I am scared. I am scared because I don’t know what I can do anymore. And I’m worried that now that I’ve crossed that line from thinking to knowing, I can’t go back. And now I’m just continuing on for the wrong reasons. That I’m not happy. While I was able to keep fooling myself it was ok, but now that I know the truth, it’s not ok anymore.
But what do I do?
You know those thoughts. Those thoughts that you hate to think and as soon as they pop into your head you tell yourself you’re overreacting, or just plain wrong. What if you said them out loud? What if you said them to the one person who could confirm or deny them for you? What if they didn’t deny them? Those horrible thoughts that would creep into your head in your worst moments because they were the extreme; no longer extreme but real.
He didn’t say no. He didn’t scoff or laugh and say that I’m being silly. He said he wished it wasn’t true. But it was, it is.
I feel like I’m hollow today. I’m walking around without energy, lost. I can’t un-hear his response. I can’t make it go away.
I just want it to go away.