Chasing Me Chasing You

An uncollared submissive struggling through depression, motherhood, and the constant craving of her next orgasm.

Satisfaction

Warning: This is a very un-slavey post.

I got satisfaction this morning. Not the good kind. My alarm went off and I laid in bed for a moment. Then the baby woke up. Sometimes he wakes up screaming, but today he was just talking. So I picked him up and brought him into bed with us. As soon as I laid him down Sir was surprised.

‘I thought you were just going to give him a bottle and come back to bed so I could do dirty things to you.’

I said I was sorry. That I didn’t know he wanted me to do that. He never said. I honestly thought he was still asleep. And that’s when I realized it. Sir was getting twitchy. It has been a week since we have played at all. He may have taken care of himself without me, but no serious play. I have to admit that I was a teeny bit happy. I struggle without play after just a day or two. I get moody and snippy with the kids. I sigh a lot and in general am probably not a happy person to be around. The last few years has seen my sex drive jump and a few days goes by and you would think I was PMS 24/7.

Is it wrong that I felt a little bit good? That I was a little happy that he was getting as frustrated as I was. Not that it was entirely he fault. We’ve had a busy week. The baby was sick and then the family reunion. We didn’t have a lot of energy coming home on Sunday and he didn’t feel great yesterday. It’s just life sometimes.

So I tested the waters. My frustration gets the better of me and I don’t always make the best choices. Last night I climbed into bed. His bed. I didn’t getting into position. I didn’t ask. I just climbed into bed and wrote in my journal. He got into bed and didn’t say anything. I sighed. It hurt. Part of me wanted to be shoved right out of bed and on the floor. Not a big part, the floor has gotten cold. And he did mention that I would being getting into my pose tonight. But no swift reaction. No show of force. The small glee I got at the thought of getting away with something was quickly replaced by the hurt of actually getting away with it.

This morning it felt good that he was as stressed as I was. I know, I know, take my slave card away now. Coffee just isn’t hitting the spot lately. The lack of control is starting to eat away. I guess I’m in trouble that it has only been a week. Sir should be able to set me on my way and not have to worry about me being bratty for attention after only a few days.

Sometimes satisfaction is a sucky feeling.

3 Responses to “Satisfaction”

  • DtBHC

    Hmm, a sense of Schadenfreude me thinks.

  • ancilla ksst

    I’ve been thinking over your last two entries to try to figure out what to say.

    1. I don’t think they realize how much it hurts us when they don’t ask for what they want (not bring baby into bed) but then complain that we didn’t do what they wanted after it is too late. I assume putting baby back is not an option at that point, babies being how they are. Especially when it was something that this- when we also were kinda desperate for that sort of attention. It hurts in a very bad “You failed and now life sucks for both of us” kind of way, even when they don’t mean it like that.

    2. Just because you are grumpy and not getting what you wanted is not a good reason to break the rules. How do I know? Because I have done the same thing and it didn’t work out well for me either. Not because he had some dramatic response (that is not generally his personality), but because I disappointed both of us.

    3. I’m not sure their pleasure can always be our pleasure. Anyway, it doesn’t always work that way for me. Maybe sometimes, if we are lucky, but I’m not sure that is a realistic goal. Sometimes it is more about suck it up and realize there will be time for your wants too, if maybe not right now, then later.

    4. I’m wishing you luck, because I’ve had some of those feelings and know how unpleasant the waiting around for resolution is!

    • Rye

      Thanks. All your points are great and I agree with all of them. I think I struggle the most with #3. I just don’t know how to fit my pleasure in without being pushy or bratty (apparently). I don’t want to disappoint him or make him ashamed of me.

      Trust me, #2 will never happen again. It’s really not worth how bad I feel about myself for any small about of satisfaction I may have felt. Not to mention how poorly Sir thinks of me.

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