Last night I became the person I didn’t want to be. The person that hurt him. I didn’t want to. I was so angry. I’ve been trying to force all of this pain down and inward and it just kept eating at me.
I basically told him that he wasn’t enough. I’m not sure I meant to, but I did. I told him that I had hoped that by become my dominant he would change. That he would be more attentive, more caring. That he would become more romantic like I wanted. That I had hoped he would change. That I was so hopeful that D/s would make him who I needed.
How could say that? Even if it were true. I think I just wanted to hurt him. He hurt me so much. He lied and I just wanted him to feel the pain I felt. Like a broken-hearted girlfriend saying hurtful things and then hanging up the phone. Like a child.
Today is about saying I’m sorry. No matter how hurt I am, that doesn’t mean I can just lash out. I want him to feel my pain, but that doesn’t mean he’s going to. I need to be the wife I vowed to be. And who knows, maybe that will help my hurt.