Today is bad. Worse than yesterday. Much, much worse.
Sir is mad, at me, at himself. I watched him struggle with his anger last night after we crawled into bed. I got into position last night. We had guests, so play was off the table, but that was pretty obvious considering the tension.
He says I bratted. I’m not sure I like his definition, but I guess I did. I selfishly wanted a reaction from him. Negative attention is still attention, right? I’m not trying to justify it, it’s bad either way. I didn’t want to upset him, or make him feel bad. I don’t know what I wanted him to feel, maybe that makes it worse.
But now I’m realizing that we are both upset about his lack of reaction rather than my bad behavior. And I don’t know what to do about it. If I can really do anything.
He says it’s about respect. It’s not that I don’t respect him. But that doesn’t mean that I don’t need more from him. And how much more am I allowed? Being a submissive for me does not mean obeying everything and expecting nothing in return. Just to give and give and be happy with a smile. Maybe it should be. That’s pretty much my relationship with my children, I guess.
Maybe I’m all wrong here. It’s definite possibility, it’s happened before. But first, how do I fix it? And second, how do get to a point where I can completely shut down my own desires and needs so that only his are important? How do I make his happiness my happiness?
I’m trying to do something nice for him today. We’ll see how it goes. Right now I’m so upset and confused I’m not sure what I will get done. He didn’t even give me a hug goodbye this morning.