Chasing Me Chasing You

An uncollared submissive struggling through depression, motherhood, and the constant craving of her next orgasm.

Scared

I am scared. I am scared because  I don’t know what I can do anymore. And I’m worried that now that I’ve crossed that line from thinking to knowing, I can’t go back. And now I’m just continuing on for the wrong reasons. That I’m not happy. While I was able to keep fooling myself it was ok, but now that I know the truth, it’s not ok anymore.

But what do I do?

You know those thoughts. Those thoughts that you hate to think and as soon as they pop into your head you tell yourself you’re overreacting, or just plain wrong. What if you said them out loud? What if you said them to the one person who could confirm or deny them for you? What if they didn’t deny them? Those horrible thoughts that would creep into your head in your worst moments because they were the extreme; no longer extreme but real.

He didn’t say no. He didn’t scoff or laugh and say that I’m being silly. He said he wished it wasn’t true. But it was, it is.

I feel like I’m hollow today. I’m walking around without energy, lost. I can’t un-hear his response. I can’t make it go away.

I just want it to go away.

8 Responses to “Scared”

  • ancilla ksst

    Big hugs. Do you know what it is that you are unhappy about, or is this just an in general feeling that something is not right?

    • Rye

      Thanks for the hug. Last night was just really rough. And after our scene (I’ll post pictures eventually), I was hitting an emotional wall pretty hard. So we were talking and I said that I wanted him to beat me so that I could cry, because he’ll only have sex with me when I cry (penis in vagina sex, we had just had anal). And he didn’t refute the statement. And it hurt. The realization that he needed the tears to be attracted to me and aroused enough to have sex with me.

      And I’m not sure I can do that. Accept that I mean. I may be blowing it up. Just been an emotional PMSy kind of week.

  • ancilla ksst

    I think only talking with him more will make this better (and also getting through PMS), but also, just because he needed your tears to become aroused doesn’t mean you are not attractive to him. It could be a fetish for him. It may mean nothing about you AT ALL, or his feelings for you, because you could be attractive as all hell to him all day long, but it is the tears or hurting that satisfies his sadistic urges enough be aroused. There are people who have an absolute NEED of their fetish no matter how loved and attractive their partner is, they still need that fetish or it just doesn’t work. I hope I’m not totally off track here, because I’m not sure from what you wrote if this is all the time or just last night?

    • Rye

      I don’t know either. I understand the idea that now that he has tapped into this fetish, that it has really become a NEED every time. And I feel the same way about something things. I guess maybe I just wasn’t ready for that yet. And I think, like I responded to ‘same boat’; I think I’m just worried that if that is what is required every time, I just won’t want to do any more. Or at least not as often. And considering how horny I am most of the time, that’s a real downer.

  • same boat

    Hugs Rye, I think I have the right end of the stick but please ignore me totally if not, I can only say, this is similar for me, however my Master will NEVER fuck my cunt, never has or will. He will only have anal sex with, however with others he will have either. Not only, will he not fuck it, he won`t touch it. My mind said, it wasn`t attractive enough, tight enough, I even thought at one point perhaps he is homosexual! Got to love how the mind works eh? He is a sadist, through and through, no doubt, never was. He is turned on my making me suffer, endure, scream, cry, beg and plead for it to stop, not pretty nice and fluffy scenes, I see so many have. The more I plead/beg/hurt, the harder he gets, the more eager to fuck.

    What I have come to learn, is I am attractive to him, as a slave, subservient to him, as a person, as a whole, but the sexual element, he is simply turned on by and only his sadism, he gets hard when he makes me suffer. I see it now as no different to me getting wet by certain aspects too.

    As for the anal sex only, it is purely his choice, he told me in the beginning he would only fuck me there and has kept to his word.

    I would not take this as a negative hun, he is turn on YOUR tears, (Dacryphilia) as simple as that, love and hugs Xx

    • Rye

      Thank you. That is a great way to think about it. I just don’t know if I can do that. I love sex (vaginal), and I don’t want to only have it when I’m crying from pain. Because then I’m not sure I will like it any more. As much as I am growing into my masochist side, I’m not sure I will ever be there.

      I do appreciate the positive view though. I will try to take that tact as I muddle this around in my head.

  • Rose

    Hugs. Lots of them.

    r. x

    • Rye

      Thanks. Hugs and coffee are helping. Maybe a good night’s sleep.

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