You know those silent tears. The ones that can just flow while you look out the window as you drive along. You almost forget they are there, until one drips off your chin and onto your shirt. That is how I rode home yesterday. Quiet reflection and tears.
Just trying to balance all the good things that came out of this weekend. I got a raise. Still only working part time, but now my pay can at least cover the boys daycare. That was always a big problem for me, so I feel a little less guilty for wanting to work now that it isn’t a net loss for Sir’s bank account. Things are also moving slowly forward on the housing front. Seeing a few more properties today, and the front runner that mom and I liked dropped their price on Friday. So if Sir likes it today we may be putting in an offer. It is moving a lot faster than I thought, but that isn’t a bad thing. There aren’t a lot of houses with the good bones that we are looking for, but the ones we do find are great.
Anyway, a lot of good. Maybe I am just overwhelmed by the speed of it all. Wow, get over yourself, Rye. I swear I whine about things when they are bad, and then again when they are good. No wonder Sir beats me. Sigh.
The real reason I was crying because Sir and I were again bringing up the conversation about playing with others. And my confusion regarding this topic continues. I know that he wants other partners. Maybe just as pain toys, maybe as sexual partners. But last night he also explained that as he is a sadist, even the act of impact play can be highly erotic, if not completely sexual.
Such a obvious statement, and yet it was as if I hadn’t really thought about it before. Of course impact play would be sexual for him. As it would be for the true masochist he was playing with. It may not be penis in vagina, no one even needs to cum, but it would be sex all the same.
I thought I had processed everything. I was fine with him playing with someone else, as long as there wasn’t any sex. At least not yet. He could go to play parties without me and find friends and other play partners. They could scene and it would all be fine. My insecurities were abated by the idea that he wouldn’t have sex with them. Like that was going to keep him from leaving me. They couldn’t have that ultimate connection, so I was safe. I am a naive idiot, I know.
So more processing I guess. I need to work on the idea that he is just going to pack up and leave me after meeting the perfect masochist that can fulfill all of his sadist desires. That is easier said than done. And if he plays with others, should I also consider it so I don’t feel resentful at his extra play. We don’t really play enough for me as it is, imagine if he started adding someone else to his calendar. Ugh.
It is too early to think this hard about this stuff. My coffee hasn’t even kicked in yet.