Chasing Me Chasing You

An uncollared submissive struggling through depression, motherhood, and the constant craving of her next orgasm.

Moving Forward

He lied. He lied to himself as well, but that doesn’t really change things; it just makes it harder to be truly angry with him.

He doesn’t want BDSM. Or D/s. He’s up for kinky sex, but that’s it. No power exchange, no domination. He tried to do it for me, because he wanted me to be happy. How can I be mad at him? I mean, I’m upset at him for lying. It hurt a lot that the last several years weren’t happy for him. It made my submission feel fake. He was trying to feel what I felt. Trying to get that complete feeling that I get when I submit. But he couldn’t force it, and just drove him to want to walk away from sex completely so he didn’t have to deal with it.

And now I don’t know where to go. Yesterday I was ready to close down the blog, disable my twitter account, everything. It seemed more harmful to try and continue feeling this part of myself that I couldn’t experience. And that hurt. It was scary. I love reading the sexy blogs and experiences of others; the writing and feelings that this community brings to the table is inspiring. I don’t want to lose that. So it was a tough time. But how could I continue to write on here about being collared when I’m not? How could I hope to write a sex blog when I felt so incomplete. So lost.

The idea of never being a slave is odd. An interesting split of dissappointment and relief. Not an even split, but are you really surprised. I struggled a lot yesterday with what losing my submission would mean to me. I mean, I’m still a submissive, nothing can change that. But will I feel like a piece of me is missing, or gone? Will I feel empty?

But he came home from work last night and we talked. (I don’t know what to call him since he’s not Sir anymore.) We talked about stopping everything outside the bedroom. Any kink in the bedroom would be limited to sex only. Control is something he can’t even fake right now. And I don’t want to submit into something like that. 

I have decided to keep writing for me. I am hoping that you keep reading for both of us. Hopefully still writing about great sex. But also my work to balance my largely vanilla life with my need to submit. I actually feel good about it. The husband feels bad enough about not really being able to Dominate me, he doesn’t want me to give this up. And honestly, I don’t want to either.

We did reach a good place last night. It’s not perfect, but marriage isn’t about getting everything that you want. And I want him as he is, so we’ll make it work.

The sex toys are staying put. He enjoys the kinky sex and wants to try and continue working D/s in our sex life. So, pictures, spankings, and some bondage may remain. It’s the control outside our bed that he has no interest in. He admitted that he needs me to handle the house without his oversight as he sets up his business. He doesn’t want rules or protocols or punishments. He doesn’t get anything out of tracking my every move. And that’s hard. I really feed on the control aspect of D/s. But maybe after things get settled with the move and the business that could change. I just need to prepare myself for the maybe not.

Last night, after a lot of talking, we had make-up sex. And not just any ‘regular old fight’ make-up sex. I was trying to show him that I still loved him, even if he wasn’t my Master or my Dom. And he was trying to show me that our lives were going to be anything like vanilla. I got to have a little make-up sex with myself to let go of the day. He watched and enjoyed. Then we took the time to enjoy each other. Usually our D/s scenes were rushed and predictable. Something that should have been a tip off to me that he wasn’t really that into it. No offense to him, he’s a blow job type of guy (and who can blame him, I do good work). But this was more fluid. There was a lot of fun kink, multiple orgasms, it was good.

So today looks better. It’s going to be different. I still hurt. I wish he had been honest with me from the beginning, but I can hardly fault him when he wasn’t being honest with himself. I wish it didn’t have to happen this way, but here we are. Those three years helped me learn about myself. And now, even if it can’t be 24/7, I know that I don’t want to live without submission in my life. I just have to make it fit into my life. I’m nothing if not a lover of a challenge.

 

11 Responses to “Moving Forward”

  • Ellasha

    Hey Rye! I am very happy that you two have figured out what the problem was. I just hate that you have to lose being a submissive to your Sir. I’m glad that he was finally honest with you about what he wants. I know it does hurt. I do hope you keep writing because I love reading your blog. Its the first thing I check when I get on my computer. You are a great writer. Wither its about kinky sex or regular vanilla stuff I still like reading it and I’m sure a lot of others do to!

