I think I am afraid of writing or saying everything I want out loud because I am worried that I can’t have it. I’m worried that when I tell him how I want to be used and abused and pampered at the same time he’ll just shake his head at me. He won’t laugh, but I will see the crestfallen look on his face as he realizes how unrealistic I am. That will hurt more than an outright ‘no’. That look of him wanting to give me what I want, but knowing that it’s not going to happen.
We have started a new method of communication. When I am interested in playing I braid my hair. It’s a little hokey, but it’s a very visual cue for him when he gets home from work. If I’m tired or the boys are driving me crazy I just don’t put it up. He can still tell me to braid it, he still has the final say. It’s just nice to be able let him know that I really do want to play without him having to try and read sexual signals while I’m dealing with the kids. When he gets home I’m usually struggling to get dinner together and dealing with at least one screaming child, so it’s hard to tell if I’m feeling slavish or not.
But this isn’t going to be enough. I’m going to have to work out exactly what it is. That thing that makes me smile. That perfect contentment that I feel when grabs me. It’s a feeling of being enough. I would love to have that all the time, just not sure how to get it.
I think I want the whole package. Back to my Disney childhood, I guess. I want to be swept off my feet and called a slut. I want to be pampered and spanked. I want gifts and treats that I can enjoy while I lay on my pallet on the floor. I want to be his beloved Rye, that he adores and occasionally beats for his pleasure.
I know, I know. I’m even shaking my head at myself.