So change is good. But when Sir said that we had to dial everything back I freaked. Yesterday was really hard. I thought my collar was coming off and I was losing everything kinky in my life. I was scared. It was a long day.
Last night we had a good talk. And sex. It’s been a long time since sex. But I was worried I wasn’t going to be able to relax. But it was hot. I missed having that connection with him. However, I wasn’t prepared for what it would mean.
I had my first orgasm without permission in two years. I cried. It was horrible. I haven’t felt that worthless and alone in a long time. I was shaking and I couldn’t stop crying. I think I scared the crap out of Sir.
But we’re better. I don’t know what to call him still. And it’s weird not to ask for drinks or to buy things. Hopefully we’ll keep growing with things though. My collar is still on, so that’s something.
I just want to get over this fear that I’m going to lose everything. BDSM has given me so much. It’s not the answer for everything, but it does make me feel good about myself in a way that I haven’t felt before. And I love sharing it with him. I’m just scared of losing all that and losing him. Losing us.