Warning: This is a very un-slavey post.
I got satisfaction this morning. Not the good kind. My alarm went off and I laid in bed for a moment. Then the baby woke up. Sometimes he wakes up screaming, but today he was just talking. So I picked him up and brought him into bed with us. As soon as I laid him down Sir was surprised.
‘I thought you were just going to give him a bottle and come back to bed so I could do dirty things to you.’
I said I was sorry. That I didn’t know he wanted me to do that. He never said. I honestly thought he was still asleep. And that’s when I realized it. Sir was getting twitchy. It has been a week since we have played at all. He may have taken care of himself without me, but no serious play. I have to admit that I was a teeny bit happy. I struggle without play after just a day or two. I get moody and snippy with the kids. I sigh a lot and in general am probably not a happy person to be around. The last few years has seen my sex drive jump and a few days goes by and you would think I was PMS 24/7.
Is it wrong that I felt a little bit good? That I was a little happy that he was getting as frustrated as I was. Not that it was entirely he fault. We’ve had a busy week. The baby was sick and then the family reunion. We didn’t have a lot of energy coming home on Sunday and he didn’t feel great yesterday. It’s just life sometimes.
So I tested the waters. My frustration gets the better of me and I don’t always make the best choices. Last night I climbed into bed. His bed. I didn’t getting into position. I didn’t ask. I just climbed into bed and wrote in my journal. He got into bed and didn’t say anything. I sighed. It hurt. Part of me wanted to be shoved right out of bed and on the floor. Not a big part, the floor has gotten cold. And he did mention that I would being getting into my pose tonight. But no swift reaction. No show of force. The small glee I got at the thought of getting away with something was quickly replaced by the hurt of actually getting away with it.
This morning it felt good that he was as stressed as I was. I know, I know, take my slave card away now. Coffee just isn’t hitting the spot lately. The lack of control is starting to eat away. I guess I’m in trouble that it has only been a week. Sir should be able to set me on my way and not have to worry about me being bratty for attention after only a few days.
Sometimes satisfaction is a sucky feeling.