I was a good pet last night. It took awhile to get to there though.
It was a rough afternoon. And people’s generosity and kindness was amazing. I was contacted by a dom who wondered if I had considered being a remote sub. He thought that it may be a way for me to find some peace if my husband can’t or won’t be the dom I need. I had never considered being a remote sub, but the idea instantly appealed to me. I wouldn’t have to have a sexual relationship with other man, but I could give and receive an emotional connection.
And I immediately broke down. I felt like a terrible person. What kind of person does that make me? Wanting to have an emotional connection with another man. Am I a cheater? How can I possibly be a good mother? It was a dark afternoon. When my husband came home I told him about the conversation. I let him read it and I just cried. I felt bad because I wanted it. I wanted it and I hated myself for it.
After the kids went to bed he had me curl up in his lap and he just petted me. I was a good girl. I made him happy. We talked and got to a good place. I finally felt good enough to be used. He admitted that the thought of me having a relationship with another man, even if it didn’t include sexual contact, made him very territorial. He wants to be everything that I need. And just knowing that made me more comfortable. He trusts me, but that doesn’t mean that he wants to lose me. And that felt good. He cared enough to be upset. And I don’t know why, maybe I didn’t think he cared. Which is silly, of course he cares. And he just let me be last night. He pet me and told me how good I was and that I made him happy. That felt so good.
It’s a way forward. It’s not a short road, but it’s a happy journey that I’m willing to make with him. And it won’t be easy, but I have to stop beating myself about small things. And the gentleman’s kind thought and words yesterday don’t make me (and certainly not him) a bad person. I’m a good person. I’m a good girl.