I am selfish. I want to be selfish. I want to be tied to the bed and be Sir’s entire focus. Can you be a selfish slave/submissive? A submissive can negotiate a scene that is all about them, but how does a slave?
I just find it hard to balance my mindset of making his life better and occasionally needing sexual itches scratched sometimes. And then feeling guilty when he does give it to me. I feel like if I have to ask for it, then he doesn’t really want to do it. I mean, we are at a place in our M/s that if he wants to do something, he does it. So by sharing that desire, am I pressuring him to play how I want? So is that really making his life easier?
I think I over think things. I mean, I know I do. But here’s the issue. Sir and I don’t have the same kinks. We love each other, so compromises are worth it. But figuring out that give and take is the hard part. I am not keen on him having sex with other women, but during scenes would that be a compromise? Am I weird for being more comfortable at the thought of him having sex with another man? Somehow I am less afraid of a male sub as he would be less likely to replace me.
Part of it is just where to start. Does it have to be even? Are double standards ok? How do we come together from such different angles. I am a submissive nymphomanic. I like bondage and rough sex. I also enjoy varying levels of control and humiliation. Sir is a sadist, pure and simple. He likes to control his subs through physical and emotional pain. He enjoys sexual dominance and domestic servitude. But how do I take the hard hits like he wants?
And now the new ‘problem’ that I realized yesterday. When I disappoint him I hurt so much. Last week I sent him a text about the Kink of the Week being about nipple play. Apparently his phone was within view of his coworkers. He texted back in all caps. It was bad. No one saw, but I didn’t know that until he got home. It was the longest day I’ve had in a while. Knowing that he was disappointed in me was crushing. And, is that really a good thing? I know for a slave mentality it’s great. I should always want to please him. But, on the rare occasion that I slip up, should it really stop my day like that? I completed my daily tasks, but all I wanted to do was cry. Feeling like a failure for the entire day.
Honestly, I don’t want to live like that. Having a mistake or accident completely ruin my mood. Sir was in meetings all day and couldn’t message or call me to let me know that he wasn’t really that mad. That his yelling response was a knee-jerk reaction and it wasn’t that big of a deal. But I didn’t know that until he got home from his trip late in the evening. I was certain that he was pissed at me all day. Now, obviously, I do everything I can to please him, but when I don’t I can’t let it crush my mental state. His control runs deeper than either of us knew. And I’m worried that that’s not a good thing. I mean, it’s a good thing, if I can process it better.
That is what it comes back to, I need to learn to process slave emotions. And I obviously need to learn to ramble less.