Chasing Me Chasing You

An uncollared submissive struggling through depression, motherhood, and the constant craving of her next orgasm.

Fix Me

“When we start in a D/s relationship we invite intervention, in fact we seek it out. We want to find the love and connection again, we want to be fixed, we expect them to fix us.” -Twitter Boyfriend

We were talking about my post from yesterday and this was part of his response to my feelings. It made so much sense. And I’m sure that this isn’t the way it works for everyone, but apparently there are some people in the world with self-confidence. I’ve always wanted to be one of those people. And I think I expected that D/s would magically give that to me. Like the collar would create self-worth for me somehow.

In some ways it did. Being his in this new dynamic made me feel worth it. I have been more secure in our relationship and our marriage than I ever did when we were vanilla. And I think I find myself taking it one step too far. I start finding other parts of my personality that I keep looking for him to improve. Rather than working on myself, I’m just sort of dumping all the negative aspects of myself into his lap. And he’s not interested in it. His desire to control isn’t about nitpicking specific faults. Most of the things that bother me about myself he doesn’t care about anyway. While he is encouraging me to get healthy, he doesn’t care about my weight. He has expectations that have nothing to do fixing me and everything to do with serving him.

By looking for him to ‘improve’ me, I’m making it about me. And the reality is that that’s kind of the opposite of what M/s is (just in case you were wondering). It should be all about him.

I just need to take a chill pill. My father always said that. I just need to relax and let him lead. It’s like I want him to lead a dance that I’ve choreographed, so I know all the steps and I keep telling him when he makes a wrong move. Not a good slave plan.

I’ll just focus on him and I’m sure he will let me know if I need to change anything in my behavior. Likewise, I have faith that he will provide motivation and instruction on how to fix those faults. If you’re curious, ‘motivation’ is what I call this pinch and lift thing he does to my nipples.

2 Responses to “Fix Me”

  • kaya

    “It’s like I want him to lead a dance that I’ve choreographed, so I know all the steps and I keep telling him when he makes a wrong move.”

    That is beautiful. Truly. It’s a beautiful insight into yourself.

    I always likened it to driving but your metaphor is much prettier. 😉

    Letting him lead the dance is difficult. Accepting he’s going to make moves that aren’t in the traditional choreography is difficult. Feeling him misstep on your toes is difficult. It’s all fucking difficult.

    Except when it isn’t. And then it’s…. amazing. 🙂

    I’ve been on a mission lately to fix myself as well. To fix the parts of me that I don’t like that he doesn’t really care about. I, too, felt in the past that it was his “job” until I realized how much of a job I had become. That was a yucky feeling. I never again want to feel like his burden to bear.

    • Rye

      Thank you. I am starting to see what sort of burden I have become with all of my ‘fixing’ desires.

      And when it all works and it’s amazing, it’s also easy. I think sometimes I get bogged down in the difficult that I forget that.

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