Chasing Me Chasing You

An uncollared submissive struggling through depression, motherhood, and the constant craving of her next orgasm.

Time to Process

Well, the roller coaster has left the station. When the ride ends in a few months I hope we don’t have too many bumps and bruises. Our offer on the house has been accepted and now onto the next of a million steps. And you never realize how many steps there are to buying a house. It’s endless. But positive, so I will continue to check them off without complaint.

But the processing of which this post is titled isn’t actually about me or our house buying at all. It’s about Sir. Sir wrote a piece on Fetlife looking for some opinions on some play that he was interested in. He didn’t really get the response he wanted. And he was upset at how defensive he found himself getting when he felt attacked for his views. I think that hit him harder than anything. And that led to a very serious discussion last night. About his kinks and mine. How we are working to make each other happy. How all either of us really want is to make the other happy. It was late before we turned out the lights.

But we have a long way to go. And I’m not sure where it will lead. But having both of us just trying to please the other isn’t working. Maybe the 24/7 needs to go. Maybe it’s just not sustainable with our vanilla responsibilities right now. Maybe we were just venturing outside the bedroom a little too soon. On the other hand, maybe it is exactly what we need to get over this hurdle and strengthen our D/s bond. I just want to be enough for him. And I feel him pulling away from me. He says I’m sexy, but that doesn’t mean that I can give him what he wants. And I want him to want me like I am.

I asked Sir if he wanted to take my collar off last night. He said no. I was comforted by how quickly he responded. I held it while I struggled to find sleep. Through everything, I am his.

4 Responses to “Time to Process”

  • Ellasha

    Hey lady, glad they accepted your offer on the house thats amazing! It is a lot of work but you guys will be so happy with it in the end! So happy for you guys.

  • Tamar

    Wow…I just went and read the post he put out there. I gotta say, I think the reply he got was perfect, actually- very helpful, great advice and exactly what I would have said as well, and I didn’t see any attacking or disdain or any reason at all for the hair-trigger angry defensive reaction he had. I can understand him being nervous and anxious about putting himself out there, but his reaction was really bizarre and over the top there and a huge red flag to any smart, experienced masochist who might otherwise want to play with him. If I read that as a potential play partner I’d run like hell in the other direction, thinking, “Holy cats! If this dude blows up like that over a nice, polite, helpful answer to a post in which he’s asking for advice, what the hell kinda trouble would I be in if he got pissed during a scene over nothing?” People look at that sort of reaction and see someone too volatile, too out of control to play with.

    Sure, he might get a newbie in the grips of a subfrenzy looking for that “dark, dangerous” fantasy type with no clue of what she really wants and there’s a good chance if they played, the scene would go south quick and someone could get hurt, pissed, outed, etc. or worse. Hate to sound like a downer, and feel free to delete this if you think it’d just upset him more, but fact is, it sounds like he needs more info on the scene if he wants to find quality play partners. Sure, he can Craig’s List someone, or pick up someone local online or something, but the reason the scene is so important is that it’s a screening process, a way to network with knowledgeable, experienced people and a way to find people who just want to play, no strings attached, but also to get info on those people before you play with them, to avoid huge red flags, drama, etc. That’s why it’s important to get to know someone before you play with them- do they know what they’re doing? Do they cause drama everywhere they go? Are they experienced, and know how to play hard but play safe? Do they know their limits and disclose them, as well as any underlying medical conditions that might be good to know before doing a hard S/m scene? Can they -really- play happily with no strings attached, or do they have a habit of trying to weasel into a relationship and break them up? Those are all things to consider- and things you could find out if you got out and active in your local scene. People talk, and you’d get an earful of who’s good to play with and who’s a drama bomb to avoid. Also, you, personally would be able to make friends with people and maybe get more comfortable with the thought of opening up your marriage to play with others.

    It’s not realistic to think that you/he could just pick up some random masochist out of the blue, play with them, and then discard them. The fact that his rules are so focused on only his wants, not offering anything other than a scene focused entirely on what he wants to do, not even offering aftercare, and not wanting any contact outside of that scene are all things that would make most folks stop and go, “Wow. Well, this dude doesn’t really want a person to play with, he wants a blowup doll he can take out and put away when he’s done with it.” I would think that even people with a dehumanization fetish might have to pause at that list of rules he put out there.

    I know it’s hard, having these urges and wanting to find an outlet for them. I do get that and sympathize with it, very much. I know sometimes, when life is busy and stressful, those urges look like a sort of urgently necessary escape, a release valve, and the pursuit of those urges can get more desperate, the more stressful your life gets. But I hope he can calm down, go back and re-read that first post on his Fetlife post with a clearer head. She was just trying to answer him honestly, and help out. I am, too. I hope he can see that. And more than anything, I hope that the two of you can figure out how to navigate these deep waters safely together, because I wish you both happiness and fulfillment. Best of luck figuring out what works best for the both of you.

  • Ellasha

    At first I didn’t want to comment on the other part of your post but I will say that I feel the same way that Tamar feels. I too read the post on Fetlife and I think she gave an honest response as a masochist. I felt like she was trying to help him out not belittle or offend him at all. And I feel the same way about the community, it will be hard for him to find someone who wants to be discarded as he is suggesting. Aftercare is a vital part of D/s and it appears that he may not even want to do that with this third person. I hope you guys can figure it out. I love reading your blog, it has helped me so much.

  • ancilla ksst

    I’m only half way through his post, but as a masochist who is involved in the kink community and plays with other people sometimes, his conditions would put me totally off. Sorry, but no way in hell. 🙂 Masochists are people too. And they are generally people who like to be treated like equals until there is an actual power exchange, which there would never be (which is actually fine in my situation or others like me. I’m not looking for a relationship, just a nice beating from someone I like). But that last bit is key. Random beatings, not so interesting to most women (maybe not male masochists either?). Beatings from someone I like, yes. We are still people who like to be greeted cordially in the street and maybe have a chat about the weather. Or whatever. I wouldn’t expect to be invited home to dinner, but also not to be totally ignored if we happened to meet. (Well except in the case of my gang bang, as I don’t even remember half of those guys).

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