the bright side, the kids have had a great time. And I know my parents have loved having them around. The boys are too cute for their own good. If anything, I do enjoy getting them out to meet and socialize with others. I think I put too many hopes on this getaway for myself though. I forget day to day how much our TPE has changed my life and when it’s suddenly gone it affects me drastically. It is difficult to just ignore such a large piece of myself. To everyone here I probably seem pretty boring.


Allowed tags: <a href="" title=""> <abbr title=""> <acronym title=""> <b> <blockquote cite=""> <cite> <code> <del datetime=""> <em> <i> <q cite=""> <s> <strike> <strong>