Chasing Me Chasing You

An uncollared submissive struggling through depression, motherhood, and the constant craving of her next orgasm.

Lost in the kink of it all

Kink in general, no matter what specific fetish you are into, is all about trust. Even if you practice self-bondage, you better trust yourself. You have to trust the other person you play with. That is a strong relationship whether you have the control or are giving it away. However fleeting your scene or arrangement, you have to create a connection, sometimes quickly, in order to have a good experience. So here’s my question: Can you have a good scene if you love the person you are with, but not the kink? Likewise, what if you love the kink, but not the person?

I guess the second question is easier. There are lots of professionals and kinksters who play with multiple people that they have no romantic attachment to. And I certainly wouldn’t presume to insinuate that their scenes are anything less than stellar. So that one was a gimme for most people.

I’m odd though (like you didn’t know). I don’t know if I could completely trust and relax into a scene with just anyone. And therefore sometimes I feel like I am just a body. I know the idea of  being a fucktoy for Sir’s use can be a turn on. But there’s also the niggling idea that if I am just a body, then he could do this with anyone. Like I’m an interchangeable whipping post; a target only. Scratching his kinky itch is just about flesh. Playing by doing things to a person, rather than with them.

Which circles around to my first question. What if you love that person? Can you ‘fake it til you make it’ through a kink for your lover? Would you let someone you love do something like that for you? Could you tell?

Sometimes I feel like he is only playing along with my kinks because he thinks he has to. Like I will leave him or give him some silly ultimatum.

I feel at a weird impasse. I don’t want him to just play along. I know that our kinks don’t fit together perfectly, but I don’t want him to just suffer through it.

So yesterday I asked for some rough play. Mostly things that he is into, with a bit of what I needed. I hate asking for play. I feel like topping from the bottom, but he always says that he wants to know.

It didn’t go well. I throw myself out there, he rejects me, then he wants to know how I feel about it. I asked him to help me feel strong, to push me. He wasn’t in the mood. I get that. It happens. But was rubbing it in some game? Asking me how I feel when he says no. It hurts. A lot. I feel rejected, unwanted, unneeded, unappreciated, unloved. Happy?

Ugh.

So the obvious submission option is to just stop asking. Stop telling him when I need something and just accept whatever. Trust that he is doing this for the right reasons and that I’m doing by best to service him the way that he wants.

That wasn’t even easy to type, I can’t imagine doing it will be a walk in the park.

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10 Responses to “Lost in the kink of it all”

  • ancilla ksst

    I went through countless agonies on this. I think I understand where you are. I can’t say if your Master feels the same as mine about this, and the only way to find out is for you to keep talking to him, in a calm way, when you are feeling better, maybe not while your head is spinning with this agonized thought process.

    For my Master it was simple: he wants to know if I want something. If he doesn’t want the same thing he WILL say no. Yes, then I have to suck it up and deal with not getting what I wanted, but that is a part of being a slave, sucking it up. But when he does feel like giving me what I want then I’d have the agony of “Oh no, he only does it for me!” Which really doesn’t make sense in light of the first statement I made, that if he doesn’t want to do it he’ll just say no. We discussed all this, and it made me feel better, but I had to rehearse the same conversation in my head countless times until I could actually believe it when I got that “OH NO!” feeling. I didn’t come to terms with all this over night. When I don’t get what I wanted I remind myself that I’m the slave, I’m not in charge, and this is all a part of that.

  • ancilla ksst

    One more point: You say that he does want to know when you want something? He has said this frequently?

    *So the obvious submission option is to just stop asking. Stop telling him when I need something and just accept whatever.*

    So if that is right, then this isn’t actually submission to what he wants. This is avoiding the pain of asking, and it is a pain, I get that.

    • Rye

      I never thought about it like that, but you’re right. Not telling him isn’t actually what he wants, it just makes it easier for me.

      ‘I’m the slave, I’m not in charge.’ It’s a good mantra to have. Does this insecurity ever get easier? This shit drives me nuts.

  • ancilla ksst

    It has gotten easier for me with time and practice, mantras and such. It didn’t get better quickly though.

  • kaya

    I’d only echo everything ksst said so I’ll save you the repetition. 🙂

    But even if he IS, in that moment, only doing it for you, what is so wrong with that anyway? Is he not allowed to do “nice” things for you, either because he loves you, because he wants to, because he likes seeing you happy, because he felt like it, insert-his-reason-here? It seems a little like you might be rejecting him if you can’t accept a nicety (such as it, haha) without it becoming a “thing”. (Or at least those were the conversations Master and I used to have about it. Ouch.)

    We really tie ourselves up into knots over really grokking that them getting to do what they want means exactly that, even when the reasons conflict with how we perceive TTWD to work, don’t we?

    It can probably feel a little like a no-win for them. We’re hurt if they reject us, but we’re angsty if they do it when we know it isn’t really their “thing”.

    Accepting that whatever he has chosen to do in that moment is exactly what he wants to be doing goes a long way in soothing some of that angst. I’ve given up trying to analyze his motivation. All of that is like rocking furiously in a rocking chair; I’m wasting energy and getting nowhere. 😉

    • Rye

      I guess I do really struggle with the ‘doing something nice for me’ thing. Maybe I think I don’t deserve it. Like somehow I’m not a good slave if he’s nice to me. And I don’t want it to be a thing. I want to move passed it.

      I like the rocking chair metaphor though. That is exactly what it feels like. Analyzing his motivations and reasons doesn’t work. I just get upset. I just wish I were better at letting it go. I dig myself into some pretty deep holes.

      • kaya

        Master takes it as an insult if I indicate that I’m unworthy or undeserving of what he’s chosen to give me. His reply is along the lines of “Do you think so lowly of me that I’d choose an unworthy slave?” I don’t know how yours thinks, but when Master put it to me that way, and I tried to reconcile that with how highly I think of him, I had to conclude that I might not be too bad after all. 😉

        • Rye

          I never would have thought of it like that. That is a very good point though.

          What would I do without you guys? Your support and level-headedness is amazing.

  • Decius_Mus

    Sometimes I just like to make ksst beg.
    Sometimes I say yes just to mess with her angsty slave mind.
    The power comes in the choice. She can ask; she can beg, and she can plead, but I have the choice.
    DM

    • Rye

      Thank you for your insight. The power is in the choice. I think in the past I have just let it get to me too much when he says no. I know, I know, a slave that can’t hear the word ‘no’ doesn’t make for a very good slave. I think I just take it as a punishment when he just isn’t in the mood for what I’m offering/asking for. I take it personally and that is the problem. Like I recognize his choice but then am mad when he makes it. A vicious circle that I can’t pull myself out of. I start to question things that have nothing to do with anything and I end up at this point where he doesn’t really want this and I’m a horrible person for forcing him into it.

      Obviously something that I need to work through. But the advice and support from everyone has been amazing. And I have to say, I was surprised and very flattered that you responded. Not that it isn’t also nice to hear from ksst, but as I really respect you two and your relationship it was great to hear from you. Hope you enjoyed twisted tryst as much as she did. Thanks again for reading.

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