Have you ever woken up in the morning craving an adventure? It doesn’t happen to me often, but it does come up occasionally. When the husband and I were seniors in college we looked at spending several months in New Zealand working on a farm. A lot like why I attempted at a gap year before college as it turned out. We had made several contacts and looked at plane tickets. But in the end neither of us would have had health insurance. That combined with no income made the decision for us. Instead we entered the work force. American dream and all that crap.
But I got the urge the other day. Just to take an adventure. The visit to the UK was nice last year, but with the kids it was pretty planned out. Maybe I need to take a trip by myself. But I feel like that would give the husband and the kids the wrong impression. I don’t want him to think it’s any sort of trial to see if I can manage on my own. Maybe it would be a sort of affirmation that I can be a bit independent. I’ve gotten so accustomed to leaning on him for support that I haven’t had to stand on my own for awhile. Especially since I’ve been craving his control. Like I wanted to be co-dependent. And that’s fine for some people, under different circumstances I may have been fine for me. But I need to learn to get on with it again. Staying with him is my first priority, but I have to be strong enough to take care of myself.
It’s just a weird mind fuck that I keep doing to myself. One of the biggest steps in accepting that we will never be 24/7 is to let go of my need for control. And maybe showing myself that I don’t need it to be happy will get me through.
So maybe I need to go get lost somewhere. Go explore some town for the first time. Maybe I will see if I can sort out the trip to Eroticon this year. I think that place would be great to find myself and have a short adventure. It may not financially be in the cards with the renovation and the move this year though. Who knows, maybe I’ll get a ‘real job’ and the feeling of contributing to the family will be enough. At this point, it’s anyone’s guess.