    • Rye

      Thank you so much! That is the nicest thing anyone has ever said about my writing. I am so glad that you enjoy it. And I hope it keeps entertaining you. I will find a way to keep my submission. It just may take time.

  • John

    Missed talking to you on Twitter…sorry it didn’t work out but you seem to be in a better place. Keep writing…

    • Rye

      Thanks. A new place, but I hope it’s better.

  • ancilla ksst

    I really enjoy your blog too, so I hope you don’t stop.

    And I really hope (and I think they can!) this new chapter and challenges can be made to suit both of you.

  • Tamar

    I stopped blogging for awhile when my circumstances changed, when my fantasy D/s bubble burst and reality poured in. I ended the blog I’d started to depict my TPE relationship with Q, “Unhinge my Soul”, and started a brand new one, my current, “Invisible Stairs”- as a blog for me to write about myself, my life, and whatever I wanted- not just sex or D/s or even just relationships. I’ve never cared about or worried about being a “D/s blogger” or a “sex blogger”, and I don’t really want to be. I want to be free to write about whatever I want and not care about it being too “dull” or “mundane” for my readers, because I don’t write for readers, I write for me, and if anyone reads it and likes it, fine, but if not, that’s fine too.

    You- are so much more than just your collar. There’s so much more to you than just submission and sex. You’re bright, you’re interesting, you’re a good writer and I enjoy reading your blog and will continue to enjoy reading your blog regardless of your D/s status. I’m glad you decided to continue to write.

    I would say…that even if it sucks that your husband wasn’t able to be honest with you from the start- at least he’s being honest now, and you two are working towards a better, healthier relationship configuration that will make you both happy. Sometimes compromise is in order, and you may not have to throw the baby out with the bathwater. Q and I have relegated D/s to sex only and we’re happier now that we’ve ever been, though at one point I felt like you do, like it wouldn’t ever be “good enough” for me. But it is. Give it a chance, give him a chance- you both might enjoy it more if he’s happier and more comfortable with his role in the relationship and you still might be able to get your subbie itch scratched when he’s up for it.

    You’re both learning what works and what doesn’t. It’s an ongoing process and it helps to be flexible and willing to try new things for each other. It sounds like things are moving in a good direction though, with you both opening up and talking honestly with each other, and still loving each other. I have high hopes that things will work out well for you.

    • Rye

      Thank you for all the lovely words. I agree, I think we will find a way to make it work for both of us. Right now the fear is strong that I will lose my submissive nature. I am sure that fear will fade with time. I think that the submission is just so new that I am afraid of losing it.

      But I am sure it will work out alright. And I’m glad you’ll be here to read about it. 😉

  • John

    Hi Rye… Been there, done that, felt the rejection. 🙂

    After about 10 years of my wife playing along with my many submissive kinks and fetishes, she suddenly declared it “too weird” and any and all BDSM in our relationship ended. You may have completely different results, and I hope you do. But we came within an inch of divorcing until we decided on a non-monogamous (“open”) marriage.

    Now our day-to-day relationship is as good as ever, but we get our very different sexual needs met elsewhere with the full knowledge and consent of each partner.

    I know that doesn’t work for every couple, but it’s working well for us and apparently a lot of other people I’ve met through Fetlife.

    • Rye

      No judgment whatsoever. Finding kink and BDSM has taught me that different things work for different people. I’m glad you have found a way to make your marriage work and get what you both need.

      I’ll be honest, I don’t know how we would do with an open marriage. But it is on the list of options. We’re playing it by ear and we’ll see what happens. With so much going on in our vanilla life right now, we don’t want to do anything drastic until we get settled. Then we can revaluate and see what we need to move forward.

      Thank you for your support.

  • Unremarkable Jamie

    Here’s another reason to keep blogging: every once in a while someone like me will happen upon your blog and go, “that’s me! she just had an experience very much like mine!” and they’ll feel much less alone and hopeless. So thanks for that. I don’t have any solution for you or for myself, but I admire the way you’ve chosen to carry on with two things that are important to you, relationship and submission, even of it’s not at all clear how or if they fit together. thanks.

    • Rye

      Thank you for reading. I really appreciate it.

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