Chasing Me Chasing You

An uncollared submissive struggling through depression, motherhood, and the constant craving of her next orgasm.

Twitter Query

@thes1lverf0x: Serious ? for my submissive friends for blog piece: what is the essence of submission for you? What’s important about it? DMs welcome.

This question was posted by @thes1lverf0x a few weeks ago. I keep coming back to it and changing my answer. The word ‘essence’ keeps throwing me. How can I possibly clarify properly what draws me to submission? Here is my attempt:

Submission is the feeling of being complete. When I finish a task or an order I have this sense of purpose. Not in a boastful way, but have an internal smile that I have met Sir’s high expectations of me. Before I found D/s, I was often depressed because I couldn’t meet my own impossibly high expectations. Becoming a submissive and eventually a slave forced me to let go of that negative cycle and trust Sir to tell me when I am not preforming. That was a lot harder than I originally thought. Walking away from my mother’s instilled personal requirements was difficult, but honestly one the best things for my emotional well-being. Sometimes I struggle with putting so much of my mood on Sir, but he has taken the challenge in stride.

I think submission, both inside and outside the bedroom, has given me the opportunity to discover everything that I can be. Having the chance to explore my slutty nature in the safety of Sir’s structure and rules has helped me to feel more comfortable. And, feeling more comfortable with my sexual and control fantasies lets Sir push me into things that I wouldn’t have considered. When I was judging myself, I would never have felt comfortable allowing anal play or any of the erotic photographs he’s taken. But by removing those insecurities and just focusing on pleasing him, I want to succeed. If he wants me to lose weight or shave better, he’ll tell me. I don’t have to worry if I’m good enough, which was always a problem in previous relationships.

It’s been two years since I read Fifty Shades and I experienced that pull toward a kinky life. Regular romance novels never drew that sort of response from me before. Whatever you feel about that book, it showed me a world that has made me happier than I ever thought I could be. And that is the essence of submission for me. In it’s rawest form it’s me finally finding a way for me to be selfish. I know, I know, that sounds counter-intuitive, but stay with me. I live to care for the people I love. I would fly out to L.A. to help my cousin find an apartment and I would stay up to talk to a friend whose husband is being a prick. Those things do make me happy. But submission is something that I do for me. Allowing myself to be taken over and at someone else’s whim is so refreshing for me. I don’t have to worry about holding the world together. I can focus on what Sir needs from me and giving everything I have to that. It’s a focus that I have never had in my vanilla life.

That is why I submit. I’m not sure if that is good or not. To enter it with such selfish motivations. That may be something that changes over time. In fact, since moving into 24/7 service, I have seen that begin to shift. My motivation is to show him how much he means to me. How much I want to be his. So that he knows that his control is the reason that I am so happy. Submission to him makes me whole.

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