I have been working a lot on mindfulness lately. Trying to focus on being in the moment more. One of the problems I have been dealing with is falling asleep at night. My mind just doesn’t shut off. It’s an endless list of things that need to be done battling things I actually want to do. And this extends beyond just bedtime.
I think I struggled with focus when we were doing D/s before. I would fight completely submitting as I just couldn’t just be in the moment. I think we both could feel it too, which I hated doing to him as I think he took it personally. And strangely, that is what first attracted me BDSM. Giving up control and only being allowed to focus on him and what he wanted in that moment. I think I expected him to magically be able to shut off my brain, like it wasn’t my responsibility or something. One of the many ways that I set us up for failure by expecting him to make my body do something that even I didn’t know how to do.
So in both my vanilla and kinky life I have been working on being present. I still have lists going all the time. But I am trying to work on keep them on paper and not in my head. Enjoying the present experience is important for recognizing all the positives in my life. My depression is fueled by being generally overwhelmed by stress and whatever small negative thing tips the scale that day. If I can stick with focusing on my tasks at hand and the positive snippets I can find, I do much better. And focusing on what I accomplish for Sir rather than whatever one last hit I wasn’t able to take helps me to be a better submissive.
Yesterday, before we got the kids, we had an amazing scene. I had wanted to get a few pictures for Sinful Sunday for the next few weeks and Sir was more than willing to help. And for the first time in a long time I was able to just let it happen. You would think that would be easy when you have your nipples clamped, your arms secured behind your back, and your clit being driven crazy by the Doxy. But now that I have finally been able to focus on my submission, I realize how a drift I had been. It wasn’t a long scene, less than an hour, I think, but we have learned to appreciate those short, strong connections.
I think I did pretty well though. I only lost the moment once and I think I had a pretty good reason. One of the clips holding my angle cuffs to the rope around the bedpost slipped and pinched the fuck out of my foot. I think I was writhing in pain or orgasmic pleasure, but all that was overshadowed in an instant. And, with the gag in my mouth and my arms secured, all I could do was change the tone of my screams and show him the true fear and pain in my eyes. He was very perceptive though, he knew instantly that something was wrong. Once he got the pinch sorted he was even nice enough to put socks on my feet so it wouldn’t catch again. Sometimes the marks left by play aren’t fond memories.